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Experience at children's drop-in center - Washington University at St. Louis

dreamer 3 / 18  
Mar 10, 2012   #1
Hi! Here's my second essay for Washington University at St. Louis. Please let me know if this essay answers the prompt. Any advice on the content, grammar, sentence structure and my approach with this essay?

Short answer: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I sat on a miniature stool next to a 9-year-old girl as she attempted to write her biodata in English. But she stopped when it came to her birthdate and admitted, "I don't know."

She was just one of the children that I had the privilege to meet when I volunteered at Nur Salam. As a 24-hour drop-in and activity center for disadvantages kids, we received about 50 children daily - who were trafficked, refugees, from single-home parents or with unfit parents involved with prostitution, drug abuse and criminality. With no official identification documents, many were deprived of school.

I was there to teach them basic English and Malay languages and organize educational programs ranging from story-telling to art and craft sessions. While I hoped I had served them well, simply watching them in their daily endeavors revealed their high spirits and optimism in face of adversity. And I saw it when I looked into her eyes, smiled and said "It's okay, let's answer the next one - your hobbies?"

poetkate88 1 / 2  
Mar 10, 2012   #2
This is great. You are really going to pull people in with this essay. I think the only thing I'd change is:

As a 24-hour drop-in and activity center for disadvantaged kids

I like how the ending is direct and personal, but its confusing as to what exactly you are talking about. But its really cool that you did this, Im kinda jealous actually. Hope you get in!
OP dreamer 3 / 18  
Mar 10, 2012   #3
Hi Katelyn, thank you very much for your feedback!! I've been checking back to see if anyone replied (kind of paranoid about it lol) and I was so excited to see someone did!

Hmm, yes I understand what you mean about the ending. Any ideas on how I should word it by making it clear that I'm talking about the same little girl in the beginning?

Unfortunately, I forgot the lovely girl's name. :( I am terrible with names, so it's really my fault because she did leave an impression on me and I'll remember her always, but just not her name :(

If you have time, do you mind having a look at my other essay for Wash U on my reasons for transferring?
Thank you :)
PriyankaDwivedi 1 / 2  
Mar 10, 2012   #4
Hema, your essay is crisp and clear.
But the last sentence may be appreciated by a few or may confuse a few. So, I think you should come up with a better ending.

Apart from that, ALL THE BEST!

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