Any and all criticism is welcome. Essay is 1574 characters, limit is 1800
Prompt:Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.
The sunlight plays across the water of Lake Sammamish, dancing through faint ripples that disrupt the reflection of the clear blue sky and the majestic snow-covered mountains in the distance. The striking scenery around me serves as a constant reminder of what I love: the parks where I volunteer, the mountains where I hike, the lakes and rivers where I row. My environment influences me, and through the Stanford experience, I hope to influence it in return.
Stanford's ongoing Green Dorm project unites my passions for sustainability and environmental research. The building is currently pending approval for construction. As a living space, this dorm will be the epitome of sustainable living, emitting no carbon and even producing excess energy. However, the Green Dorm transcends passive sustainability, as its inhabitants become part of an innovative approach to experimentation; researchers will monitor factors including electricity and water usage to find and test innovative solutions for sustainable design. I hope to pursue these engineering challenges, utilizing newfound learning to create and develop my ideas and shape them into practicality.
Stanford is the home of my college aspirations: I want to transform the Green Dorm from a plan to a reality. To work with my peers on late night projects. To explore paths around failure. To celebrate innovation. To learn. To experiment. To grow. I want to see the sunlight play across the water of a fountain at Stanford, sparkling under the clear blue sky, illuminating the place where I learned to make a change.
Hi Erin,
Great essay! I just take issue with the following:
Stanford is the home of my college aspirations: I want to transform the Green Dorm from a plan to a reality. To work with my peers on late night projects. To explore paths around failure. To celebrate innovation. To learn. To experiment. To grow. I want to see the sunlight play across the water of a fountain at Stanford, sparkling under the clear blue sky, illuminating the place where I learned to make a change.
-->I wonder if it would not be better if you were to separate the sentence fragments with semi-colons. It might read better and it will be better English. Otherwise, you have written a wonderful essay! Are you an engineer major?
--Mark :)
Thanks Mark,
I wasn't quite sure how to format that section, and I'm not an engineering major yet, but I certainly hope to be!
One more thing, does the middle paragraph sound too impersonal and disjointed from the rest of the essay?
Any comments would be appreciated!
Terrific job. I think you did a very good job with this. I think the second paragraph flows nicely and with the right touch of your personality. It is somewhat of a tight rope that you walk discussing engineering innovations with your personality...but I think you did a good job with it.
Love your essay! I think your idea is very inspiring. I just think you might explain more about why "the Green Dorm transcends passive sustainability". But it is a great essay overall.
This is great! You are focused and the goal is evident. If I had to give some sort of feedback, I'd maybe mention another aspect besides the eco-friendliness about Stanford that you really love. But I think it really is great as is. :) Good luck!
If you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback on my Common App essay! (And Lake Sammammish? I have a friend who lives by there. I live in Washington state too.) :)
