Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
My essay is currently about a paragraph too long. I need help shortening and making it more concise. Problem is, I don't know what to cut out. It would be great if you could tell me if I am answering the prompt well enough and check for any awkward wordings or unnecessary parts for me to remove. Thank you so much, and I will surely review your essay in return (just let me know!):
It is 2am. The snoring of my parents heard through my paper-thin walls tempts me to sleep, but I refuse to put down my pencil. My teacher had warned my class that the assignment would not be easy and it was not. It was so difficult, in fact, that all of my classmates had already given up hours ago, but I saw this assignment as a challenge - a test of my analytical abilities. I longed for the euphoric sensation one receives after solving a difficult problem. And so, I happily continue slaving away into the night.
As a student whose academic strengths are highlighted by science and mathematics, I am constantly questioning things and looking for answers. Though the Mellon College of Science may seem most suitable for my desire to discover and understand the scientific processes of the world, I believe that the Carnegie Institute of Technology would in fact be more favorable.
In and out of school, I am constantly working with what I see as "puzzles". Even things that seem as far away from engineering as possible, such as running my school's newspaper, develop applicable skills. Organizing and creating each issue especially tests my problem solving skills. Placing articles is not as simple as copying and pasting them into a blank template. I must keep track of the word count of each article and how many columns each translate into. Photos also require space and their dimensions must be adjusted accordingly without the loss of photo clarity. Other details such as the title, photo credit, and font also play a part in the decisions I must make. Together, these parts that make up the whole act as pieces to a puzzle with each item having its own unique shape and space it fills.
Engineering to me, however, is more than just dealing with numbers and solving puzzles; it is an opportunity for me to apply what I have learned to help others and their communities. While some people choose their majors based off the paychecks they hope to earn, I choose to become an engineer because I want to improve people's lives.
Computer science has always been a keen interest of mine as well. Growing up, I was engrossed by computer games. Frequent exposure to computers allowed me to quickly learn many of the basics. Praised by my parents as the "computer genius" of the family, I was always the one they called on when their computers got viruses or the internet disconnected. I admit I am no professional, but I have the capacity to learn.
Taking both the introductory and AP level computer science courses in school also broadened my understanding of computers. Programming was a new way of thinking to me and I fell in love with it. What fascinated me the most about programming is how something so simple, such as finding the area and perimeter of a triangle, became more complicated when having to program a computer to do it. Programming forced me to analyze and break down steps that would normally be instinctual for me and translate them into code. I greatly enjoy this approach in thinking and it is definitely something I wish to continue during my time at CMU.
Now that my interests and aspirations have been made clear, the question that lies before me is, "why Carnegie?" Unlike many other universities, CMU has one of the most flexible engineering curriculums. With first year engineers able to take introductory courses in different areas of study, I will be able to have a larger perspective on available engineering programs. This is perfect for me since I do not wish to be tied down to a single major from day one.
Traveling is also one of my greatest enjoyments which makes CMU's study abroad program a great match for my interests. With similar engineering problems to be found all over the world, I believe it is necessary to gain a worldly perspective to avoid being limited by one view.
Besides engineering, music has also been a passion of mine since I first started piano. Having taken piano and violin lessons for three and four years respectively along with being self-taught the guitar, ukulele, and drums, I do not wish to stop my musical studies. Though I may not major in music, I enjoy the thought of being able to take classes at CMU's talented music department.
Finally, CMU has something that not every university offers - a close-knit community of hardworking students who are known to work collaboratively while having fun at the same time. As someone who favors teamwork over individual work, CMU's collaborative environment is exactly what I am looking for. From its excellent academics to its crazy buggie-riding Spring Carnival, I can think of no better fit for me than CMU.
Ok, overall this is a great essay and answers the questions. Since you say you are above the limit I'll just make a few suggestions (again that's just my opinion)
I like the first paragraph, "It was so difficult, in fact, that all of my classmates had already given up hours ago, but I saw this assignment as a challenge..." Maybe, have a full stop before "but" or try another way of connecting the sentences.
"Though the Mellon College of Science may seem most suitable for my desire to discover and understand the scientific processes of the world, I believe that the Carnegie Institute of Technology would in fact be more favorable."
I think this is an important issue to talk about. However, you would probably have to back up this statement as a 'science vs engineering' which should take more space. So I would either not mention it at all, or dedicate more of the space to explaining it and talking about engineering. Also, overall I would personally talk a bit more about engineering and why engineering rather than the other activities. If not, maybe you should change the order of the paragraphs, because as it is the engineering paragraph is between the 'newspaper article' and 'computer science' paragraphs. I would personally put the two together and move on to engineering later so it stands out: "Engineering to me, however, is more than just dealing with numbers..."
"I must keep track of the word count of each article and how many columns each translate into..." Maybe "...and the number of columns.."?
"Photos also require space and their dimensions must be adjusted accordingly without the loss of photo clarity."
"Other details such as the title, photo credit, and font also play a part in the decisions I must make." You have 3 sentences which give detailed examples of the difficulties of placing articles. I think you could save up space by getting rid of some. Maybe you could find something to cut in the computer science paragraph as well
I hope my suggestions make sense and I was of some help. I also have a similar essay uploaded about engineering and I'm also above word limit, if you care to have a look whenever.
