I unfortunately had to spend my freshman year in a Dallas suburb i really hated because my mom was in the process of marrying my step dad and he lived there, and i didn't make it into the arts magnet high school i desired due to being out of district (waiting list). Even though i didn't like anyone there (and retained no friends to this day) I still worked hard at my musical craft, showing up for all marching band events i hated, (I was a pit percussionist with a bunch of people who sucked because i never got to audition), learning complicated pieces for solo & ensemble (this was better, as it challenged me) and eventually re auditioning for the magnet school and making it. However, i have a feeling that it may too condescending, as i write about the vast conformity of all the kids there and their stupid name brands and elitist attitudes, I wouldn't want to offend someone affiliated with this sort of thing.. But could it equally be a great tool to showing myself as an individual, and hard worker? This is the most personal and real topic/challenge I could think of. I even started with an intense, metaphoric action sequence (not complete, just a rough draft)
(First sentence will definitely be changed, just had no idea what to put)
I ran, I swam so far away. Every stroke away from their specious establishment ironically brought new energy, the crawling shoreline ahead brought new hope. The islanders were enraged, they shot harpoons, chucked spears, and even waded in after me, their Abercrombie loincloths sloshing beneath them. The hooks of Abercrombie bay... [..]
... had saved my life again from these viscous creatures, kissed it, and fled with all my might, spears lining my hurried footprints. Of course, the moving truck would come for my things the next day.
(i will later explain the letter from Dr. Isd as my acceptance later, any other creative ideas of how to express this?)
So, honest opinions, is this essay appropriate?
Prompt is: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
(for the common app by the way)
Thanks!
Also, I'm a lousy student and this is due today.. so please help, with urgency!
Thanks again!
I think you are way off...the essay prompt is more about writing about a raw and real experience, but you are working on a metaphoric and poetic interpretation of what you experienced. Case in point, you should not have to write an explanation that is equal in length to what your essay will cover.
Advice:
Keep it simple, honest, and stay on topic.
Maybe you should analyze yourself and how your views of your peers may have limited your own personal growth. Sure, they may have looked all the same, or maybe you are more talented or have more experience, but walling yourself off from your peers ends up stunting your own experiences and limits your growth.
yeah, this definitely needs a lot of work.. I've pretty much scrapped the first paragraph, i might have a shorter version of the escape and victory and ticket, but the spear thing doesnt make too much sense, it just played out better in my mind.
Also, i guess it's hard to write of the kids without a little resent, this is just really engraved in my mind as the worst year of my life so it's hard not too.. And overall the essay is about my growth as a musician, even though i started out as the lowest level percussionist for marching band (auxilary percussionist in the pit) i showed up to rehearsal every day with people i didn't get along with or relate to, and eventually worked my way into the top ensemble and at the end of the year got an award for "outstanding musician".
All in all, i guess just lighten it up a little lol.
thanks for the advice, i was definitely on the wrong track.
here's what i have after the current intro, which will be changed, so you kind of get an idea of what i'm going for. all of this will be heavily edited, of course
In actuality, any of the "spear-chuckers" described really didn't care I was leaving. The struggle described, however, is proportional to the one I overcame leaving Abercrombie bay. Preceding this event, I could only describe my life as a whirlpool of social misery. To put it simply, I didn't "fit in" where conformity was the first unspoken rule. Abercrombie and Ed Hardy were a social "currency", and a lack of both instantly deemed you different. Imagine what they thought of a new, feeble freshman with long, blonde hair and an eccentric personality. I was cast into a completely new city, district, and school for my freshman year, the few transient friends I made were the "weird kids." but the creeping fact that I was nothing like the thousands of sycophants around me made my discomfort grow to self-reliance, and eventually complete seclusion. This seclusion from the world around me, however, only made my passion burn stronger.
By the second 9 weeks, I was already a marching band zombie, trained to show up promptly at 7 am for my borderline useless part (a gong roll) and eventually sleep became an unnecessary luxury. Drum line rehearsals were after school as well, and the football games every Friday didn't make things any easier.
(i'm about to get into my persistence and work, the good part)
What are the positives that you can take away from your experience? I am willing to bet that you learned quite a bit about life. For example, experiencing something unpleasant is short term, and that pushing through and trying out best allows us to control our own destinies...staying positive is key. Something to that nature maybe...I think you should keep writing about this experience and maybe share about your struggles and what you were able to take away and apply for future experiences. BOL!
Every stroke away from the superficial establishment brought new energy, the crawling shoreline ahead brought new hope. Waves crashed from every direction, testing everything I held on to and straining every ounce of might I had. My personality, my pride, and even my happiness were all torn away by this monstrous sea. I finally sprawled onto the sand of that beautiful bay and exhaled the deepest sigh of relief to ever escape my lungs. I reached in my pocket and yanked out a wet piece of paper, my golden ticket, my letter of glory from my very dream school that denied me the year before. **Everything I had worked for, finally tangible, finally meaningful***. I escaped.
***need help on this sentence***
So I didn't really swim to my new home and life, but I struggled through harsh waters to get there. In the year preceding this event, I could only describe my life as a whirlpool of social misery.
and this is the transition i have, trying to perfect it.. like the intro better?
