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'being environmental friendly' - St. John personal statement essay

awesomemo 2 / 5  
Dec 28, 2011   #1
Hi to anyone who read my essay, I know I dont really have a solid conclusion and can someone check over my grammatical errors please. Thank you! I am open to any advices on how to make this better!

Prompt: What motivates you? We'd like to know what activities you really enjoy. Do they tie in with any career goals? Have you won any awards or honors?

Most people would say that their family and friends are the woods that kindle their motivation to pursuit their future career because they are always going to be there in some way. I mean, I don't want to say that my family and friends aren't my motivation but personally I believe that they can only attempt to convince me to see their way and advising me to what they believe is the best for my future. Only I, myself can motivated me into keep going on a hard tests, obstacles, decisions, and to stay strong on pursuing a good career. My family and friends are the extra supports reminding me my position in my family but they are whom I thanked when I received awards and honors.

My career goals are involving being environmental friendly as a mindset and fuel the future with 99.99% clean air and strictly fueling cars with biofuels. Yes, ethanol is a biofuel but with the biased from my participant in a two and a half research done at Rice University, I prefer ethanol's sibling, butanol. I done two science fair projects about it and it landed me with a bronze medal in International Sustainable World Energy, Engineering, and Environment Project Olympiad (I-SWEEP) under the category Energy.

Strawberry78 4 / 52  
Dec 28, 2011   #2
In your essay you come across as you yourself do not need help from anyone, but if they give it to you, you might mention them if you receive an honor. Try say "Even though I possess a very high volume of self-motivation, my family and friends have been that extra support and care I need to keep me going to purse my dreams." Your first and second paragraphs do not flow well with each other. Try finding a smooth transition. Good luck.
OP awesomemo 2 / 5  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
Thank you! I like that revision and yeah I'm working on the transition sentence. :)

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