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'Ensuring to learn all that I can' - Reason for Transferring Statement


pandafrenzy 1 / 2  
Feb 28, 2009   #1
can someone please suggest me how to improve the essay? also what ultimately I am trying to say in this essay is that I want to transfer is for mainly for my family, although I seem to be lost with words to correctly portray it. I am not that good with grammar so if someone can help me proofread this that would be great.

Provide a statement that addresses your reason for transferring Essay:

There are many factors affecting my decision to transfer into a 4 year university furthering education, networking with like-minded students, developing skills for future career, and many others. Although there are many factors influencing my decision to transfer, the primary reason I have found to transfer is for myself and my family. For almost my entire life I was told that I have to reach M.B.A. Accreditation and that it is silly to think otherwise. Being born into a family that both mother and father earn their income through managing their own business, M.B.A. will without a doubt in their mind, become a great asset giving the business a long overdue professional management that my parents did not have the chance to learn. Having left our country and my parents' source of income, my two younger brothers and I have become their biggest "investment." By leaving, they had hoped for the best for their children, sacrificing their financial security for me and my brother's. Although I am to this day grateful for what they have done, I can not help but felt pressured as if my success in academic thus far serve as a measurement of whether my parents' 10 years self-sacrificing "investment" had been a fruitful one. With the expectation my parents have of me, along with the dependence my brothers have of me, I knew that all I can do is to try my best. I recalled a time when I was in 4th grade and my mother would talk about her business with me allowing me to give my opinions for her boutique. My mother came to me with a problem she had, mylar balloons that is although eye-catching and many kids were interested in them, was not selling well. I suggested to her, that perhaps if she would lower the price down, it would sell better. I remembered that my mother on the spot had asked one of her employee to change the price to what I had suggested, and to my surprise, the next afternoon she came back from work excited, she told me that the mylar balloons had been selling very well ever since my suggestion on reducing the price. Although it might have been a simple suggestion, the fact that she had listened to me and allowed me to participate, left a deep impression on me and help shape the desire I have today to pursue the business major. There are many occasions early in my life that looking back to it today had been the reason why I'd like to pursue business major, taking part in decision making of the family business, helping my mother decide what to buy during purchasing, and even taking part of hiring process for new employees with my dad. Although my parents always wanted M.B.A. from me, I had never wanted it more than I ever did than when I recalled that moment in my childhood. I realized that I truly enjoy the time I had spent with my parents while they were working, and if I can share that moment with my children in the future, I know that they will feel what I have felt during the time my parents and I spent together.

I hope to improve upon the business that my parents have built, to do so, I would need to transfer and earn my Bachelor's Degree in a prestigious college such as University of San Diego who is well known for their excellent faculty. Although I had previously placed work ahead of my education, I had since realized that I needed balance, striving for both scholastic knowledge and work experience that are both important for my future. I will dedicate day and night to my education not to strive for a letter grade or honor, but to ensure that I will learn all that I can during my time in University of San Diego. In University of San Diego I would not only be able to study the business field, but I would able to experience it first hand through internship, applying what I know through my studies into real world application. University of San Diego would be the college of my dreams because it would provide the close knit atmosphere shared by both the faculty and the students that I am looking for. University of San Diego has an exceptional reputation of academic excellence and outstanding student services that sets it apart from other universities, and I would be proud to be a student at University of San Diego.

Gautama 6 / 133  
Feb 28, 2009   #2
Is there a word limit for this? I'm not saying that you have to many words, I just like to define the terms.

This essay has a sort of generic feel to it. You talk about what most students do. (Helping family, desire to learn, developing skills, etc.) Give us something more specific. What is unique about your reasons for wanting an MBA? What about business specifically excites you? What influences outside your own family have helped you decide this path?

Also it would be a good idea to talk about the specific college you are trying to transfer to. What is it about this college that attracts you more than other colleges. Show them that you have done the research and are interested in specific programs that they offer.

Also you should separate this essay out into paragraphs with one main idea carefully organized in each of them.

Talking about your family will definitely be meaningful but as it stands it seems like the main reasons you want to pursue an MBA is for your brother's sake and because your parents told you to. Family is important but the college wants to hear about YOU and what excites YOU about business and why YOU have picked their university.
OP pandafrenzy 1 / 2  
Feb 28, 2009   #3
This is the revised essay taking into account how transferring is for me and my family.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 28, 2009   #4
I hope to improve upon the business that my parents have built.To do so, I would need to transfer and earn my Bachelor's Degree in a prestigious college such as University of San Diego, which is well known for their excellent faculty.

Although I had previously placed work ahead of my education, I have since realized that I needed balance, striving for both scholastic knowledge and work experience that are both important for my future.

I will dedicate day and night to my education, not to strive for a letter grade or honor, but to ensure that I will learn all that I can during my time at University of San Diego.

At University of San Diego I would not only be able to study the business field, but I would able to experience it first hand through internship, applying what I know through my studies into real world application. University of San Diego would be the college of my dreams because it would provide the close knit atmosphere shared by both the faculty and the students.that I am looking for. You already said "the college of your dreams".

University of San Diego has an exceptional reputation of academic excellence and outstanding student services that sets it apart from other universities, and I would be proud to be a student at University of San Diego.

This is pretty good, but do you have a word limit? If so, and you're was over, you could almost do this with just the last sentence!

Good luck!

:)
OP pandafrenzy 1 / 2  
Feb 28, 2009   #5
thank you for the help.


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