'emulate every aspect of my mother' - UC Personal Statement: the world I come from

Prompt: describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community, or school, and tell us how your world shaped your dreams and aspirations

My response:
I went with my mother everywhere- the market, the post office, work. I was exposed to the world at an early age, and I took things in everywhere we went, observing it all. My family was a tightly circle of Chinese tradition that I found viable comfort in, regardless of how different I looked. A mix of Chinese, Spanish, French, and Latino, I was so many things that I did not look much of anything, but never struggled to identify with the national pride that they bled. They visited from Hong Kong every November, each visit filled with love and celebration. For December through October, my mother was the entirety of my family. My father was absent due to his record for domestic violence, alcoholism, and drug abuse. I watched my mother single handedly raise me, never truly appreciating it until one morning when I found her laying in the kitchen, weeping and shaking uncontrollably. At that time, I had no knowledge of what an anxiety attack was or why she was having one, but I writhed in pain when I felt the blood in her veins running cold.

Before then, I lived in my own six year old world of mildly corrupt marketing tactics, sneaking arbitrary things from around the house and selling them back to my mother for a hefty profit. "Buy low, sell high" was my mantra; I never thought twice about what financial hardship she dealt with as both a single parent and Chinese immigrant, or how she would more often than not skip a meal to be able to afford my nonsense. I was oblivious to the struggles she faced; I saw nothing to impede my endeavors, so I was always driven.

When I found her that morning, I discovered a capacity for empathy within myself. She had exposed me to so many of life's realities, yet to none of her own burdens. She was the only person in my life for eleven months a year, and I was hers. For the first time, I had seen the woman I idolized at her weakest point, beat down by life. I knew then that all she longed to do was set a good example, because she was the only one who could. She did just that, as I saw how much she had hidden behind her facade of security just to ensure my life was to the best she could provide for.

You are right that you centered too much on your mother. I was however, able to find a specific paragraph that we can use to describe the world that you came from that still includes the influence of your mother but not in a very major way. I have quoted the passage below:


You need to reword this portion to become the whole essay. Explain how your mother was the only relative you have always had and that you spent your time with her at the market. Then explain about how your exposure to the market with your mother exposed you to dirty marketing tactics and how you the reality that you cannot trust all people to treat you fairly and how that experience has been with you all your life.Explain how it affected your mindset and other aspects of your life as you were growing. Helping to shape and mold the person that you have become. Do you think you can work with this suggestion? I am sure we can strengthen it further once you make a new rough draft. Just make sure you have enough material to work with in case we need to add information to your paper :-)

Thank you! I have to keep this under 500 words, which is difficult for me, but I feel like I made a decent minor adjustment for now (an adjustment that will at least remind me to elaborate on it). I will continue to work on this issue until the deadline, but do you have any other suggestions as to how I could make this better? Here is the couple quick adjustments I made-

I spent every waking moment with my mother, home or at work. I was exposed to the world at an early age, and I took things in everywhere we went, observing. My family was a tightly circle of Chinese tradition that I found viable comfort in, regardless of how different I looked. A mix of Chinese, Spanish, French, and Latino, I was so many things that I did not look much of anything, but never struggled to identify with the national pride that they bled. They visited from Hong Kong every November, each visit filled with love and celebration. For December through October, my mother was the entirety of my family; my father was absent due to his record for domestic violence, alcoholism, and drug abuse. I watched my mother single handedly raise me, never truly appreciating it until one morning when I found her laying in the kitchen, weeping and shaking. At that time, I had no knowledge of what an anxiety attack was or why she was having one, but I writhed in pain when I felt the blood in her veins running cold.

Before then, I lived in my own six year old world of mildly premature marketing tactics that I learned by navigating eBay while my mother was working. She jumped office to office, notarizing documents and typing up reports. So after work, I would sneak arbitrary things from around the house and sell them back to my mother for a hefty profit. "Buy low, sell high" was my mantra; I never thought twice about what financial hardship she dealt with as a single parent, or how she would more often than not skip a meal to be able to afford my nonsense. I was oblivious to the struggles she faced; I saw nothing to impede my endeavors, so I was always driven.

When I found her that morning, I discovered a capacity for empathy within myself. She had exposed me to so many of life's realities, yet to none of her own burdens. She was the only person in my life for eleven months a year, and I was hers. For the first time, I had seen the woman I idolized at her weakest point, beat down by life. I knew then that all she longed to do was set a good example, because she was the only one who could. She did just that, as I saw how much she had hidden behind her facade of security to ensure my life was to the best she could provide for.

My mother taught me to appreciate the little joys in life, and to have heart because you never know what someone else is going through. I matured from that point on not because I had to, but because I wanted to- I wanted to emulate every aspect of my mother and I vowed to one day endow her with the same comfort, support, and security that she provided for me, all twelve months a year.

msi, the main problem we are facing here is that you are making your mother the focal point of your essay. You are totally missing the most important requirement of the prompt which is ;


You spoke of the world that your mother lived in. Not the world you lived in. If it is the darkness of your mother's anxiety attack that you want to concentrate on as the theme of this essay then you must relate that directly to your development as a person. Here are some guide questions that could help you develop the proper content for this paper, concentrating on you and your development as a person.

1. When you mother used to have attacks a child, what did you think was happening to her? Remember, you did not know she was having an anxiety attack yet.

2. What was your relationship with your mother like because of these attacks? Did you fear her? Love her? Pity her?
3. What could you do as a child to help your mother?
4. When he illness finally got a name, anxiety attacks, how did you feel?
5. How did you react to the diagnosis?
6. What adjustments did you have to make in your life so you could assist your mother?
7. If this event in your life is related to your choice of majors, you should relate this experience with the choice you made at this point.

8. What did you learn about yourself throughout this whole ordeal?
9. Looking back on everything that happened, how do you think those experiences helped to shape the person you have become?

I am trying to help you make this essay all about you while using your mother as an integral part of your development. Let's see if answering these questions in essay form will help you get closer to the prompt requirement :-)

Thank you, I will work on it this weekend. Also, why is it $7 to remove a thread? Just for the sake of people who come on the internet to plagiarize words and ideas alike, I would have thought a site like this where people can get help would have also allowed users to delete posts or at least edit them to make it less personal upon receiving advisement. And how does one come across a coupon code..?

I can't seem to find a coupon code anywhere on the internet, but I really wish this post could be deleted for like... not $7...