Below is my essay. Please comment on it, whether it should work or not. Also you may edit it if you wish to. Your help will be immensely appreciated!
Imagine looking thrugh a wiindow at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to around 300 words.
I do not need to imagine one; its already there on the left of my bed, big enough for me to see the world outside.
Right next to my home is a house where a dozen devils live, all children of course! They have become a part of my everyday life, courtesy to my dear window. Even the tiniest children out there wrestle along with older ones and shout at the top of their voices. All together, they represent chaos at its best.
Everyday after their school, they first argue on which game to play. Then, after an hour or two, with their clothes drenched in sweat and stained with mud, they disperse momentarily just to gather again after an hour. Then begins their usual chatting session, I being their permanent audience.
Unlike adults, they never lack interesting topics. And yes, they even talk about politics! A nine year old once stood up and shouted "I am the Superman. So better obey my orders!". Another boy refuted "I am Obama, more powerful than you and maybe even richer. Go back to your Krypton!". "How can you be Obama? Your live in a yellow house, not white!", interrupted someone from the group. Another then said in a pretentious manner "If you don't know anything about Obama or White House, better not discuss about it kids!".
At another time, the eldest of the girls whispered something to another girl who giggled in response. Slowly, all of the elder ones started to giggle and laugh. With my ear stuck to the window, I was trying to figure out what it was all about when I heard a boy reply in a preachy tone: "Sex is no big deal guys!"
To me, their conversations make perfect sense. They share among each other the wierdest or ideas. They giggle, laugh, shout, wrestle and all the time, grow together. A friend of mine said that I have become crazier these days. Another even called me abrupt and blunt. Maybe I should keep my random thoughts to myself. I try so, but every time I see those children live life without inhibitions, I become one of them. Maybe I have always been like them.
(Also please let me know if my essay sounds off-topic)
One point of writing essay is trying to put the image first to catch attention, then lead the reader to your story. I can see you trying to do that but u also need to get to the story sooner, that may be how you can trim it down to 300 words.
I do not need to imagine a window; it's already...
or...
I do not need to imagine a window; it is already...
Even the tiniest children out there wrestle along with older ones and shout at the top of their voices .----> I changed this so that it does not seem like you think of girls as helpless, etc.
With my ear stuck to the window, I was trying to figure out what it was all about when I heard a boy reply in a preachy tone: "Sex is not a big deal guys!"
All of them belong to very poor background. In ten rooms of that building, seven families exist. Every time a family ... all gather in the empty plot next to that building. For a while, they argue while deciding...
If you can cut out enough to make room, add more at the end about why it is meaningful to you.
I really enjoyed this one!!
Thanks EF_Kevin. I have tried to make it as short as possible but it still is 70 words more than the limit of 300. I tried to add on "why meaningful" part but then I had no space to add more. HOPE its satisfactory enough. PLEASE DO COMMENT!!
Returning the favor (=
Right next to my home is a house where a dozen devils live, all children of course! -> Nice description, but your use of devil may not resound well w/ whoever reads it. Maybe replace it with...rascal?
Then, after an hour or two, with their clothes drenched in sweat and stained with mud, they disperse momentarily justonly to gather again after an hour.
Hmm, I think you need more about the how it's meaningful to you part. You talk about them not having inhibitions..and thats why it's meaningful to you. If that's the case, you could probably cut out the paragraph about obama, and maybe use another shorter exampe like the sex one (since that example is more related to being open and not inhibiting yourself). If you also cut this "Everyday after their school...after an hour." you'll have more room to talk about why this scene is important to you, and your essay will be neater/more on topic.
i like the way you interpreted this prompt. its really asking to show your creativity and you did that
really capitalize on the importance of this scene to you. thats where the college sees why you wrote this topic and what makes you intrigued and engaged.
A friend of mine said that I have become crazier these days. Another even called me abrupt and blunt. try not to sound too negative about yourself. maybe say... a friend of mine described me in a similar way to these children: random, silly, and naive. Maybe I am like these kids...
and then go on to talk about the meaningfulness of the scene.
its better to always be positive, even the slightest indication of negativity can make you sound arrogant, pessimistic or sarcastic. no admission officer is going to want to admit a pessimist
Thanks for the suggestions..
mmmargarita: I got your point but I can't think of anything better for now. I am stuck.
anhammond: I will work on that one. Your post was really helpful. :)
thanks for editing my essay :)
i also really like yours! It's very descriptive and really lets me in on what you're seeing and experiencing.
just some minor edits:
Everyday after their school [their school sounds a bit awkward]
A nine year old once stood up and shouted, "I am the Superman. So better obey my orders!". Another boy refuted, "I am Obama, more powerful than you and maybe even richer. Go back to your Krypton!". [...] Another then said in a pretentious manner, "If you don't know anything [...]
They share among each other the wierdest or ideas
They giggle, laugh, shout, wrestle and all the time , grow together.
They giggle, laugh, shout, wrestle and all the time, grow together. A friend of mine said that I have become crazier these days. --> maybe you can insert another sentence between these two that allows for a smoother transition. Something about how these kids rubbed off on you that made you more like them, and then have the sentence about your friend remarking on you becoming crazier.
I try so [...]
this is creative, but as a reader, i dont know what to make of it. Your last like is the first one where you jump to any real kind of conclusions, if i were you i would try relating myself as i am right now to those kids, and what that relationship and the significance of the meaning of being like those kids was. Also, if you are looking for more space i would get rid of the paragraph about adults, i think you do a good enough job of getting your point across w/ the prevous para, i dont think the adult one does alot to enhance the essay. Still, your on the right track, this is a unique prompt so it is harder to make judgement on what an answer should say like for ex. school supplements should say why you want to go to that school w/ specific characteristics of the school, there isn't really any preedent like that, but i still think it has to be about you and how this story relates to you and possibly your development. IF you get a chance, could you look at my essay? Thanks alot, good luck.
You need to trim your essay a bit
otherwise I think its quite nice.
Well... it is certainly interesting.
Honestly, I like the essay as it is (except for some edits that people already pointed out). You take a quite original stance and did great with the prompt!
Just a couple general things... I can see what you're trying to do in your last paragraph, but you shouldn't openly criticize yourself in a college essay, even if you're trying to be modest. Also, your very last sentence is unnecessary. You already conveyed the fact that you are like those children in some respects and your second-to-last sentence is conclusive enough.
You can cut out some parts of your second paragraph (about them playing in the mud/wrestling each other/whatever else). Then you can add in more things about why the scene was meaningful to you at the end.
This is about all I need to add. Other than this, your essay is very good!
Guys, thanks for all the comment.
I have another response to this prompt that I used last year. I am confused to what I should do. Whether use the new one or use this one below. Please comment and suggest.
There was no window as such. Still, I would love to imagine a big frame in front
of my eyes through which I would have captured the scene that would remain etched
in my memory forever. A house stood there with its height as high as the sky. No
need to peek through the window for I could see everything from the outside itself. Each brick of that house seemed to have a unique shape and appeared as if each was coloured wih a purpose, one as black as coal while another as deep as blood. Near the door sat a boy wearing a multi-colored coat piling up one brick after another to build a castle of his own. To complement the entire picture, a beautiful creature sat just above the door basking in the sun, with its eyes twinkling and body shining. No, not a dove, it was a crow. The whole scene looked so still yet it had a pace of its own. Now I would not like to spoil the beauty of that scene by telling the truth; yet I must confess that it was the site of a bomb blast.
Few months back, I had gone to Dang, a remote district of Nepal which was one of the major combat zones during the decade long Maoist insurgency in which thousands of people were killed and millions injured and displaced. Everyone gets horrified by the terror of a bomb blast and in the place I was talking about, at least a dozen were killed in the explosion and all the houses had entirely collapsed. Only one house was erect, that too without its ceiling and a large part of its front wall intact.
That house was special for it was the only one that could resist all the forces, be it the power of an explosion or the force of nature. In a place where no dove loves to hover around, a crow picked that house to sit and contemplate about its future. The poor child chose the fallen bricks of the same ruined house to build his tiny castle. In the midst of despair, that house stood like a glimmer of hope to the crow, the boy and to me. Indeed, this is what I call the real beauty, one that has the power to inspire hope in our soul and spirit. In that site of terror, I found hope for the days ahead.
I personally liked your first one better. Not that this one is bad, but the first one is much simpler and conveys a sense of fun. I guess serious essays can work for these prompts, but I would not recommend it. Williams probably gets so many essays on tragic events, deaths/divorces in the family, or whatever else that may not be so uplifting. And your first essay says more about you. I feel like you wrote too much about the scene in this essay and not enough about you. Even in your first essay, you don't have much about you, but you do devote at least a paragraph to explain the scene's significance to you and how it influences you.
Again, this is only my opinion. Which one to choose is your call. They're both solid essays. Good luck!
Perhaps you can condense that first para to one sentence and combine it with paragraph #2. You'll need to add your thesis statement to para #2, and that way you will knoc off those 60 extra words...
Thanks everyone! This is best I can come up with. Due to word limits, I could not elaborate on the last part much. Some more reviews and comments would be really helpful.
I like the first one better! I think it's very original. Your approach is intellectual yet fun. I think you can cut down on the second paragraph because it is not directly linked to what you are trying to tell the comm about yourself.
This may have been said before, but it doesn't talk much about you until the very end. The prompt says to "reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you." You reflected on the scene very very well, but I don't feel like you got across why it's meaningful to you.
Good luck!!!
