Escaping the labyrinth-college application essay

Instead of using a topic given by UChicago, I decided to make up a topic of my own.

My prompt:

"You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."-John Green, 'Looking For Alaska'

My response:

Our entire school career, we spend our free time learning new skills, participating in various school activities and studying hard to create the perfect college application résumé that will make every Department Of Undergraduate Admissions swoon. Some people are really great in studies and are in every Honor and AP class there is, some kill it in organized sports while others excel in arts. There are several Einsteins, Serena Williamses and Edgar Degases in every school's every batch. We start piano lessons and ballet classes from the time we were six so that we can make to our dream college and have the best experience of our lives.

I am not a superstar when it comes to studies; I might be in the top 10 percentile in my class but I am not going to be invited to join Mensa any time soon. I lack the general enthusiasm and hand-eye coordination required to make it to my school's football or basketball team and while I can play the basics on a guitar, no one is going to beg me to join their band because of my immense "skills". But the one thing that I, and almost every single person on this planet, am actually good at is dreaming for a wonderful and colorful and just plain awesome future for myself. I have all these great plans of getting out of my hometown and going to a great college where everything in my life will fall into places. I imagine that I will step foot on the campus and suddenly everything will burst with colors and the reprised version of 'When Will My Life Begin' from Tangled will start playing in the background and all my dreams finally attain fruition. My life will start making sense and I will finally find my place in this world.

You see, I have plans for my life, huge plans. I have my entire life mapped out. I know which college I want to get into, where I want to go for medical school, where I want to do my surgical residency and what my specialty will be. And that is what keeps me going. I like to have plans, be in control of any and every situation I find myself in and be prepared (at least when it comes to dare devil-ish events like being a passenger in a car that is going more than 100 mph).

People have plans. That is what people do. They have plans and those plans keep them going. Their dreams for tomorrow gives them hope to keep on holding today. And I am pretty sure that is why we have bucket lists. Our bucket lists are our plans for the future. But we never really strike out everything on it unless we have a terminal disease and only a few months left in the land of living (we have learnt in chemistry that there are exceptions to everything so please don't be personally offended if you have).

Our entire lives we just keep hoping for a better tomorrow. We plan our lives but we never really live them. We use our seemingly bright future to escape our cloudy present. And in doing so, we forget that we are the suns of our own lives. We are the ones who have the choice of making our present cloudier than it is by imagining an even brighter future. We close off all the exits from the labyrinth that is life and therein lays our greatest skill.

So for my special skill or the ability that is going to set me apart from all the Einsteins, Serena Williamses and Edgar Degases that are going to be applying to this prestigious university this year, I would like to put down 'expert weatherwoman for I excel in making my present life seem cloudy and bleak'.

I am really looking forward to the amazing and constructive feedback by the users of this site and I hope that by the time I have to actually submit this essay, it will be pretty good.

I can help assist you with your essay. I will give you some feedback on your writing.

1st paragraph: I would delete the word resume because it makes it is similar to applying for a job. Application is a better word to use because it shows you are continuing your education. This should read: "Department of Undergraduate Admissions". The word "of" should be lowercase. I think the transition from discussing the college application to being good in school and sports needs some work. You could use a transition such as: "For example". Here is an example of how you could make that transition: For example, some students have excelled academically and have taken every honor and AP class there is. Others excel at organized sports, while others excel in arts." This is just an example so you begin to think how you can incorporate what you want to say so that the reader can understand your essay better. I would also use another term for "every batch" such as graduating class. Also, when you read your essay, make sure there are no missing words. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, place "it" after make.

2nd paragraph: Here is my suggestion to change this sentence in the second paragraph: "Yet, the one thing that I'm actually good at is dreaming of an awesome future for myself."

3rd paragraph: "Nevertheless, I have huge plans for my life." I want to suggest that you use more transition words. I replaced the beginning of your sentences with "Yet and Nevertheless" because it makes it more clear to the reader. Sometimes using the right transition words makes your paper easier to read because the reader will know if you are changing topics or have a different idea you will discuss. "And that is what keeps me going." Personally, I would avoid using "and or but" at the beginning of sentences. Sometimes it can make your sentence sound incomplete. You want to avoid this when you write an essay. A simple way to change this sentence is to delete "and". Now your sentence will read: "That is what keeps me going". Delete what is in parenthesis at the end of the sentence. This could deter admissions from considering your application. There could be a wrong perception of your character because of this statement.

4th paragraph: I think you have a good grasp on how to change "And or but" at the beginning of a sentence. However, I think you should also delete what is in parenthesis at the end of this paragraph.

5th paragraph: You use the term cloudier and then bright future. I think you mean sunnier. You use the term "therein lays" I think you mean "therein lies".

6th paragraph: If this statement is not a quote, I would change it to "less cloudy or bleak" or just end with "as bright as the sun" or "brighter". These are words you can use to help the reader to understand your viewpoint better.