Hello everyone,
I`m a new user of this forum. From the threads I read I think that here I can find the help I need to write my motivation essay to the Universitet van Amsterdam, the university I`m trying to get into.
The deadline to send my application form is on 1st of June, pretty soon uh? I know I`m late but before knowing about this forum I was about to send my form without a second thought. This in the first essay I write for this kind of purpose and since English is not my first language I hope you`ll help both with grammar and its content (I worte the essay thinking what I would say to convince someone that I`m eligible for that university).
Here is the essay, since the deadline is so close, I hope you`ll be so kind to help me improve it.
There are different reasons that made me want to apply to the Economics and Business bachelor programme at the Universitet van Amsterdam (UvA). The first one is of course my interest in economics: I watch with admiring eyes how the world we live in changes fast and I think that working in this field would be the bast way to be part of this change, to live in and feel it. In order to do that I know I need the best education possible and I think UvA can provide it to me. That is because it represents to me the modern and international environment I want to be dealing with.
Studying in UvA would not be my first experience abroad: I lived in China for 10 months on an international exchange-students programme. At the time I applied for the programme I was 16 and I chose China because I was amazed by two of its characteristics: first it is a completely different world form the one I was used to. Living there I learned that western and eastern culture are two different world living on the same planet. Adapting to that new reality was real fun but most of all it taught more than I could ever get staying home another year. On the other hand it`s clear how China is becoming a world power and I can now say that I saw it with my eyes: I lived in Chengdu (Sichuan) which is one of the fastest growing city in the world. When I arrived they started building a skyscraper in front of my school; when I was about to leave, just 10 months after, it was almost finished, and this is just a little example of that amazing reality. During my stay I met a lot of foreigner people who where there trying to start a new business and I started to ask them about the economic situation in Chengdu: it is from them that I learned of fast Chengdu was growing and the more I asked the more I was amazed of it and willing of learning how things really work. The Economics and Business programme at UvA will give me the tools to enter this world and starting my own activity.
So why not studying in Italy, maybe in an English-taught programme? First of all because, like I already said, I want to live in an international environment, exchanging ideas and comparing myself with people from different countries and culture, who have probably been raised in a different way than mine and who can open my mind to different realities. There is also another aspect that i value: challenge. Besides the fact that I love traveling I know how hard it can be to become part of new group as a foreigner (and Yes, I`m trilled about doing that again) I`m looking forward to test my skills and improve them; I see myself fitting very well in a team working on a project and, if suitable to do so, I`d even be ready to lead that team.
Universitet van Amsterdam is the right place for my growth both on an academic and a personal level.
p.s: Since I`ll probably apply to other universities I`d like to know if it`s a good idea to use the same essay and changing just some parts (that assuming this i actually a decent essay :) ).
Taking your last question first, what many students do is write one essay which they then adjust to suit each university or program to which they apply. When adapting your personal essay to suit each school, be sure to note something specific about that school or program that attracts you and at least one reason why you are an especially appropriate candidate to that school or program.
Turning to your essay, this is a good start but needs a lot of work before it will be ready. Let's get the substance and style right first before fine-tuning the grammar and punctuation.
Your introduction is weak. "There are many reasons" is a passive and vague phrase. Instead, start with a strong statement about yourself or your desire to study economics and business in Amsterdam. I like what you say about wanting to live in and feel our fast-paced world, so that might be a good place to start. Or you could start with the memory of watching that skyscraper rising into the sky in only 10 months.
Yes, now that I think about it, that would be the place to start, with you watching the skyscraper soaring into the sky and wanting to be a part of that fast-paced world. From there, you can back-track to tell about your experiences in China and your wish to continue your path of study abroad.
Next, you will need to make your tone a little more formal. This:
So why not studying in Italy, maybe in an English-taught programme? First of all because, like I already said,
is too informal and also raises a question that is of concern to you, perhaps, but not to those reading your letter. Instead of arguing against the alternative, simply state the positive reasons why you wish to study abroad in general and in Amsterdam in particular.
Finally, you've told them why you want them. Don't forget to tell them why they should want you. What will you bring to the program that will be useful? I don't know you, but from what I've read, you will bring energy, curiosity, and experience with diverse cultures.
You'll also need to work on your grammar and punctuation, so feel free to post your revised essay for further feedback. Good luck!
Thank you very much!!
I thought about the fact that the form was too informal but you gave me advices about thing I didn`t even notice. I`ll make it better and post it again.
Thanks,
Federico
So I changed it. I didn`t really follow you suggestion about the opening statement, not because I thought it wasn`t a good idea but because all the essays I read (or at least most of them) start with a similar formula, or something about the student childhood and everything.
Even tough this probably works I don`t really see myself in it. Anyway if you still think my opening statement is still lacking on some sort of drama (I know that`s is not what you wanted me to do, it`s just I don`t really know how to express this idea, i just hope you`ll understand) I`m totally in for further changes. :)
About the grammar and punctuation I`m afraid that my way of writing is still too tied up with the italian style I`ve always used `till now. In addition I know that repetition is not a very big problem in English writings (or at least this is what they taught me) but when I read my essay I see that I used the same words too many times. I hope you`ll be able to help solve these problems.
...
I even tought about an adding at the end of the essay that would look like this:
"[...] will take this reality to an even higher level (like that skyscraper)."
But to me it looked silly, I just wrote to know what you (and an hypotetical reader) would think about it.
Frederico,
Your idea for the conclusion is very charming, although I can also see why you felt uncomfortable with it. I think that an admissions officer would like it, but you can leave it out if it makes you feel silly.
I see real improvement in this essay, although you still have a way to go. The introduction is stronger, but the first line is still weak. The idea is to say something that will immediately grab the reader's attention, so that you stand out from the crowd rather than sounding just like everybody else.
Here's my suggestion:
Ten months in Chendu, China changed my view of the world and of my future. Since my return last summer, I've been thinking about my studies after high school, and after a lot of searching and meditating I`m now sure that the Economics and Business bachelor programme at the Universitet van Amsterdam (UvA) is the right choice for me.
Then you can go on with the essay as it is. But you will have to make changes there too. For example, you say that you were attracted to China for two reasons, but only list one.
Start a new paragraph with "I lived in Chengdu (Sichuan)..." so that the skyscraper story will stand out more strongly.
And, yes, you will have to get out of the habit of structuring long sentences as you would in Italian. The sentence that begins "I could probably choose an Italian university..." is an example of that. Similarly, the earlier sentence that begins "During my stay..." could be broken down into two sentences, with a period where you now have a colon.
The first sentence MUST be clever:
There are different reasons that A myriad of related factors made me want to apply to the Economics and Business bachelor programme at the Universitet van Amsterdam (UvA).
Get inspired, and intrigue the reader! :-)
Ok I tried to make my sentences shorter and I changed my opening sentence trying to follow you suggestion and not just by copying it. I also added the last sentence about the skyscraper. I will decide later if leaving it there or not.
By the way, do you think that mentioning the university in Venice is a good idea?
Living 10 months in China when you`re 17 is something that changes your view of the world and of the future. Since when I came back last summer I started thinking about my studies after high-school. After a lot of searching and meditating I`m now sure that the Economics and Business bachelor programme at the Universitet van Amsterdam (UvA) is the right choice for me. That is because I am now aware of the amazing reality we are living in everyday.
As I said studying in UvA would not be my first experience abroad: I lived in China for 10 months on an international exchange-students programme. At the time I applied for the programme I was 16 and I chose China because I was amazed by two of its characteristics: first of all I knew it is a completely different world form the one I was used to. Living there I learned that western and eastern culture are two different world living on the same planet. Adapting to that new reality was real fun but most of all it taught more than I could ever get staying home another year.
Second it`s clear how China is becoming a world power and I can now say that I saw it with my eyes: I lived in Chengdu (Sichuan), which is one of the fastest growing cities in the world. When I arrived, they started building a skyscraper in front of my school. When I was about to leave, just 10 months after, it was almost finished. And this is just a little example of that amazing reality.
During my stay I met a lot of foreigner people who where there trying to start a new business. I started to ask them about the economic situation in Chengdu: it is from them that I learned how fast Chengdu was growing and the more I asked the more I was amazed of it and willing of learning how things really work.
While I was living in China I had many great experiences but even now, a year later, thinking about me getting out of the school and watching that skyscraper growing so fast still gives me chills. I am amazed of how fast our world is changing and studying economics is the right way for me to be part of that change. It is clear to me that I`m developing a strong passion and interest for this field and I know that the Economics and Business bachelor programme at UvA will give me the tools to be part of this reality that amazes me so much,
I could probably choose an italian university for my study. For instance I live close to Venice where there is a good university with an English-taught programme about economics. But I know that if I want to pursue my objectives I will have to study in an international and modern environment, such as the one you have at UvA. Furthermore studying in a foreign country that I have never been to would be a stimulating challenge. And that is another thing that I`m looking for. I love traveling and I know how hard it can be to become part of a group as an outsider (and Yes, I`m thrilled about doing that again). Studying at UvA would be at the same time the challenge that I`m looking for and a great chance to meet people who come from different countries and cultures, who have probably been raised in a different way than me. I want to compare myself with these people, I want to exchange ideas and our view of the world.
While studying at UvA I will be able to improve my knowledge and skills and I will provide other students with the knowledge and skill I already have so that we will get better and better in a stimulating and challenging environment. I see myself fitting very well in a team working on a project and, if suitable to do so, I`d even be ready to lead that team. I know that Universitet van Amsterdam is the right place for my growth both on an academic and a personal level. What I also know is that my energy, my curiosity and my desire for endless improvement will take this reality to an even higher level, just like that skyscraper.
I thank you again for the great help you`re giving me. At the beginning I wasn`t very enthusiast about having to write this essay but now it`s even becoming kind of funny.
A few fixes for you:
"Since when I came back last summer, I started thinking about my studies after high-school." (Why do you hate commas? Commas are so cute and friendly. You should use them more often.)
"After a lot of searching and meditating, I`m now sure that the Economics and Business bachelor programme at the Universitet van Amsterdam (UvA) is the right choice for me. That is because I am now that I'm aware of the amazing reality we are livinglive in everyday."
You need to do something with the "first" and "second" structure you use in the next part of the essay. It's a bit choppy as it stands.
"During my stay, I met a lot of foreigners people who where there trying to start a new businesses . "
"While I was living in China I had many great experiences, but even now, a year later, thinking about me getting out of the school and watching that skyscraper growing so fast still gives me chills."
You wrote:: ...we are living in everyday.
"Everyday," as one word, is an adjective I think. I'm not sure because using that word is not an everyday experience for me. If I use the word every day, I'll get good at it.
So, you need to use it as 2 words, I think.
Also, I wanted to say that your opening paragraph is very impressive -- Sean will probably think I like it because you mention meditation, which I talk about all the time. But actually, I am very impressed by your way of writing. It's so direct, and you lead the reader.
Oh, I se a mistake in the sentence that involver "foreigners"... but Sean already corrected it. I actually suggest that you find another word to use... not "foreigners." Eve though you are using it in a good way, it is an ugly word!
Isn't "foreigner" an ugly word? Ha ha, I have always thought that.
Good point about "everyday" versus "every day." Students make that error so often!
Sean thank you very much for the fixes!! and that every day thing, I never even heard about that!! thanks again..
Foreigner is an ugly word?? Really? I didn`t know.. actually while I was abroad we always talked about ourselves (my foreigner friends and I) as foreigners.. anyway I`ll look for something better.
And thanks for the compliment Kevin, it`s always good to read such things :)
Anyway just to let you now I sent my admission request last friday, but since it`s really difficult for me to get in that university (only 100 free places per year and my grades are not that good) I`ll soon be looking for other universities in Europe.
Even though I plan on changing the essay a lot I think it would be stupid to not start from this one, also because I`ll still be looking for an economics university in an international city.
So thanks again and if you have any further suggestions you`re always welcome.
Federico
In English-speaking countries where there is a high level of hostility to immigrants, "foreigner" is often used pejoratively.
I'm glad you sent your essay off and wish you the best of luck with that and future applications!
However, the word "foreigner" is not in and of itself pejorative, as certain ethnic slurs are. If it has any innate negative connotations, they are only those that would attach to any word used to represent groups that, by definition, are always "other." As such, attempting to find a more politically correct term to replace it is probably an exercise in futility, as the negative feelings will merely transfer to the new term.
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