Duke, Pratt College of Engineering Essay: "Why do you want to study at Duke"

Hello, thank you for reading this post. I'm currently applying to the Pratt School of Engineering and would appreciate any feedback

Prompt: If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering as a first year applicant, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke. (Please limit your response to no more than 150 words.)

Viewing the assortment of blinking lights and circuits, I stepped back to admire the assortment of various parts functioning as a cohesive unit. Although proud of my first computer, as part of my philosophy of continuous self-improvement, I meticulously tinkered with the parts I had , imagining that I may, one day, become the innovator for the technology of tomorrow.

Whether it be through participating in REUs or collaborating with world-class innovators and researchers, Duke can provide the tools necessary for me to pursue my passions. Working with brilliant minds, such as Benjamin C. Lee, discovering ways to improve upon inefficiencies in current processor and memory designs, will not only prepare me for a career designing micro-architectures for tech giants like Intel but also provide me an opportunity to refine society's current technologies. With such an emphasis on undergraduate research, Duke ...

Word count 141/150

Here are some previous critiques of my work:
- The anecdote in the beginning does not encapsulate why I want to study engineering fully. Would appreciate on any thoughts on this so that I can improve upon it.

- The ending has a promising start "With such an emphasis..." however I'm unsure as to how I would end this.

I appreciate any help with this.
Thank you once again!

@thugzook

I think you have shown a mastery of some vocabulary in your current draft. However, a good personal statement must be drafted in simple English words. It must be coherent and straight to the point.

The 150 word limit meant that you must employ your elementary Mathematics while drafting your essay, else you'll end up wasting important word count rigmarolling.

Now, you need to make a list of what you would like to include in your essay. After that, select the ones that would help you to answer the prompt questions within the shortest word count. Your first paragraph must answer the first prompt; the second paragraph answers the second prompt and the last paragraph should conclude your essay. If you follow this guide, I believe you will come up with a compelling essay within the short word count indicated above.

Your concluding paragraph should summerise the points made in your 1st and 2nd paragraph using appropriate transition word.

I hope this helps.

Good luck.

Noah, reverse the paragraphs in your essay. The second paragraph immediately offers information as to why you are opting to enroll at Duke over other universities. You just need to further build upon the information already there. Discuss the classes that caught your eye and why you are interested in taking those classes with some other notable name professors. When you say "With such an emphasis..." consider adding information about your future career plans and how Duke will support that ambition of yours. The anecdote, in my opinion, is not really necessary in this statement because it is highly word count sensitive. The word count the anecdote is currently using can be better used in representing the other reasons why you chose Duke.

Bring a balance of academic, and socio-civic interests that you can pursue at Duke in relation to your chosen major. While the anecdote makes the statement light, it doesn't really offer an in-depth reason as to why you are choosing Duke over the other universities. That's why I believe it is not necessary to include this in your essay.