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Emory Supplement: Favorite Amusement Park Ride


randompersonbob 1 / -  
Nov 27, 2011   #1
One of the hardest things I had to deal with in writing this essay was the 250 word limit; it feels I skimped on a lot of the detail on the second part of the prompt. Nonetheless, here is my first draft addressing the prompt "What is your favorite ride at the amusement park? How does this reflect your approach to life?"

______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________
Looking down from my height, I could see for miles around me, the people little more than pinpricks on the ground. I grit my teeth. This definitely looked better from the ground. But I have always been one to try everything firsthand, and see it through to the end no matter what. Not that I had a choice right now. My seat slowly easing to a halt, I hang suspended more than three hundred feet in the air. Feeling slightly nervous as I do before the beginning of any ride, I glance up at big blue letters suspended on the steel lattice: Supreme Scream. The person next to me is clearly terrified, slunk back into his seat. I do not disparage him for his attitude toward the ride; to each his own.

Suddenly I'm plummeting like a rock through the air, the wind and the ride's namesakes blasting into my ears. Then, suddenly grinding to a halt, I'm slowly climbing back up again. Then I plummet for another fifty feet. But no matter how fast or hard the fall, I always get back up.

My stomach heaves after a sudden stop following particularly nasty drop. Though I wish I could exert some control over the ride - to prevent any more plunges like that - I do not overly fret about things out of my control. So I sit back and enjoy the ride, through all its ups and downs.
phenotype 2 / 8  
Nov 27, 2011   #2
Looking down from my height, I could see the people below, even though there were only a little larger than pinpricks, for miles . I grit my teeth. This definitely looked better from the ground. But I have always been one to try everything firsthand, and see it through to the end no matter what , n ot that I had a choice right now. My seat slowly eases to a halt, as I hang suspended more than 300ft in the air. Feeling slightly nervous as I do before the beginning of any ride, I glance up at big blue letters suspended on the steel lattice: Supreme Scream. The person next to me is clearly terrified, slunk back into his seat. I do not disparage him for his attitude toward the ride; to each his own.

Suddenly I'm plummeting like a rock through the air, the wind and the ride's namesakes blasting into my ears. After grinding to a halt, I'm slowly climbing back up again. Then I plummet(different word, as you already used the work plummeting in this paragraph) for another fifty feet. But no matter how fast or hard the fall, I always get back up.

My stomach heaves after a sudden stop followed by a particularly nasty drop. Though I wish I could exert some control over the ride - to prevent any more plunges like that - I do not overly fret about things out of my control. So I sit back and enjoy the ride, through all its ups and downs.

This essay is well written and it does say a lot about you. I don't think you skimped on the details regarding the second half, and I especially like how the answer to the second half is more implicit, as it is shown and not told. This strengthens the last line, which I think is a very clever metaphor.

I tend to find it helpful when someone tells me what my essay reveals to them, that way I can add and/or take away as I see fit.

What is your favorite ride at an amusement park?
-Supreme Scream
-Roller Coaster
-Fast, tall, extreme rides

How does this reflect your approach to life?
-Always follow through
-Tries new things
-Brave
-Non judgemental
-Not a control freak
-Optimistic


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