Drugs Are Cool (University of Pittsburgh Undergraduate Application)

There wasn't really any prompt for this essay, Pitt just asked for a "personal statement" or an essay on a topic of your choice. Does this look okay? Feedback would be great!

I've always thought drugs were cool. No, not like that! What I mean to say is, I've always found medicine fascinating. I remember peeking above the counter at Giant Eagle pharmacies as a little girl and being amazed by the shelves and shelves of medicine they held. How did the pharmacists not get confused? Once, I asked my dad how they never made mistakes, because after all, shelf B, row 2, had what seemed like a million bottles. How did they always know which one to pick, how did they always know which exact medicine my dad needed to feel better? He told me something that has had me hooked on pharmacy since age 7. He explained how the pharmacists went to a special school where they learned all about medicine and which ones do what. He said that even though he didn't have the slightest clue what the difference was between zolmitriptan and rizatriptan was, the pharmacists knew which one was right for my mom's migraines. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and really, I still haven't stopped. As I grew older and became wiser about the world of medicine, my fascination only grew. I wanted to understand why 2 little white pills that look practically the same to the naked eye can do such drastically different things. The first, Tylenol, can get rid of a headache, fend off menstrual cramps, and subdue fever, while the second, ecstasy, or MDMA, can give a person mild hallucinations, lasting depression, and many other dangerous side effects. Chemistry opened a whole world of answers for me. Every drug has a chemical makeup, and I can't help but find it intriguing that if a chemical has just one extra oxygen molecule added to it, it becomes an entirely different chemical, doing an entirely different thing.

I am currently employed at Schiller's pharmacy in Pittsburgh and it has been entirely enlightening for me. Though I'm only a sales clerk, just being behind the scenes in a pharmacy (my childhood dream!) has made me more than excited to pursue it as my career. The University of Pittsburgh is my first choice in education and I have every intention to enroll in the undergraduate program if accepted. Growing up here in Pittsburgh, I've admired the school and have been on campus more times than I can count. My brother attends Pitt, my mother taught at Pitt, and many of my siblings have aspired to go to Pitt. I have found my calling and I know that the University of Pittsburgh and the Pitt School of Pharmacy are the schools that will best prepare me for my long awaited career in pharmacy.

Very clever introduction! Your content is good too. I'm wondering whether you write any other essays as part of this application or this is the only one? If this is the only one, you will want to find a way to say more about yourself, perhaps just after you mention clerking at the pharmacy.

This is the only essay I have to write for Pitt. What other type of information about myself do you think would work well with this essay?

I think if you include what type of student you are, that might fend well. However, I agree with EF_Simone with the fact that the introduction is very clever. I might talk a little bit more about Pitt's medicine program, what you know about it, why you want to go to their program versus another schools.

Strong essay overall. One thing:


I don't know that the parallel structure works here. A drug can give you hallucinations, but we would normally say it can cause depression and other side effects.

instead of no not like that be like.. NATT lol.. but actually dont make the changw so drastic. i think the exclam. point is much.. i dont like the word fascinating.. other then that, if you show them good chem grades to backup ur essay, it should be decent i think

Work on the first one. It was much better (plus, I hate the word "cliche"...mostly because it is cliche, but also because I have never learned how to put that syllable emphasis thingy on the word...).

The first one you submitted is nearly perfect!
How do you put that thingy there?

:D
blue skies, jeannie

I wanted to understand more about them .

Your first version was more detailed, hence better. The first also had some personal reasons why you wanted to go to the university of Pittsburgh. The second is less detailed, and could have been written for any university. You'd just have to replace the name of the place you were applying to throughout. So, you should research Penn and come up with more specific, original reasons why you wish to go there.