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Duke Supplemental (the stimulants of mind)


srandhawa 10 / 157  
Oct 31, 2009   #1
Any feedback or critcism of this supplemental essay for Duke is greatly appreciated. Thanks alot in advance.
Prompt: Why do you consider Duke University a good fit for you?

As I sat in the Duke Focus Program Class, the stimulants of mind usually ignored were ignited. This ultimately opened up dynamics of a world through a different lens that allowed for far greater fodder for thought.

As I sat in Dr. Jiyong Yong's organic chemistry class, I was introduced to unique perspectives of problems that extended my thought process to something far greater than I had ever been accustomed to.

As I took my tour around the campus, I saw a school with rare outlets of opportunities for many of my passions from enjoying sports and in particular basketball, to debate, to scientific research. These are areas which Duke is truly unmatched by the rest of the country. But more important is the message conveyed through these possibilities. Duke is a school that allows for me the individual to be created. It is an institution that prospers economic thought which is something I have a life long goal of pursuing to its greatest existence. But at the same time, I saw a culture united under the same divine intervention of a University. This was a culture with tremendous faith in this divinity and faith in a certain divinity is an important principle to me which I adhere to. Ultimately, the combination of everything I was exposed to is something that truly will allow me to reach depths far greater that I can only imagine and the path to comprehending these oppurtunities will be most fruitful through Duke University.
pprajoth 6 / 15  
Oct 31, 2009   #2
excellent essay. well developed and answers the question well. Good job! =]
mmmargarita 10 / 79  
Oct 31, 2009   #3
Hmm, the whole thing is a bit vague. I like how you mentioned the unique perspectives in the first two sentences, maybe you could base your essay on that instead of jumping around. The first sentence seems to have been regurgitated by the thesaurus, I'm sure you can get your point across in a much more succint manner.

This sentence structure is awkward: "It is an institution that prospers economic thought which is something I have a life long goal of pursuing to its greatest existence." Prosper can't be used in this sense - you don't "prosper" something in the sense that you "cultivate" it.

Also, you threw me off with "divine intervention of a University" and the continuing discussion of divinity. Are you comparing the university to a higher power, ie God? I don't see how a school can be a divine intervention, or how a school can have faith in its divinity o.O
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Oct 31, 2009   #4
My 1st post! gotta work on my own essays, but since im here...

As I sat in the Duke Focus Program Class, the stimulants of mind usually ignored were ignited. <passive voice=poor start for an essay> This<what does this mean. clarify> ultimately opened up dynamics of a world through a different lens that allowed for far greater fodder for thought.<way too much imaginery=takes away from what you really mean. (Maybe: This experience gave me a lens through which I am able to think critically.) I'm not sure I got what you meant>

"prospers" is used wrong. other sentences can be a bit less complex. make it natural?


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