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Emergency room; 'It was a usual morning in my house'


jsh0011 3 / 6 2  
Dec 27, 2013   #1
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

It was a usual morning in my house. I was getting ready for school; my mother was getting ready for work. We exchanged our everyday greetings, and I asked her how she was feeling since she looked paler than usual. She said it's one of her headache morning, therefore there's nothing I should be worried about. I was relaxed and almost completely forgot about her condition until I heard an ear-piercing scream from my mother's bedroom that night. I got out of my bed and went straight to see what is happening, and there she was, wailing and screaming painfully with her hands covering her head. She crawled and rolled on the bed, crying that someone was hammering her head. Panic crept upon me and my mind was filled with fear and confusion. I utterly didn't know how to respond. Who should I call and ask for help? There was no one to drive her to hospital since I only lived with my mother and although I had my permit, I didn't have any driving experience. I tried to alleviate her pain by giving medicines, but the agony in her eyes grew bigger and stronger.

I didn't have any other option but to call emergency. As I tell him my mother's condition and our address, my hands were shaking and soon my whole body was shaking. The ambulance came with the shattering sound of siren and carried my mother on a stretcher. I rode the front seat and as the ambulance moved on, I knew something was really wrong and I should be holding on to myself since my mother needed me the most in that moment. The nurses brought her to emergency room and I took care of the guardian's work, such as registering, paying, and looking for cab. As I went into the room, my heart sank by her haggard face, but I tried to look calm and strong so she can relax and depend on me. I didn't want to be as a burden but as a person who she can trust on.

We left hospital and I laid my mother down on her bed to go to pharmacy. As I opened our front door and took a step out of my house at dawn, I felt I had stepped out from childhood into the adulthood. That day I learned I had always depended on my mother that she will be there for me forever, but things can always change at any moment. I learned how to be strong and how to deal with situation that is hard to cope with. Although I never want this moment to reoccur, it gave me a sense of responsibility that instead of being a child, I should be an adult and a person that can be relied on.
an_nie 3 / 9 5  
Dec 27, 2013   #2
She said it's one of her headache morning , therefore there's nothing I should be worried about.

Since it was one of, morning should be plural: mornings

As I tell him my mother's condition and our address, my hands were shaking and soon my whole body was shaking.

"him" is vague, instead, try to make it a specific person such as someone at the hospital/ etc

The ambulance came with the shattering sound of siren and carried my mother on a stretcher.

The ambulance carried your mother? Do you mean someone in the ambulance car such as a nurse?

I rode the front seat

You rode "in" the front seat

I knew something was really wrong and I should be holding on to myself since my mother needed me the most in that moment.

The first impression I got when i read "I should be holding on to myself" was an actual physical move of like hugging yourself. If you're trying to communicate that you should be taking control of yourself or in control, you might want to rephrase it. This is just an opinion though, you don't have to change it if you feel your first wording was right.

I didn't want to be as a burden but as a person who she can trust on.

You can omit both "as"'s & I think who could be whom. You can also omit "on"

Overall, good essay and nice reflection at the end, I think you answered the prompt very well and was able to demonstrate clearly how this specific moment in your life matured you :)


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