First of all, what was the prompt that you were given for this essay? It is necessary for you to provide the prompt so that a guideline will exist as reference for the content of your essay that will be reviewed.
want to study at Business Academy Aarhus because of your exceptional education, internship experience, and your excellent links in the fastest growing industry .
- Do not use generalized comments like these to open an essay. Jump immediately to the second paragraph instead.
I have come to conclusion that
Tourism and Hospitality is actually the field where I would always be happy to work .
- I have come to the conclusion that my combined life experiences has led me to the path of Tourism and Hospitality as a career choice.
My interest in the hospitality branch comes predominantly from the fact that I want to work with people
both as a staff member but als o in relation to customers
-... both as a staff member and in customer...
took initiative to create many projects
- ... took the
a bigger project with main purpose of breaking a cultural and communication barrier.
... a bigger project with the
main.. communication barriers
- ... meetings ,
introduced us to origin and history of Thanksgiving through a costume play.
-... to the
We have seen many other fascinating places .
- That sentence did not help the paragraph to move forward. No new information was introduced.
As an extremely determined and self-motivated student I dedicated my time
for studies of History and English language
- ... motivated student ,
I dedicated my time to the
and pass the many information
- . and pass on
- work with a
I understood that to work in this hospitality industry I will have to be part of an organization and have to coordinate myself but at the same time have to have in mind that there is a client to tend, whose needs have to be fulfilled.
- All of those experiences helped me to gain an early understanding of the tourism and hospitality field. I learned the importance of being able to assist strangers with their needs as they reside or visit a foreign country.
hard work by
awarding me twice a row, for a best English speaking student in years of 2013 and 2014,
- by twice awarding me the
Furthermore I consider myself a highly environmentally-minded person.
- expand upon this comment in relation to the tourism industry.
to form my
aspiration for a career in International hospitality.
- ... to form my desire
I am sure to exceed your expectations, because of my academic and interpersonal skills as well as the experience gained from work.
- ... because of my academic and interpersonal skills coupled with my vast work experience.
Sometimes cleaning up an essay is just a matter of correcting grammar and punctuation errors. Enhancing certain sentences also helps to drive your point home. I hope that the corrections and suggestions I made will help you do that for your paper :-)