Ah, so I just finished two essays for the University of Virginia, and I've love some fine-tuning or even general comments on ideas I should add/remove. I really want to know if they make sense, and if they would tell the admissions officer enough about me!
[ prompt 1 ]
We are looking for passionate students to join our diverse community of scholars, researchers, and artists. Answer the question that corresponds to the school you selected above. Limit your answer to a half page or roughly 250 words.
Engineering: Discuss experiences that led you to choose an engineering education at U.Va. and the role that scientific curiosity plays in your life.
Splitting up Ampere's Law into four separate integrals to determine the magnetic field around a solenoid - easy, right? Each new problem my physics teacher introduces seems like an unsurpassable monolith to me, but they are nothing to him. With masterful strokes, he chips away at them with logic and basic equations until a solution presents itself from the rubble. I am always thoroughly intrigued by how the simple concepts he uses can solve such seemingly complex problems. Sitting at home, I struggle to figure out the same types of questions my teacher so elegantly solves in class, even armed with the same standard arsenal of equations.
But that's the beauty of a eureka moment. After long attempts at a problem, when it feels as if vectors of frustration are jabbing my gray matter into submission, I close my eyes. With time, the throbbing in my mind invariably subsides to clarity, and I wake up from my physics-induced coma with a start. Upon discovering a new angle to the problem, a rush of adrenaline courses through my body, and I quickly scribble down my thoughts. Suddenly, all of the elements fall into place. Eureka!
It is the sheer nerdy ecstasy of finding solutions that draws me to engineering. Presented with any problem, whether a textbook question or a real-world situation, I feel a relentless urge to find the answer. Even if I fail, each failure brings a new opportunity to learn. The University of Virginia's biomedical engineering program drew me in through its sheer dedication to integrating undergraduate research and design in both engineering and medicine, but after I chanced upon a collection of posters about discoveries made by the department, I knew I had to be part of a future team. The name of this series of posters?
"Eureka!"
(299 words)
(276 words)
[ prompt 2 ]
Answer one of the following questions in a half page or roughly 250 words:
Discuss something you secretly like but pretend not to, or vice versa.
My mother pulls up into the Home Depot parking lot, and I shudder at the disproportionate number of heavy-duty trucks in the spaces around me. I feel as if I'm entering an alternate dimension reeking of elbow grease, whereas my natural universe revolves around dainty watercolor brushes.
Trudging past the automatic doors, I drag my shoes on the slate-gray concrete floors while my mother urges me to walk faster. As a proud member of the female gender, I should turn up my nose at the endless rows of hardware, gag at the atmosphere of unfettered virility, and run screaming in the opposite direction, but something about Home Depot fascinates me.
It's beautiful.
Even out of my comfort zone, I tend to view the world around me as an artist. Home Depot serves as an unlikely muse, stocked with vast arrays of forms and surfaces. As we pass doorknobs and two-by-fours, I consider how to capture textures of metal and wood in graphite on paper. Walking past a display of paint cards, I quickly slip a few swatches of color into my pocket to paste in my sketchbook later for inspiration. I may not show any love for Home Depot's wares, but I still secretly appreciate the everyday beauty hidden behind its rugged veneer.
(213 words)
I'd be happy to read over your essays in return, although I'll be leaving my computer now for a bit. Thank you!
I get you are trying to emphasize eureka, but try using another word for it, especially in your new paragraph.
I know that studying engineering at the University of Virginia would streamline my future paths of discovery.
I know that studying physics at MIT would streamline my future paths of discovery.
see my point? you really don't provide anything special about U VA, I mean, this program HAS to have something that ESPECIALLY interest you right?
Prompt 2: magnificent. It's not only clever, but also very well written and UNIQUE. that's what all colleges want to see, why choose YOU over 1000 other applicants.
Overall, you have enviable writing style, but your first prompt doesn't quite hit the
passionate students to join our diverse community of scholars, researchers, and artists.
who truly show interest in that particular institution.
@yang: I can't thank you enough! I definitely agree with both of those suggestions for my first prompt.
I tried to be more specific in this draft and tie it into the school more, but I'm still not sure if it's enough. I think I need to cut down my first two paragraphs somehow, but a way to do that is sort of eluding me. I may just end up submitting as is.
hope you read this before submitting
With masterful strokes, he chips away at them with logic and basic equations until a solution presents itself from the rubble.
really, this sentence is just fluff. nicely written, but not your point.
if you take this out, the story flows with the same intensity as before (perhaps even more focused)
The University of Virginia's biomedical engineering program drew me in through its sheer dedication to integrating undergraduate research and design in both engineering and medicine,
NO! biomedical engineering DEFINITELY DOESN'T MEAN both engineering and medicine. Sorry to be so blatantly sarcastic, but why not do some research and ACTUALLY FIND SPECIFIC PROGRAMS THAT HIT THE SPOT?
Apart from this, very nice ending. The paragraph you dedicate to the school is enough to show your understanding of the program as long as you add some less generic statements.
I love your style of writing! It's expressive and vivid, especially your second essay.
I agree with Yang though, the first essay is just way too generic. Sort of like an afterthought. Like Yang said, you probably should research more about the engineering program you're interested in. Talk about the qualities of the program, go into one or two details, as much as your short word limit will allow.
But I completely empathise with your dilemma. I just wouldn't know where to cut! Where yang suggested would be a good start. If really necessary, you might want to brutally shorten one or two of your very descriptive sentences, especially in the first paragraph. I figure the focus of your essay would be about your eureka moment, which ties the whole essay together very nicely, so you might want to spend less words praising your teacher and describing how difficult the question is.
Thanks again, yang and izlong!
I absolutely gutted the first paragraph so I think I have a breathing space of about 50 words to be more specific about the program. And in all seriousness, I do appreciate the bluntness, yang. It definitely helps.
On their website they seemed to stress, "ABET recently cited BME's true dual culture in engineering and medicine, which is almost unique to UVa, as one of our particular program strengths" but perhaps I interpreted it wrong.
Will be editing some more tonight.
yea, find some unique stuff about them. Even if it's not unique, they'll be happy if they see that you actually went thru their website
And in all seriousness, I do appreciate the bluntness, yang. It definitely helps.
you're welcome, from my personal experience, I realized that shock, or bluntness, does make your point clearer and will influence your target into action. It all started when I got my own essay destroyed by my english teacher, who weirdly graduated from harvard... yea what a waste, i hope that when his kid grow older he'll go back doing some real stuff.
but good luck on your apps. you are a very strong writer and I'm sure you will do great wherever you go.
