essay about experience

prompt is: Tell us about a person, place, or event in your life that has particular meaning for you, and why it is important to you. We'd especially like to hear about someone or something that has affected your life that may not have affected or even been noticed by other people. (suppose to be 500 words, I'm a bit short..)

MY ESSAY:

I can only imagine for immigrants to America, the difficulties and hardships they must face. My father and grandparents are immigrants to this nation we call the land of opportunity. I remember the stories of the hardships, the uncertainty of making ends meet. Fortunately, my father and grandparents were able to move from poor lower-class citizens to upper working middle-class status. However, the same cannot be said for many others.

I recall a story my father had told me about a friend of his when growing up, after so many years had still been eating rotten vegetables. The significance of this was that the friend had been in America for years already but was getting sick from the food that he would have to find. Many come to live the American Dream, whatever that may be, but many also are unsuccessful.

What I took from this was that it takes some luck and hard work to advance in society. My grandparents had an education less than that of a high school education, but were still able to find some work that helped put my parents, aunts and uncles through school. My parents tell me about how they had to work at such a young age to help their parents and siblings unlike me where I had never held a job.

My parents had preferred that I focused on school instead of getting a job. For them, school was more important and hopefully in the end would lead to a great job. I get to live the life my parents did not have. I did not have to work like they did and get to enjoy the things I wanted. However, it came with the price of working hard in school and with that, I graduated top of my class.

Much of our success in life comes from hard work and some luck. Many immigrants, especially after a generation or two are able to move up in society assuming they started from rock bottom. However some, like my father's friend, are not so lucky and remain in the poor status in society. On the other hand, my grandparents were able to give their children what they did not have, an education. My parents gave me what they did not have, an easygoing life with the joy of having most of what I wanted. The next step for me is to continue move up in the social ladder, but knowing that any unexpected event could always bring you down back to square one.

Please be as critical, harsh, and honest with your review of my essay. How is the content and structure of the essay? Should I just rewrite another essay? Please be brutally honest and don't hold back I really want a great essay. And thanks for the help.

Good afternoon :)

While your essay is interesting, I'm not sure it is an appropriate fit for their prompt. It sounds like they want to know of a specific event that effected you, but that might not be obvious to others. What is it exactly in this prompt that serves as the "person, place, or event" in your life that holds that meaning? This reads like a history of your family, with no real focus to it. Make sure that your piece acknowledges and answers each aspect of their question.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

I see what you are saying, for the same prompt I wrote this:

It was a cloudy winter day in lower Manhattan. As I walked the streets of the Lower East Side to get to the train, I saw an elderly woman of over sixty years of age with a child around eight years of age. The old woman was selling some small plants and white nuts at a reasonable price. I could not help but wonder with many questions and thoughts running through my mind.

I wondered why she would be selling these items. Was it her choice or was she forced to do so? She could have chosen to sell the plant and nuts in order to make a living rather than doing something else. While it is a way of income, it was not very promising. Sitting on the streets of New York City, hoping a stranger will purchase one was not my idea of earning an income. The woman may have had to sell the stuff as a desperate way to make money to support a family.

Regardless of the possible reasons, she was still selling the plant and nuts on a chilly day. I imagined her to have sat there on the floor the whole morning waiting for a sale. Could the two dollars really have mattered that much? Was it really worth sitting the whole day outside when it was cold? It shows the severity of the woman's situation and the extent the old woman was willing to go in order to feed the child. What if it were her last few days? I doubt she would like to spend those last days sitting there selling the items because I certainly would not have. Regardless whether it was her last days or not, the elderly woman had the responsibility of taking care of herself and the child sitting with her.

The child must have gone to school, and when not in school she must be sitting with the woman outside. The reason for two people to watch the small setup could be in case one had to use the bathroom. The child must sit there alone in the event the woman must go to the bathroom, and face possible humiliation from her classmates that may happen to see her. How could they understand? Some of her classmates may have never had to face such hardships. The absolute mortification of having to sit on that floor to have a chance at some sort of a meal for dinner and to be looked down upon as inferior to the rest.

I had nothing but respect for the elderly woman, as she demonstrated the strength to endure the conditions winter had to offer so that she could continue to support whomever she had to. I have admiration for the child, as she is able to do what she had to, and matured to meet the demands of life. While I do not know the whole story of their situation, I do know that I was fortunate enough to have never experienced anything as close to what she and the child were experiencing. I always had what I needed, and never had to worry about going to sleep hungry or wonder if someone would buy something.

I was lucky. But what if something happened that forced the woman to have to sell things? Anyone could have ended up in a similar situation. I would not be excluded in the possibility of suffering a major downfall and have to sell items to survive. I cannot predict what will happen to me in the future. It then becomes even more important to earn a college education. By investing in a college education, I provide myself more opportunities to hopefully help me support my future family and myself.

There is no telling what lies before any of us. The only thing we can do is to be grateful for what we have and move forth with what we can. I have become more focused on my education and set towards having options. Without options, I depend on everything to go right for my life. The woman did not have much option, but to sell those items to give the child a chance at life.

I could always set my mind towards success, but I cannot be blinded by it. The reality is things do happen that we do not plan. The only thing we can do is to be prepared with a plan in case the event should occur. The experience has given me a new look on life and how I plan to live it. I cannot be focused so much on success and must be aware of the possibilities. I will never forget that day, as it was the first time I realized what life really was.

This is grossly over the limit, (nearly 800 here) so cutting away is okay here. What I am trying to shoot for in this essay is that my encounter with the person provoked thought and from that learned about the possibilities of failure while others don't realize it. Hopefully this better answers the prompt? Be honest again please thanks.

This is much better, more appropriate for their question. It is a bit lengthy though, with lots of details and background information. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when you have a word count restriction to keep in mind, it has to be taken into consideration.

I think if you remove this section:

"Regardless of the possible reasons, she was still selling the plant and nuts on a chilly day. I imagined her to have sat there on the floor the whole morning waiting for a sale. Could the two dollars really have mattered that much? Was it really worth sitting the whole day outside when it was cold? It shows the severity of the woman's situation and the extent the old woman was willing to go in order to feed the child. What if it were her last few days? I doubt she would like to spend those last days sitting there selling the items because I certainly would not have. Regardless whether it was her last days or not, the elderly woman had the responsibility of taking care of herself and the child sitting with her.

The child must have gone to school, and when not in school she must be sitting with the woman outside. The reason for two people to watch the small setup could be in case one had to use the bathroom. The child must sit there alone in the event the woman must go to the bathroom, and face possible humiliation from her classmates that may happen to see her. How could they understand? Some of her classmates may have never had to face such hardships. The absolute mortification of having to sit on that floor to have a chance at some sort of a meal for dinner and to be looked down upon as inferior to the rest."

You will drastically reduce the word count without harming the essay. That takes off about 250 words; what is the limit?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

they recommend 500 words so its around there. how is it in content, structure, and was it good?

I think it's great in regards to content and readability; your organization and structure look good as well. The whole piece flows easily and isn't difficult to read. You also have good tone and voice.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com