This will be my common app essay and I really want some feedback on whether or not I come across the essay and if I actually answered the question. Thank you, any comments are really appreciated :)
I always had the false impression that mothers were at the heart of everything their children desired to be. Through time I have learned that not all mothers are like my mother.
When my family migrated to this country, my mother had to leave her profession as a doctor behind and instead, she had to focus on taking care of my brother and me. More than an influence, my mother is the voice in my head that continuously reinforces the values of hard work and determination in order to succeed. I have inherited her same optimism and drive, as well as her love for her occupation.
With the best smile she could offer at the moment, my mother greeted her patient and began asking the most mundane of questions in the liveliest of manners. The first time I saw my mother's relationship with her patients, I knew that I wanted to take care of people with her same enthusiasm and love. As I continued going with her to work, I developed special relationships with many of her patients. One of those patients is the diabetic Ramona. Ramona, being an old lonely Cuban, always needs help with something or other and I am always there to provide that help. Every time I go to Ramona's house I reprogram the remote control, or translate her mail, or call the pharmacy for Ramona's prescriptions to be delivered. My mother's gentility had infused into my treatment of others and my aspirations to become a physician were no longer based on the trite ideology of a thirteen year old that wanted to have a nametag with the initials MD at the end of her name. Instead, they were for the compensations of appreciation and usefulness that come with a healthcare career.
As a twelve year old, I would sit down with my mother every night to help her translate her nursing books from English to Spanish. Soon, I was learning about diseases such as diabetes, Alzheimer's, hypertension, and Parkinson's. When high school came along, I knew I wanted to explore the science world in greater depth. Science and math came naturally to me, but the humanities always gave me more difficulty. But my mother always told me that desire to do well was not enough; I also needed to continuously work hard to be successful. I would tell my mother that English and I were never to be mixed but she kept drilling the importance of being well rounded. Her restricted English was no help when I had to analyze Julius Caesar, but her disappointment was enough motivation. I sat down with my literature book and I began reading. It was no scientific observation or algebra equation but I was determined to obtain a comprehensive understanding of Shakespeare's prose.
My mother's sacrifices are the permanent forces behind my achievements and future goals. I do not only want to thank her for her sacrifices, I want to show her that I am worthy of them. I want her to know that without her, I would not be the person I am, nor the person I aim to be.
First off, I think the first two sentences really provide no insight. You are talking about YOUR mother and how she has influenced you, not comparing her to others.
Also, I think it's Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.
"humanities always gave me more difficulty."
You also need a transition from the paragraph ending with shakespeare to the paragraph about your mom's work. It sounds really choppy.
"My mother's gentility had infused into my treatment of others and my aspirations to become a physician were no longer based on the trite ideology of a thirteen year old that wanted to have a nametag with the initials MD at the end of her name, instead they were for the compensations of appreciativeness and usefulness that come with a healthcare career." Fantastic sentence! however, break it up at "instead...". and appreciativeneness is not a word. =D Spellcheck is your friend.
Finally, I think you have the right idea. You do need to polish up grammar and put in smooth transitions so that it flows. Make it more about you. Hope this helped!
Thank you very much.
I was having a hard time coming up with an introduction so I just put that sentence there.
Yeah, I feel the same way about the transitions from paragraph to paragraph but I don't know how to connect them, I'll work on it though.
Appreciativeness came out as a word when I typed it into Word, I even looked it up because I thought the same. In either case I'll change it because it really doesn't sound/look like a real word.
Do you have any thoughts on the conclusion?
The hardest part is definitely making the essay about me, I don't know how many times I have changed my topic to include more of me into it, but for some reason it's not enough.
Thanks for the incite, I really appreciate it.
So I did a new intro, I am not sure how much insight it provides. I changed the order of the paragraphs, I think it flows much better now, but I still want to link them some way or another. I really want this essay to capture the deep appreciation I have towards my mother, and still have it be about me and how that deep appreciation has molded me into who I am today. I hope that somewhere along the lines, this is the message that is being conveyed. Thank you.
... my family migrated to this country, my mother had to leave behind her profession as a doctor physician and instead, she had to focus instead on taking care of my brother and me.
Use a comma for the compound sentence:
Ramona, being an old lonely Cuban, always needs help with something or other, and I am always there to provide that help.
hyphen: thirteen year-old that ...
twelve year-old
I do not only want to thank her for her sacrifices, I want to but also show her that I am worthy of them.
I like your approach, and I think the best way to make it a tribute to your mom but also about your aspiration is to discuss topics you learned about while translating for her and that you are NOW reading about with heightened perspective as you study with your own career in mind instead of hers.
:-)
