ESSAY QUESTION:
In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/former institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.
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Life tends to shift and rove individuals to certain destinations to that one may not necessarily agree with. I, myself have been a part of the individuals to have been drifted to an unwanted destination. Although I was in low spirits about having to attend Joliet Junior College, I took what was dealt to me. Along with settling with what I was dealt, I became very passive when choosing my major. In the end my docile frame of mind lead to my parents choosing my major. In the span of taking classes and working at Claire's, I developed a sense of passion, and this passion had to do with assisting, and helping people find what they wanted. I would go above and beyond when helping anyone who came in contact with me. The highly anticipated moments of working at Claire's were being able to work the children that came in to get their ears pierced. Being able to interact with the kids and getting to know them, and be able to calm them down and make them laugh was what kept my job enjoyable. Working at Claire's made, realize that having a career interacting with children is what I want to do. The University of Illinois will allow me to work with students just like myself: intelligent, bright, goal driven, and diverse. The University of Illinois also has an exceptional applied health program which will well prepare me to advance into the pediatric career that I have been longing for.
There is something about the first two sentences that just do not sit right for me. It might just be an opinion though.
I did notice a few little things though
The highly anticipated moments of working at Claire's were being able to work with the children that came in to get their ears pierced.
and being able to calm them down and make them laugh was what kept my job enjoyable.
Working at Claire's made me realize that a career interacting with children is what I would like
myself; intelligent, bright, goal driven, and diverse.
You might want to give some thought into revising a couple parts of the essay
(I.E. -- I would go above and beyond when helping anyone who came in contact with me. The highly anticipated moments of working at Claire's were being able to work the children that came in to get their ears pierced.)
You should talk about more your career goals
Thank You. I will work on this.
That's not a bad essay..Although I would steer away from "Although I was in low spirits about having to attend Joliet Junior College" because it makes you seem stuck up to the point where a junior college isn't "good enough" for your education. Too often I see people that are "ashamed" of going to a community college for their first two years and note that within their essay's for transferring. Just saying.
But good overall. Is this for UIUC or UIC?
Good essay, overall. I found this grammar mistake:
...and being able to composed...
You really point out your interest and idea, but you are saying like "I hate where I am", try to be more gentle. :p Hope this helps!
Help me back on my essay please :)
agrreed its good, but try to be less agressive :)
Thank You guys. I will be less aggressive about the whole community college thing. I will definetly proofread anyone's essay that asks. =]
Can you please proofread one of the essays I have submitted?
