Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
My greatest sense ...
It's definitely interesting and has lots of potential, but it could use a few touch-ups. The tone could definitely use some more personality and intimacy. You should tell us your sister's name and try to give the reader specific instances when she emulated you or when you began to consciously act differently in order to positively impact her life.
Here are some quick grammatical/wording edits:
The last day of my 8th grade career, after nearly two months of vacation my parents came home with an adopted baby girl from China. The moment I saw upon my first sibling, I felt the attachment and joy that a mother feels she firsts lays eyes on her newborn baby. Fostering my sister in her growth and teaching her the virtues that my parents taught me have been my priorities during these last five years. In raising my baby sister, I have strived to become a responsible role model for my sister.
In raising a baby, I had to adjust to a different lifestyle: I was given more responsibilities and I had to be more aware of my actions, as they could influence my sister's behavior. As the big brother, my parents gave me tasks that many new parents get nervous about, such as changing dirty diapers, cleaning, feeding, and tending to the child's every emotional need. My sister's infancy and "terrible twos " were among the most challenging stages. Like most adolescents, I would quiver just hearing about such tasks of dealing with young children. However, I learned to deal with pressure and was driven to help my parents care for my sister, whether it was changing diapers or carrying her for long periods of time. Instead of complaining, I pushed past any of my preconceptions and initial attitudes of childcare and over time, what I once considered busy work had become a personal duty.
I feel rewarded that the love and attention I have given my sister has helped her grow to be the compassionate girl she is today. As a growing role model, I work to develop my courtesy and respect that I have taught to and expect my sister to show to others. One changed aspect of my personality that my family and friends have noticed throughout this experience is my progressive maturation and acceptance of responsibility
If you found my advice useful, I'd really appreciate it if you gave my thread a look.
try to follow the golden rule of "show don't tell".
having a hook would really help --> maybe try to describe a defining moment. (ex. first time you saw your sister)
also, maybe you could relate it to other aspects of your life -> how did that sense of responsibility help you in other parts of your life?
great start!~