First draft of my QB biographical essay. It's very rough right now, and I still have like 150 more words to play with, so I have room for improvement in terms of elaboration and description. Any criticism, correction, or suggestion is appreciated!
Thirty-one different ice cream flavors available at Baskin Robbins. Fifteen different items on the dollar menu. Ten different restaurants offering a dollar menu. Coke, Pepsi, or Dr. Pepper? Wait, Coke Zero, Diet Coke, or the classic Coke?
Options are readily available in American society. At times, we're even bombarded with options. Freedom of choice is an inherent concept in America; it's so prevalent, in fact, that it can be for granted. As Americans, we're entitled to our freedom of choice, and society caters to that freedom. But while the freedom is always available, the reality is that for some the options do not always accompany it. Just imagine being limited to eating cheese slices and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast and lunch every day. Now expand that limited scope of options to scenarios and situations with a greater deal of importance (LIFE). Would it cause you to become jaded and resentful or would it result in a more efficient use of options that are available? It's a tough hypothetical to consider, but it's an even tougher hypothetical to endure. And my life can be characterized by this hypothetical.
During my first few weeks in America, my breakfast and lunch consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along with cheese slices. On my second morning in the States, before the sun was even up, a job agent, who was an acquaintance of the person that brought my family to Rome, Georgia, knocked on our apartment door and informed my parents of a job opportunity at a chicken processing plant. My parents had to immediately seize the opportunity and began working that very morning, which left my brother, seventeen at the time, and I to fend for ourselves in the mornings and afternoon until we were enrolled in school. Thus, my journey in American began with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As life continued, my choices did not expand much. I was limited to Salvation Army clothing, sleeping in my parent's bedroom, and attending school in one of the more impoverished districts. My limited choices were not just within a materialistic realm, though. My elementary school did not offer gifted classes, so I began to create options for myself. My parents and I decided that I needed to move to a better endowed school that did offer gifted classes. In the third grade, I moved to a new school, which was out of my district, but that thanks to my high grades, I was allowed to attend. In school, I thrived, as I was quickly accepted into the gifted program. Attending a school in an affluent district also made me aware of the stark contrast between my socioeconomic condition and that of my new classmates. Even early on, I realized I did not have the same options and opportunities as my classmates. I wasn't able to attend the 4H camps, the educational trips around the state of Georgia, or even some of the Gifted field trips. Nevertheless, I didn't allow what I missed out on affect the opportunities I did have at my disposal, so I continued to excel in school. In an environment with limited options, I had to be efficient with the options I did have. While I did not have tutors or a parent that could be at home in the afternoons to help me with homework, in school, the playing field was level. I had access to the same teachers and curriculum as my peers, but I had to do more with it. The lack of options in my life also helped mold my mindset and personality. In relation to success, I've developed tunnel vision; I only envision myself excelling in everything I do, and the light at the end of the tunnel is personal success. Not succeeding has never been an option.
Oh, yeah, and I'm trying to find a way to allude to the PB&J without being cheesy or cliche.
Coke, Pepsi, or Dr. Pepper? Wait, Coke Zero, Diet Coke, or the classic Coke?---I like how you began your essay!
... it's so prevalent, in fact, that it can be taken for granted.
But while the freedom is always available, the reality is that for some, the options do not always accompany it.
It's a tough hypothetical question to consider, but it's an even tougher hypothetical to endure.
I could hardly find anything to fix in your essay, it's great! Good luck in school and have fun!
:)
thank you very much! i've had trouble getting feedback on this one haha.
Here's my 2nd draft -- I have until Friday, but really, I'd like to submit my application by tomorrow!
Thirty-one different ice cream flavors available at Baskin Robbins. Fifteen different items on the dollar menu. Ten different restaurants offering a dollar menu. Coke, Pepsi, or Dr. Pepper? Wait, Coke Zero, Diet Coke, or classic Coke?
Options are readily available in American society. At times, we're even bombarded with options. Freedom of choice is an inherent concept in America; it's so prevalent, in fact, that it can be taken for granted. As Americans, we're entitled to our freedom of choice, and society caters to that freedom. But while the freedom is always available, the reality is that for some the options do not always coincide. Just imagine being limited to eating cheese slices and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast and lunch every day. Now expand that limited scope of options to scenarios and situations with a greater deal of importance (LIFE). Would it cause you to become jaded and resentful or would it result in a more efficient use of options that are available? It's a tough hypothetical question to consider, but it's an even tougher hypothetical to endure. And my life can be characterized by this hypothetical.
During my first few weeks in America, my breakfast and lunch consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along with cheese slices. On my second morning in the States, before the sun was even up, a job agent, who was an acquaintance of the person that brought my family to Rome, Georgia, knocked on our apartment door and informed my parents of a job opportunity at a chicken processing plant. My parents had to immediately seize the opportunity and began working that very morning, which left my brother, seventeen at the time, and I to fend for ourselves in the mornings and afternoon until we were enrolled in school. Thus, my journey in American began with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
As life continued, my choices didn't expand much. I was limited to Salvation Army clothing, sleeping in my parent's bedroom, and attending school in one of the more impoverished districts. My limited choices were not just within a materialistic realm, though. My elementary school did not offer gifted classes, so I began to create options for myself. My parents and I decided that I needed to move to a better endowed school that did offer gifted classes. In the third grade, I moved to a new school, which was out of my district, but that thanks to my high grades, I was allowed to attend. In school, I thrived, as I was quickly accepted into the gifted program. Meanwhile, by attending a school in an affluent district I became aware of the stark contrast between my socioeconomic condition and that of my new classmates. Even early on, I realized I did not have the same options and opportunities as my classmates. I wasn't able to attend the 4H camps, the educational trips around the state of Georgia, or even some of the gifted field trips. Nevertheless, I didn't allow what I missed out on affect the opportunities I did have at my disposal. In an environment with limited options, I had to be efficient with the options I did have. While I did not have tutors or parents that were able to be present at home in the afternoons to help me with homework, in school, the playing field was level. I had access to the same teachers and curriculum as my peers, but I had to do more with it. Furthermore, my family served as a rock solid support system; while I did not have the same financial advantages of my classmates, my parents, both in unison and separately after they divorced, and my two older brothers provided invaluable emotional and psychological support. While I did not have the tangible advantages of my peers, I did have the intangible resources, provided by a loving and caring family; it was this juxtaposition between the tangible and intangible that taught me early on that money isn't a determinant of a human being's value. It doesn't mean I don't value the material, but it does mean I learned to distinguish between what is essential - family, love, personality, and attitude - and what is complementary.
The lack of options in my life also helped mold my mindset and personality. In the same manner that I didn't consider luxuries, such as expensive clothing or having my own personal space, to be an option when I was younger, I don't currently consider not succeeding to be an option. I've developed tunnel vision, where personal success is the light at the end of my tunnel. I never had to discuss with my parents whether or not I was attending college, and they never had to encourage me to achieve high honor, as within the confines of my mind, I'm not subject to the same options as others. When I pull up to the drive through, I know what I'll be getting.
