I enjoyed figuring out how things work; Carnegie Mellon / Why choose CMU?

Prompt:
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

I would appreciate any corrections and/or suggestions, specifically on how i can lengthen it by a paragraph or two.

Carnegie Mellon's excellent job placement, beautiful campus, and prestigious name are not the primary items that attract me to the school. I have a genuine interest in computers and I feel that Carnegie Mellon provides me with the best opportunity pursue my passions.

Although I don't have an enormous amount of experience with some of the technical sides of computers, from what I have learned about them I find many aspects of them to be fascinating. For example I am very interested in how they produce sounds and frequencies that can be used for a multitude of purposes from musical to medical purposes. Another intriguing area of computers is artificial intelligence and the mathematics behind it.

A second reason I am attracted to computer science is because I think it would be something outside of my career that I would enjoy using. It would be a productive and enjoyable "hobby" of sorts for me to do in my free time. With the internet's popularity and usefulness increasing at its current rate it could even become a significant source of income in the future.

A third and final reason I am interested in computer science is because it is an area of science that is quickly growing and advancing, and still has a lot more room for improvement. I hope that I can get into this field and be a significant part of these technological advances.

Carnegie Mellon has a reputation for scientific and medical innovations. From robots to viruses it is at the forefront of technology. This is a very important factor for me because most other universities do not have the resources and technology that CMU does. And in my college experience I want to be exposed to the higher end of modern technology because when I complete college I will be better equipped for post-graduate work.

I want to go to Carnegie Mellon for the academic and educational value and for the technological resources. However, the primary reason I want to go to Carnegie Mellon for computer science rather than another college or university is because I think it will push me more than others and because I don't want to never find out how far I could have gone in life because I settled for an easier option.

Great help by kd here, it's hard to follow. Here is a sentence to work with:
I researched colleges with this in mind and came across a multitude of average colleges where I could learn about them enough to get a job enroll in the necessary classes, but these colleges did not have the opportunities or the resources that I desired.

Maybe that is better?

Oh! For this essay, I definitely recomend trying the last paragraph as the intro. It is powerful. The powerful stuff needs to be at the beginning!!

I decided to just redo the whole thing so if anyone wouldn't mind proofreading it and giving me corrections and suggestions I would appreciate it.

No, no! Bad first sentence! (don't ever take offense when I say critical stuff).
That first sentence reflects conceit, shows you to be judgmental, elitist, very bad way to start. Can you see how it is not impressive to act so superior?

I know that is not what you meant; I know that "words are a difficult means of communication" (Mitose, 1981).

Right here... this can be your first sentence: Although I don't have an enormous amount of experience with some of the technical sides of computers, from what I ...

Everything before that is weak, too general... but remember, the fact that I am criticizing this essay does not mean you are a bad writer. We are different every day. Today, for me, is a day when I can't write well at all! I am having trouble explaining myself even right now.

But in this essay, you state the obvious too much: obviously college will be more challenging than high school, obviously you have to answer the question of "why this school," obviously computer science is a growing field. Tell them something they don't know!

:) I look forward to seeing the next draft. Read lots of essays here at essay forum, and you will get a lot of good ideas. Focus on showing them that you are resolute in your decision to master the principles of computer science -- and refer to some articles, name some professors at their school, and really make sure every sentence impresses them. Make sure they see that they would be doing the world a disservice if they denied you admission!

Will you post another draft?

i think you should go back and use the last sentence of your first essay. It really was powerful and if you don't use it, I will.

The sentences in the first essay were too short and too simple. But your second essay had a lot better sentences, good job.

Sorry it took so long for me to re-post this. I had a hectic week.

By the way, if it requests a one page, single spaced essay is 2/3 of a page okay?

Although I don't have an enormous amount of experience with some of the technical sides of computers, from what I have learned about them I find many aspects of them to be fascinating. That sentence does not really serve a purpose.

For example I am very interested in how computers produce...

Capitalize Internet.

I am not sure... I wonder what they consider a page to be. Maybe you should give a call to ask about formatting and word count, etc.