My exchange year in Orange, MA was overwhelmingly full of things for me to learn from

Hi everyone! I was hoping you all could help me improve this personal statement of mine. Thank you for your help, in advance, and apologies for any inconveniences.

Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

My response(as below) :

"Alright! Line up everyone, tickets and passports out! It's time!" That was the sentence that I waited long to hear; but now that someone finally announced it, my heart sank. I hugged my beautiful mom and my little baby sisters, all the while tears rolling down our cheeks. After all, it was time for me to go. All the achievements, the interviews, the adversities, the races against time and money, the fear-mongering wait for the letters of selection into the next round, the intimidating competition, all of it, was for this very moment. And just like Harry Potter, this spectacled 15 year old boy took his trolley of luggage and went into the Departure platform, looking forward to a rather hopeful but unknown future in a distant land. That was where my evolution into becoming an adult initiated.

I was one of the 108 students selected to be an exchange student in the United States, for an academic year during 2013-2014. The selection process was grueling; it comprised of rounds of English proficiency tests, interviews, group discussions, medical tests and many other obstacles. The extreme competition intimidated me; but soon, all it did was taught me to look fear in the face and conquer it. Still, the proposition of living thousands of miles away from family and friends was incomprehensible, but I knew that getting out of my comfort zone was how I could enhance my life experiences and so I did. When the final selection letter came to my house, I knew it was time to get out of my cocoon and fly. So I took flight, literally.

When I look back, in retrospect, I find that my exchange year in Orange, MA was overwhelmingly full of things for me to learn from whoever or whatever I encountered. That all combined, contributed to making me the person I am today. To begin with, despite being complete strangers to each other before this, my host mom gave me a place in her home and family; I reciprocated by giving her a place in my heart. This taught me that mutual trust does wonders in building a sustaining relationship. Next lesson came from my school, where I did become a victim of the occasional racism but there were always some morally conscious people there to back up and support some foreigner that they barely knew from art class. This taught me that one should never back down from standing up for the weak and the right in the society, regardless of anything. These lessons continued and came in all shapes and sizes; in another instance, my local coordinator who was 82 years old, worked 14 hours a day for various charities and welfare programs. He taught me that age is just a number and that it is never too late to take an initiative for whatever you believe in. Eventually, when my ten months in the US came to an end, I just knew I was ready to step up to the mantle and take responsibility as a diligent citizen of my community and become the succorable person my single mom has needed for a long time.

Maturity comes in many forms: emotional, mental and physical. After the eye opening year in the US, I was lucky to have it all. From raising more than $1000 to donate uniforms and shoes to a school in a slum to conducting awareness and women empowerment sessions for the insecure women of my culture; I did it all, and more, in the two years of my being back here. Now, I have truly realized that self-improvement must be a constant struggle in life and that challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. All in all, I am now an adult and I have my actions to prove it.

Arhum, don't tell the reviewer that this experience made you transition from childhood to adulthood. Show him that the series of experiences that you had as an exchange student helped you to successfully transition to adulthood. You have the right premise for your essay response, it is your execution that is wrong. The discussion of the essay should focus on how you dealt with your life overseas for 10 months. Consider that you were without your parents guidance, had to make sure that you did not get into trouble, worked hard in school, got along with everybody, and did not do anything to disrespect your host family. These are the elements that, properly discussed, would show the reviewer that you had a remarkable transition from child to adult.

If I were to revise this essay, I would write it in a manner that would show the reviewer the kind of life that I had in Pakistan before I left for the semester abroad. Show how you were pampered, loved, cared for, and basically catered to by your parents. Then show him how this all changed for you during the time when you had to take full responsibility for yourself, your actions, and the results of all of the decisions you made for yourself. Show him how your mindset changed and how you handled the sudden responsibility for yourself. Then discuss how these events led to your evolution and how, upon your return to Pakistan, you were a changed boy whose newfound sense of adulthood impressed his relatives and parents alike.

Focus on your development as a person while you were overseas. Make sure that the transition to a more responsible person is clear and understandable. Remember to show the reviewer how the process of maturity happened for you. Try not to tell him because he needs proof of your claims. The proof will come from the story that you will be telling him about the transition period in your life.