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'I was elected captain of my cross country team' Extracurricular short answer

bellem1 6 / 12 2  
Nov 22, 2012   #1
Prompt: Discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved.

In the fall of 2012, I was elected captain of my cross country team, an honour that I hope I have been successful in wearing. We have always had amazing leaders, but those who were the captains my freshman year had a particularly strong influence on me, and one in particular continues to inspire me today. I could not have asked for a better role model for my first year on cross country than Bonny. She always went above and beyond to help everyone on the team improve, often putting others' improvement ahead of her own. It is because of her that I stuck with cross country, and I'm glad I did. My team is my second family, and I love them more than anything. In my junior year, I started thinking about qualities of a good captain, thinking that if I were fortunate enough to become one my senior year, I would be able to give back to the team that has given me so much. And along the same line, I might be able to help a shy new runner find their niche, just as Bonny helped me find mine.

I feel like this might not focus enough on the significance of cross country-any suggestions? Thanks in advance for any feedback!

Moe_cubed 1 / 2 1  
Nov 22, 2012   #2
Overall, I enjoyed your essay. It describes the importance of collaboration and its eventual reward. I like how it illustrates your change from a silent member to a vocal leader on the team. I feel that XC's significance to you was the leadership skills it instilled, as well as empathy for others. The only thing I would be mindful of is the capitalization of "junior" and "senior" year because the are time periods specific to you; thus, they should be capitalized. Other than semantics, it was a well-written essay!
Premed0 5 / 10 1  
Nov 23, 2012   #3
Emily, this essay is very neatly written and it is obvious that cross country has had an impact on you but I would recommend using more descriptive language to enliven the essay and really get your point across in a meaningful way. I hope descriptive language is self-explanatory but if not, I mean diction that is less generic and really shows emotion. I hope that helped XD!

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