I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay

okay i know my essay it is a mess a needs alot of cutting parts out and rearranging the information, but i've come to a colapse where i dont know how to make it right. i want to make them feel my essense and creativity, but without leaving the important facts that they ask for, but i'm afraid i'm finding this mission to difficult to complete. please help

oh and it has to be 750 words, so i would like to know what parts to take out.

topic: What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you're applying for? This is your chance to tell us about your accomplishments, experiences, and activities.

I have always been eager to go out and meet the world. I was born 3 months premature. I was at high risk of dying at any moment. Against the odds I survived. That resilience and determination has followed me through life. This helped me with specific decisions I had to take during my year in England, giving me the chance to explore my abilities. Helped me outgrow difficult situations I've been through and focus on my future, which has also led me to my decision to apply for university abroad as I believe that FIT is the best place for me to explore my skills and talents and the best way for me to employ them in my future life.

[...]

How did being born prematurely help with such decisions?

In general, I think it is a mistake to use the fact that you were born prematurely as evidence of your preparedness for succeeding in this college program. It's not really part of what makes the reader decide whether to give you an opportunity.

When using the kind of telepathy we call 'writing', it's important to remember: Less = more. That means, you make a stronger impression on the reader if you burden her with fewer ideas to process and remember. Try to make it so this essay is all about one idea. Let it be a theme that the reader can remember. What is the theme of your plan for using this program to help you get closer to your goals? What is one word that perfectly expresses the reason you are a good fit for the program?

That resilience and determination has followed me through life. ..---if you have 2 words, it should be 'have' instead of 'had'.. but I think the best way is to omit these words I crossed out.

In order to inspire others you first have to gain personal inspiration from experience, as well as from what people have taught you. You have to be taught to believe in yourself in order to teach others to do so. ---- THIS IS PERFECT! THIS IS A REAL IDEA YOU'RE SHARING WITH THE READER, and I benefited from it so I know others can, too. Thanks for sharing this insight. If you put this at the beginning of the essay, in the first paragraph, you will win the heart of the reader.

***Challenge yourself to describe all accomplishments/experiences in 50% of the words you have used. Simplify, and omit the least important words and sentences. Trim them right away.

thank you! EF_Kevin, would you say that its better if delete my first paragraph and start with the inspiration paragraph first?

what would you think my theme should be, from what you have read about my essense?

Thank you thank you thank you, i have been needing a second point of view ever since i started writting.

- I agree with EF_Kevin. This particular line of yours should serve as your complete opening paragraph or introduction because it contains the hook or reason why your reader should continue to follow what you have to say. Developing the totality of the essay around this theme solidifies your message and supporting facts regarding your ability to become an excellent FIT candidate.

In addition to his suggestion, I would like to refer you to the paragraph where you talk about failing school and repeating a year level in order to continue in the Mexican educational system. One reason you need to delete it is that you do not want to present yourself in a negative light regarding your ability to succeed as a student. This paragraph just screams "I am a failure!" even if you did keep trying and eventually succeeded. Don't present yourself in a bad light because that tends to normally stick with the reader. The paragraph also does not seem to connect with the rest of the essay as you composed it. I would instead start off the second paragraph here:


I also believe that you need to strengthen your credentials in the essay relating to the major that you are applying to at FIT. While you present extra curricular activities as strong points, I did not really find any connection between those activities and the major you are trying to get acceptance into. Never say you "hope" to become a candidate for or a FIT student. Instead, present them with the reasons why you are an excellent addition to the FIT student roster. This can be done through the presentation of your early foundation in the major, your internships and training, and other activities that relate to your chosen field. Don't just discuss extra curricular activities of all sorts. You are trying to sell yourself as a viable candidate for the school, so concentrate on activities that you know will be related to your major and are sure to impress the admissions officer. Surely you have a background in activities that relate to this interest right? Use it to the best of your abilities.

thank you very much vangiespen,

although im a bit confused about getting rid of the part where i explain why i had to repear year,because during the academic history evaluation FIT does ask to explain why i had to repeat the year, how should i put it down to words to explain the situation without making myself look like a failure?

thank you very much!!

Ivanka, normally the college application essays have specific common prompts that ask you to explain certain academic requirements that you may or may not have completed during your high school level studies. Am I right to assume that there is a specific essay from FIT that allows you to explain that? If they do have such an essay app, then reserve the information about your failure in school for that particular application. It is more relevant there and you will have more than enough of a chance to fully explain the reasons behind the failure and how you overcame them. In this particular essay, it is just out of place and lessens the impact of the overall message. You need to build your character and potential as a student in this particular statement. If you choose to retain that reference to your failed school year, it will not only diminish the impact of the essay but put your ability to succeed as a FIT student into question. That is why I am advising you not to discuss that particular part of your educational career in this particular essay.

oh okay i agree, thank you very much!!

should i build my essay around of what inspires me and my abilities linked to my major then??

Definitely build your essay around the inspiration and abilities that you have which have all contributed to your desire to attend FIT and pursue your major. Avid discussing any activities that do nor relate directly to your prompt. There will be other common essay apps that will allow you to discuss that. For this essay discuss your interest in fashion, how it developed, and what activities you have participated in that have helped you hone your skills. Make sure to call attention to any notable awards or internships that have helped you decide that you should pursue a future in fashion and design.

here's my second attempt, what do you think? vangiespen EF_KevinThreads: 11

An artistic environment depends mainly on one thing that is to inspire and to be inspired

FIT inspiration essay attempt 2

I truly believe that an artistic environment depends mainly on one thing that is to inspire and to be inspired. I believe that in order to inspire others you first have to gain personal inspiration from experience, as well as from what people have taught you. You have to be taught to believe in yourself in order to teach others to do so.

The oxford dictonary defines inspiration as the process of being mentally simulated to do or feel something.
[...]

- This is a statement that does not really tell the admissions officer too much about what you expect to be learning in class or what you have to offer in terms of your participation as a student. Remember, you are supposed to prove that your academic and extra curricular qualifications make you a good candidate as a FIT student. Perhaps you should omit this sentence instead? If you don't want to omit it, then develop it further to better suit the prompt.

Aside from my comment about that particular sentence, the overall essay has vastly improved and allows the reader to have a better idea of who you are and why you want to attend FIT. I believe that the essay works better now, with one remaining edit. It is almost ready for use at this point.

I agree a lot with that first sentence... and it's a great idea to use as the first sentence. But we should improve the efficiency:

I truly believe that a An artistic environment mainly n one thing that is to is one that enables people to inspire and to be inspired.

Inspiration is the energy at the root of it all, for sure.

The first sentence of the last paragraph has a lot of energy to it, and I think your personality is strongly reflected in the writing. But also be careful. it's a run-on sentence if you don't include the word 'and' ------ what I want and what I am capable of, and I know ...

In my opinion, inspiration equals gaining from what life has to offer everyday every day. It's learning that ---- Are you sure this is how you explain the concept of inspiration? I didn't think of inspiration as something that could be described as gaining from what life has to offer. Your explanation of it seems confusing and incomplete.

But most importantly, this essay really does already have great energy. You must have been feeling it when you were typing. It's something that was written in a moment of inspiration, and the reader notices that. : )

what i meant with the inspiration part is that for me its not something that suddendly hits you like most people if not all of the people believe. i think that inspiration is waking up in the morning taking a deep breath and let whatever is the situation in your life trigger of the creativity. for me inspiration is feeling a deep hole on your chest when your hurting, for me inspiration is sitting at a bench and just watching people walk, with their different lifestyles and vibes, traveling, living.

i guess i have so many things thats inspires me everyday that its hard for me to put up in words, specially when i have a limit of 750. but if you say that part is wrong then i would like to make it better.

thank you!!!

thank you!! what do you think about this?

This made want to learn more skills such as video editing, photography and photo editing, skills that I learnt all by myself.
I am very excited for some of the courses I could take in FIT where I would learn more about these, and other skills. Some are Capturing creativity, Digital Graphics II and TV Ad Concepts along with most of the advertising courses. I am also very interested on joining Blush magazine, AD at FIT, and CFMA clubs, I can close my eyes and see myself already being part of these activities. i also want to join a photography course since I've never had a proper lesson and Its a skill i feel very passionate about.

During my year in England I won the school's photography contest that was based on the quote "hear my voice" I enjoyed working on this because I had to generate ideas that could match this saying but also wanted to leave a thought at the back of the mind of the people who saw them, I focused on social problems in our

This is an excellent explanation that should definitely finds its way into you essay. This is the kind of intimate contact that should be represented when you present the following paragraph;


as an independent paragraph depicting your interest and how FIT is the perfect school for a person of your diverse interests :-) Shall we give it another try?

so should i explain that last paragraph in a more.. sensitive way?

the thing is i want to explain myself more but im already over the limit of words and i dont know how to trim some parts off without losing the escencial.

i am very thankfull for the help you've been giving me i really aprecciate it!!!

Ivanka, thank you for letting me know about the word count limitation. Now, this is what I would like you to do. Forget the word count. Just write the essay in the best way that allows you to express your thoughts,desires, and offers the clearest explanation about yourself. I don't care if the word count is 1000 by the time you finish it. If we have a clear picture of what it is that you want to say, no matter how wordy it is, we will be able to edit it properly and allow the clear essence of your sentiments to come through. I'll assist you every step of the way. Unless you let yourself free and express yourself completely in the paper, we will not be able to reach a satisfactory version of this paper. Shall we work on it? :-) I will make sure you bring it down to the proper word count in a manner that best expresses what you want to say. If you stick with me, I am willing to keep helping you edit the paper until we both know the paper is the best it can be :-) Do we have the time to work on it? When is it due for submission?

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
you are the best! I will work on it right away.

about the deadline im not so sure, the webpage says that the application process are due february 1st, but i want to send it as soon as posible, so i'll work on it during this week and next and see if the results are good enough! thank you again for everything

FIT apart from having this environment that believe that artistic people can succeed, it has a very complete course which I instantly fell in love with that depends on communication design and advertising design, I am very interested in learning new skills

Such as developing my ideas and emphasize it on my drawings, image composition and manipulation, learning more about communication strategy and creating eye catching images or videos that will change the point of view of the receptors. These are only some courses that this career has to offer me, such as Capturing Creativity, Digital Graphics, and TV Ad concepts along with the rest of advertising courses that I crave to attend. These are courses that I don't have the opportunity to attend here in Mexico. Along with the Career I chose, while researching I found myself a couple of clubs I would love to join, such as Blush magazine, AD at FIT and if possible CFMA, where I will not only be doing what I love and working along with people from all over the world thanks to the diversity the school brings, but also earning tools and connections hat will help me in my professional development for my future life.

any thoughts? is it getting better?

Ivank, it is certainly getting better. Let me assist you this time by helping you to expand and explain the content per paragraph. I'll offer you some guidelines regarding it :-)


- You can start off your essay by explaining something along these lines:
Being a person who has had a lifelong passion of arts, creativity, fashion, and design, I have long tried to find a way to fulfill my passions in the Mexican educational system. Sadly, there is no school, college, or university in my home country that will allow me to pursue my passions in the manner that I wish to. That is why I had to look overseas for the fulfillment that I crave, During this search, I came across FIT where, after coming to understand what the school stands for and what it allows the students to pursue, I came to the realization that I belong in the word that FIT offers.

- Connect the rest of your paragraph to this :-) After I see how it looks in the new form, I will try to come up with a template version for you to base your next and hopefully final revision on :-)

An artistic environment is one that enables people to inspire and to be inspired. I believe that in order to inspire others you first have to gain personal inspiration from experience, as well as from what people have taught you. You have to be taught to believe in yourself in order to teach others to do so.

For me inspiration is not something that suddenly hits you like most people believe, in my opinion it is more that just a process, inspiration equals gaining from what life has to offer everyday.

[...]

First, I suggest getting rid of 'I believe'
I believe that in order To inspire others you ..

Also, it's better not to use 'you' because the reader does not want to feel like someone is preaching to them and presuming to tell them what to do:

To inspire others, you I first first have to gain personal inspiration from experience, as well as from what people have taught you me. ---- This way is more 'modest' I think, and it feels nicer to the reader.

For me inspiration is not something that happens suddenly. hits you like most people believe, --- no need to say what most people believe. Readers liek to figure some things out on their own.

Start a new sentence instead of letting it be a run on sentence: In my opinion it is more that (than?) just a process; inspiration ...

"Everyday" is an adjective. Since you are not using it as an adjective, use two separate words: Every day...

I think the last sentence of the essay is full of vague statements that do not mean anything specific enough. If you mention a few specific goals that are unique to you, unique to your perspective, it might leave a stronger impression on the reader's mind.

: )

Ivanka, I agree with Kevin. The essay needs to be less self centered and more about your desire to impact the general population through your studies at FIT. You have some unique ideas about inspiration, so why not use those ideas to describe how the actions of people in general create inspiration for others ? That way you remove the person centered theme and convert it to a more inspiring theme instead. Bring the person centric theme back when you discuss how fits into the picture you just described. Do you think you need a sample template for that? Let me know so I can develop a simple version for you. Just give me the prompt again to serve as my guide.

which part exactly is the part i have to change? i am sorry i just feel like im losing my head over this essay i cant think straight anymore and i also feel like im so close yet so far from finishing this.

should i delete complete the last paragraph? or is it just the last sentence? where should i talk more about the inspiration impact on others exactly?

can you help me ?

the prompt is what makes you the best candidate for FIT?

I have set my goals high enough to make myself climb, I know what I want and what I am capable of, and I know that the path I will walk won't be easy but every step will be as enriching and broadening as the accomplishment of reaching the finish line. For me, getting accepted to FIT would be the start of this road, and I want to prove that I am a hardworking girl that is capable to inspire others to pursue their dreams, I want to inspire others to leave their comfort zone and follow what moves them, I want prove that even a small town girl can belong where things happen on a big scale, if it has what it takes to pursue this.

how about this? is it getting better?

Take a moment to breath Ivanka. Don't get caught up in the stress of the application frenzy. Losing your head will make the paper worse. Don't worry, it is getting there. What you wrote, in my opinion, is a very good reference to inspiration at the end of the paper. It shows that ambitious side of you that already has plans as to how to get the future that you feel you deserve. But you need to expand upon how you see this particular degree will help you to inspire people somewhere in the beginning or middle of the essay as well. Do you think you can write a paragraph or so about that? It feels like that statement is needed to tie the whole paper together. Once you have written the paragraph, post the entire revised essay here so that we can review it as a whole new paper. I will be looking for a seamless transition between paragraphs and the relevancy of what you wrote to the prompt. Kindly post the prompt again with the new version so that we will be sure to review it properly. Thanks.

okay i wrote the paragraph you asked for, i couldn't post it as a new thread since i am asked to correct 4 essays in which as you can see, im not good at all.

but heres pretty much how my almost final essay is dont, so far its about 1200 words so we have to cut it down to 750.

the prompt is: What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? explain life experiences that brought you this decision.

and heres the essay:

An artistic environment is one that enables people to inspire and to be inspired. In order to inspire others I first have to gain personal inspiration from experience, as well as from what people have taught me. I have to be taught to believe in myself in order to teach others to do so.

For me inspiration is not something that happens suddenly, in my opinion it is more than just a process; inspiration equals gaining from what life has to offer every day. It means having a hole on your chest when hurting, or sitting at a bench and watch people walk by, with their different lifestyles and worlds in their heads and let that amaze you. It's being able to breathe in the city's vibe as well as relax at a deserted beach, inspiration means living. It's learning that nothing in life is a loss and something's always earned. Its waking up, taking a deep breath and let yourself feel and gain from the good times as well as the bad times and let this drive turn it into something exceptional.

I learnt this while studying in England at the age of 16, I overcame the fear of leaving my home and gave life an opportunity to teach me build character and find myself. I had to leave my comfort zone in order to understand that my head is the only home I have and start appreciating life more deeply. These were melancholic as well as remarkable moments that triggered off my creativity and determination to leave a mark, which has followed me ever since. This helped me with specific decisions I've had to take, giving me the chance to explore my abilities and outgrow difficult situations, focusing on my future. Which has also led me to my decision to apply for university abroad as I believe that FIT is the best place for me to explore my skills and talents and the best way for me to employ them in my future life.

I want to open myself doors that will lead me to greater opportunities. By making this decision, I know I'm not only choosing a school that will prepare me for these opportunities but also choosing the heart of the city where dreams are made of as my campus. I am choosing to learn in an creative, fashion environment from which I will constantly be enriching myself, in order to one day, project that vibe on my work and be able to inspire others, just like so many ex alumni from FIT have done.

I want to major in Advertising and focus in fashion because it both fits my likes and gives me a broad space to learn from. I have always been astonished for how fashion brands connect with people through their marketing and advertising campaigns, without words they are able to create an image on the receptor and most importantly make this person feel something. I have spent hours of my life, watching perfume commercials and luxury brand short films, flipping through fashion magazines paying attention exclusively on how the commercials are designed in order to create an statement.

This made me want to learn more skills such as video editing, photography and photo manipulation, skills that I learnt all by myself.
During my year in England I won the school's photography contest that was based on the quote "hear my voice" I enjoyed working on this because I had to generate ideas that could match this saying but also wanted to leave a thought at the back of the mind of the people who saw them, I focused on social problems in our generation, such as bullying, racism, depression and how these problems often go unlistened. This specific moment made me feel more intrigued about communications and started focusing and researching on such as a career.

This is what I want, to inspire people through my commercials, my photography or my art. To make people feel something, to make them want to be part of that atmosphere or lifestyle and lead them to buy what the company I am working for is selling. But apart from that I have personal projects I want to focus on at some point in my life that have a much deeper concept, I want to create artwork that will be touching enough for people to feel inspired to help others, I want to show the society we live in on. I want to work on the fashion and luxury atmosphere but I also want to show the world that there is much more than that, no matter what is the lifestyle you live in there will always be someone you crave to become, but there is also someone who craves having your luck. I want a world that can admire beauty and art, I want to make this world we live in feel something.

Being a person who has had a lifelong passion of arts, creativity, fashion, and design, I have long tried to find a way to fulfill my passions in the Mexican educational system. Sadly, there is no school, college, or university in my home country that will allow me to pursue my passions in the manner that I wish to. That is why I had to look overseas for the fulfillment that I crave, During this search, I came across FIT where, after coming to understand what the school stands for and what it allows the students to pursue, I came to the realization that I belong in the world that FIT offers.

FIT apart from having this environment that believe that artistic people can succeed, it has a very complete course, which I instantly fell in love with, I want to learn more skills that will let me develop my ideas and through my drawings, image composition, manipulation and communication strategy create eye catching images or videos that will change the point of view of the receptors.

Along with the Career I chose, while researching I found myself a couple of clubs I would also love to join, such as Blush magazine, AD at FIT and if possible CFMA, where I will not only be doing what I love and working along with people from all over the world thanks to the diversity the school brings, but also earning tools and connections hat will help me in my professional development for my future life.

I have set my goals high enough to make myself climb, I know what I want and what I am capable of, and I know that the path I will walk won't be easy but every step will be as enriching and broadening as the accomplishment of reaching the finish line. For me, getting accepted to FIT would be the start of this road, and I want to prove that I am a hardworking girl that is capable to inspire others to pursue their dreams, I want to inspire others to leave their comfort zone and follow what moves them, I want prove that even a small town girl can belong where things happen on a big scale, if it has what it takes to pursue this.

i have to say i am very glad i found you, you have been very helpfull and i could have not made what i have so far without you! so thank you very much!!

heres pretty much how my almost final essay looks like*

i dont know what i was thinking when i wrote that part hahah

I notice that this sentence is not really related to the other sentences in the paragraph. The paragraph is about an environment conducive to inspiration AND about the necessity of getting inspired before you can inspire. But believing in oneself is totally different.

I suggest replacing that sentence with a sentence that expresses the most important idea... the one the reader is supposed to remember about your essay. Everyone likes to be told a story. When I entered college I specifically wanted to learn about the work of Noam Chomsky because his work had inspired me to study linguistics.That sentence is a little story. Even if you don't know who Chomsky is, you enjoy the story. So I suggest adding or changing a sentence in each paragraph to say something about the 'story' of how you will achieve particular, specific goals at this school.

One strategy is like this: End the first paragraph with a sentence similar to my Chomsky sentence, telling the reader something specific about your own unique interests. Then, include at least one sentence in each body paragraph to tell how the main idea of that paragraph relates to the 'story' of how you will achieve particular, specific goals at this school.

Ivanka, I tried to clean up your essay for you with some editing work. I brought it down to 583. If you like what I did, then feel free to use it :-) I removed the redundancies and combined some thoughts into single paragraphs. Merging some of them whenever possible to bring down the word count.

I spent a year studying in England where the educational system is far different from that of Mexico, my homeland. As such, I was influenced by the European mode of thinking and lifestyle. Hence my interest in fashion and my belief that an artistic environment is only complete if it manages to inspire people to achieve more than they think they can in life through the canvass they have chosen for their art. For me, that canvass is Fashion and Advertising. Why? Fashion and advertising have slowly evolved into a method by which people make a statement about their personality, their causes, and their lifestyle. It is the perfect non-technological method to inspire others through affordable means. It is my aim to inspire people to make statements through my chosen canvass utilizing any learning opportunities that FIT has to offer me.

I want to open doors that will lead me to greater opportunities. Having been inspired by the core values of FIT as the most cutting edge school of Fashion in New York, I realized that my aspirations in life can only be met by allowing myself to be molded by the mentors at this university. By making this decision, I know I'm not only choosing a school that will prepare me for these opportunities but also choosing the heart of the city where dreams are made of as my home for the next 4 years. I am choosing to learn in an creative, fashion environment from where I will be enriching myself, in order to one day, project that vibe on my work and be able to inspire others, just like so many ex alumni from FIT have done.

I have always been astonished for how fashion brands connect with people through their marketing and advertising campaigns, without words they are able to create an image on the person viewing the print ad, billboard, or television ad. This interest enticed me into the world of video editing, photography and photo manipulation, skills that I learnt all by myself.

During my year in England I won the school's photography contest that was based on the quote "hear my voice" I enjoyed working on this because I had to generate ideas that could match this saying but also wanted to leave a thought at the back of the mind of the people who saw them, I focused on social problems in our generation, such as bullying, racism, depression and how these problems often go unlistened. This specific moment made me feel more intrigued about communications and started focusing and researching on such as a career. It offered me platform to discuss my cause and gained the attention of others in the process. Causing my message to spread further than I thought possible through art discussions and the like.

This is what I want, to inspire people through my commercials, my photography or my art. To make people feel something, to make them want to be part of that atmosphere or lifestyle. I want to focus and create artwork that will be touching enough for people to feel inspired to help others. I want to make this world we live in feel something.

I know what I want and what I am capable of. I know that the path I will walk won't be easy but every step will be as enriching and broadening as the accomplishment of reaching the finish line. For me, getting accepted to FIT would be the start of this road.

thank you very much vangiespen! you have been an angel!
does it mean its pretty much ready?

It is pretty much ready at this point. In my opinion, you can already submit this essay for consideration. Then again, my idea of a finished essay may be different from yours. So review the essay very well. Make sure you are comfortable with it and then decide if you want to change or anything else. At this point, you are the one who has to make the decision as the readiness of the essay. I'll go with whatever you decide :-)