Hello, it's me again (I wrote the essay on the mission to Tijuana, Mexico)
Anyway here it is.
The sight of a basketball sinking into the smooth net, sliding against the mesh is invigorating. I have become attached to basketball just before my freshman year of high school, and I actively involve myself in local basketball leagues ranging from school basketball playoffs to provincial church basketball competitions. I am usually asked to play the shooting guard position, which is not surprising. There is a basketball court in the park in the vicinity where I try out different forms of shooting to choose the most effective one of them. Typically, no one is usually there to face me on an intense game of one-on-one. So what else is there for me to do but shoot around from every part of the court? I relieve school stress by improving my shooting percentage daily. I am often accompanied by my brother who comments on my plays. I savor every moment it.
This is EXACTLY 150 words BTW ha.ha.ha.
I have become attached to basketball just before my freshman year of high school, and I actively involve myself in local basketball leagues ranging from school basketball playoffs to provincial church basketball competitions.
This is too wordy.
There is a basketball court in the park in the vicinity where I try out different forms of shooting to choose the most effective one of them.
Ditto.
With the words you save paring down those and other wordy sentences, say more about what it is about basketball that attracts you.
I will try my best to shorten it :D
I like the first one because you are making the reader stay in the basketball court with you. With the "I smile at these sights, feeling satisfied and accomplished. I savor every moment of touching that ball", makes me wonder what happens next. Makes me feel like I am in a game. But that is just my opinion.
Hope it helps!
ahhh I like the first draft a bit more. I agree with you.
I'd go with the first one. The ending is much stronger, especially since you don't want to waste any of your 150 words with unrelated topics, ie dinner.
I think the first one is better, and the ending sentence of the second one seems to be a digression to me.
The first one is better, though your ending in both versions seems to imply that what you want the reader to know about you is that you savor being dirty and sweaty, not necessarily the main point you want to make in an admissions essay.
"I have always been fond of such activities because they give me a chance to free myself from the onerous chores at home, and to indulge myself in what I love to do."
Is the comma in this sentence necessary?
I agree with everyone; the first is better. I also agree that the last sentence sounded more like you like the ball's dirt on your sweaty skin (I know what you meant).
"Next, with my left hand, I slowly caress and wipe the sweat off my glossy arm. I smile at these sights, feeling satisfied and accomplished. I savor every moment of touching that ball."
First ones better. The dinner thing on the second one is really random.
I agree with the rest. The first draft is better as the ending for the second i.e dinner is irrelevant.
Personally, I think you should leave out the part on the sweat and dirt.
I don't think I've made any connection between the sweat and dirt. :S I was just wondering why you think that way
I agree that the first one is better.
On a simple level, you made the connection by mentioning them in consecutive sentences, both in connection with your hands. The connection in the reader's mind is intuitive, though you didn't state it outright. It may also have a lot to do with reader memory.
That's the thing about writing. You are not the only supplier of information. Readers contribute to the meaning too.
EF_Stephen
Excellent! Yes, that is so true! I could not put my finger on what the matter was, but it was because my thoughts and feelings surrounding the last statement lent an entirely different emotional response to the words (sweaty, shiny, dirty...you get the drift). That is a brilliant epiphany for me as a >wannabeneverevergonnagetpaidtobe< writer, and I will remember that! Best thing I have learned in a while! Thanks!
Blue skies!
Jeannie
