Exchanging ideas and sharing experiences. Applying in scholarship, Essay about my interests.

Hello, I'm planning to apply scholarship and got this prompt
Please specify your area of interests, hobbies, and voluntary works

I had written the answer. Would you mind editing it? It's my first time to make scholarship essay and English is not my native so it will be very helpful for me if you correct some grammatical errors and unnecessary words. Thank you ^_^

Philanthropic and communicative

Many peoples interpret that the communication is simply limited to oral. But actually, there are times when the writing becomes the best choice in communication. Meet with new people is fun for me. Exchange ideas and share experiences made me become myself completely. Indeed, communicate with others, especially strangers is not easy for everyone. That is why sometimes I choose to write. By writing, I'm so much more freely to express what is in my mind and wrote it into an article. Happiness in meeting new people make it easy for me to look for ideas in a work, because I think new people is a new idea. Because that's what makes me has published various works such as 3 children's story books, articles, and various short stories that have been published in various print and online media in Indonesia. Participate in journalism extracurricular at school encouraged me to keep working until I believed to be the editor of the school magazine. Not only that, the other greatest happiness in my life is when I can be beneficial for everyone around me. Therefore, I often doing social project such as charity program, giving the worth book to be read to the public reading park, providing information and motivation in the world of literacy, and giving socialization about the impact of globalization and the role of youth and parents to deal with it. Because I think happiness is not about what I get but what I give to my surroundings.

IMHO the word 'people' need to be add with 's' because it is already a plural. In addition, you should not begin the sentence with the verb as you do in the third and fourth sentences of your writing. By the way, we are in the same boat of pursuing scholarship. Good luck to you in the future.

Alinda, there are a number of changes that you have to implement in this essay so that you can properly develop your content. Right now, the problem with what you have written is that it does not identify the activities as specified in the prompt requirements. That should have been done by presenting each activity as a clear and separate paragraph to the reader. The way you have the essay set up right now, everything is just a jumble of words that doesn't really represent a coherent thought process. Keep the keywords in mind as specified in the prompt. Each paragraph should use the keyword applicable to your activity so that the reviewer will know exactly what you are talking about in the paragraph.

Another change that you have to make is in the identification of how you participated in these activities. If you were part of the journalism club at school, tell the reviewer the name of the school club. When you did your charity activities, you should have been part of some sort of charitable organization or club, so it is important that you share the name of the club or organization as well. These sorts of identifications will allow the reviewer to confirm that you actually participated in these activities in the manner that you relate in your essay.

Those are the basic changes that you need to implement in the essay. There is a chance that you will have to make some other changes to your content depending upon how your new presentation will look. So I hope you have a long deadline before submission. We have our work cut out for us.

@Holt
Thank you for your advice. It will be useful for me. Next time i'll post my essay again

@Holt
I had revised the answer. Would you mind read and editing it?

When I was nine years old, I started trying to make the fiction story themed friendship. Although with many times of the editing proccess, eventually my first short story was published in the bulletin writing club that I followed, which named 'Kelab Penulis Cilik'. That was beginning I loved the world of literacy until now. And now, I have published various works such as 3 children's book entitled 'Cooking Show', 'Jeanie Vs Trio Usil', and 'My spooky moment'; articles, and various short stories that have been published in various print and media online in Indonesia.

At school I also follow extracurricular which named 'Kharisma'. It is journalism extracurricular on my school which always publishes school magazine every three months. Due to the works that I have published, in the first year of high school I've been trusted to become the third editor and coordinator reporter for tenth grade. Until next year, I didn't become chief of editor but I believed to be the first editor, vice chief of editor, and also coordinator reporter for all grade. Because the tasks what i passed is bigger than chief of editor and the school believed me that I could carry out more than what the chief did.

Being member of Forum Pelajar Indonesia Ke-8 which organized by the NGO named Indonesia Student Youth Forum in August 2016 makes me doing any social activities. Such as charity program called 'Sejuta Koin untuk Pelajar' for the construction of schools in remote areas, Social project named 'Baku Tembak' that was giving the worth book to the public reading park in my regency, and giving socialization about the impact of globalization and the role of youth and parents to deal with it.

You don't have to mention your age when sharing your publication experience. That is an unnecessary plot point here because you are only sharing the information about your general interests, hobbies, and voluntary work. If you include the age that you began in the activity, the reviewer might tend to think that your activity doesn't belong in the response because you were still very young when you engaged in it. In order to create a stronger foundation for your activities, just discuss your participation without mentioning names. It creates a stronger presentation specially when accompanied by the fact that you are a published author as well.

In your second paragraph, change all the tenses to past tense since you have already performed all of these activities. It does not make sense to allow the reviewer to think that you are still performing these duties at present because you are already a senior in school and are about to enter college. Do you see the problem that your inappropriate tense use created? More importantly, I spotted a lower case I when using the first person pronoun, kindly change it to the capital form since the term is being used in a formal academic writing piece.

@Holt
You said "...just discuss your participation without mentioning names..." What names do you mean? Name of my organization or name of the activities?

I mean the names of the books you published, the organizations that you were a member of, and other identifying marks that will show that you were not a full grown person at the time you participated in the activities. We are trying to turn your childhood activities and interests into your adolescent and adult interests. Therefore, you should not mention anything that might make the reviewer consider your age while you were participating in these activities. The prompt is just looking for a general discussion. So by mentioning specifics, you are over doing it. Keep the reference to specifics in your voluntary activities though. That will help the reviewer understand the relevance of the activity. Please let me know if you find it difficult to revise the response. I will try to give you an example of how to do it.

@Holt
Yes, i'm a little confused to revise my essay. Would you mind teach me and give me some example please?

This is how you might be able to format your response:

One of the hobbies that I have cultivated in my life is my love for writing friendship themed stories. This obsession with story writing led to my first publication in "Kelab Penulis Cilik". This was soon followed by the publication of my 3 children's books "The Cooking Show", "Jeanie vs. Trio Usil" and "My Spooky Moment". Before I knew it, my love for creative writing also results in the publication of my short stories in other print and online media in Indonesia. Following my passion for writing, I was also a member of the "Kharisma" journalism club in my school. Aside from being a published amateur writer for the publication, I also served as the editor in chief.

My volunteer activities found me participating in the charity program Forum Pelajar Indonesia Ke-8 which was involved in the construction of schools in remote areas and the distribution of books to the public as well as raising awareness about globalization and the role of the youth and parents in its successful promotion.

Keep it short, focused, and informative. There is no need to indicate an age or any other non-essential information. Use the essay above if you really feel that you are hopeless when it comes to writing the statement response.

@Holt
Thank you so much for your help. It really helpful for me, but I'll try my best first.

@Alindaputri
Meet with new people is fun for me.
I do believe that this sentence is irrelevant.
And I do believe that you stressed on one of your weakness that you are not that good in face to face communication.