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I really want to earn this chance; Exchange student program - self-introduction

muggy 1 / 1 1  
Jan 24, 2017   #1

a new challenge

I grew up in a family that gives me independence and challenging spirit. However, I couldn't find what am I doing in my life and what is my life's goal until became a college student. After entering college I tried to put me in a harsh condition for improve independence and challenging spirit.

When I was a fresh man in college I traveled my country by foots without money with friends which distance was approximately four hundred-kilometer. While traveling, I had many experiences that received meal from people who haven't ever seen me and I had own my time to think about me without any distractions. After this time, I changed more confidence and feel fulfilled which allow me to more helpful when I contract with many people.

Also, I was a member of a climbing club in college. At the beginning, I had felt difficulty climbing mountain because of I didn't have enough strength and experiences. But I overcame it with a lot of training that training three times in a week with club members and every weekend climbing mountain with members. through this experience, I realized that how to challenge difficulty works and handle it successfully.

In addition, I had worked in a Logistics Center about eight months as an inventory team member. working in a Logistics center was very hard and I had to manage many things such as check all the inventory item's expiration date , driving a forklift , supplement items. Actually, I felt it is difficult to learn and memorize various works. However, I became fluent with these things in one month which allow me to develop independence and responsibility.

Now, I am just getting a new challenge for college life. I am preparing for exchange student program nowadays. I am not sure that how this challenge end but I am sure that exchange student program is great chance ever since entering university. This program allow me to experience a variety of things and improve a quality of my life. Through this program, I will be the person who I used to dream. I really want to earn this chance.

2. Statement of purpose (deleted)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,830 4781  
Jan 24, 2017   #2
Muggy, since you are new to the forum, let me explain how this forum works, the forum admins have made it very clear that advice is to be given on a one essay per thread basis. Therefore, I will only be able to present advice to you regarding the essay that is topmost in the page. You will have to present the statement of purpose in a separate thread before someone can advice you on it. Also, please don't forget to advice the other students so that you can get more help for your own essay. Thanks for understanding. Now, let me get to work on your self introduction essay.

Please be very honest and tell me if you used an online translator for your essay. The reason that I am asking is because your essay development sounds like it was very badly translated from your vernacular. The sentences do not make any sense and create stress for the reader because there is no clear meaning in your sentence. I am sure that the words that you wrote make sense in your mind because of the transliteration of the sentences. However, that is not the case for the reader. Your essay doesn't really live up to the self introduction that it was required to create because it is hard to understand what you are trying to say.

Were you provided with instructions for the self introduction? Is there a list of questions that you need to respond to in order to write this essay? If you have a list of questions to answer, please share it with me in this thread. I should be able to help you revise this essay to make more sense to the reader once I know what you are supposed to present in the self introduction essay.

In the meantime, do not work on this essay. It is not going to benefit your application. There is a lot more work to be done on the essay before it can become an actual draft essay, which will be ready for editing and revision. This is very far from that point at the moment.
OP muggy 1 / 1 1  
Jan 25, 2017   #3
I don't have any list to respond. i just need to write self introduction and statement of purpose. thank you for respond!!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,830 4781  
Jan 25, 2017   #4
Hi Muggy, let me try to help you better outline your self introduction. By following this outline you will be able to present the reviewer with a better idea as to who you are, what your life is like and what your dreams are for your future. I will explain it to you in paragraph form so that you will know what topic should be presented in which paragraph.

First paragraph - Where you come from and what your family is life. Tell the reviewer how many siblings you have and what your parents do for a living. Explain what your role in the family is. For example, if you take care of your siblings or if you help your parents to earn money to help support your family. This will tell the reviewer that you grew up a responsible person who is not afraid to do hard work or anything that can help you in improving your life.

Second paragraph - Talk about your academic life. Where did you go to school, what kind of student were you, and any academic accomplishments that you have.

Third paragraph - Talk about any experience that you have traveling abroad or within your home country. The portion about you visiting friends 4 miles away will be a very good topic for this paragraph. Just make sure to explain your travels properly. At the end of the paragraph, explain a lesson that you learned from these travels.

Fourth paragraph - Present your ambition in life. Who do you want to be in the future? How can this exchange program help you achieve those dreams?

Fifth paragraph - Close the essay by explaining why you believe that your life experiences have helped to prepare you to become one of the best exchange students that the program can admit. Present your excitement at the thought of possibly becoming a part of the program this upcoming semester.
Alindaputri 2 / 6  
Jan 26, 2017   #5
Make it simple but interesting maybe with your achievement, your hobbies, your life experiences, and others.
maitouyen1 8 / 19  
Jan 27, 2017   #6
Hi @muggy. I am not really good at english but I can give you some advice about your essay . First , your essay has really serious grammatical problems . If you try to report your story , please use simple past . For example ,''However, I became fluent with these things in one month which allow me to develop independence and responsibility.'' you should use allowed. After because of you must you noun phrase not a clause because of I didn't have enough strength . Before a noun you have to use adj . I can understand What you want to say but it does not work very well becouse of lexical and grammatical drawbacks . Maybe you should improve your writing skill

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