I've been trained for shooting since 9th grade and my essay is also about my experiences on riflery. It tried to demonstrate the idea that no one is a lonely island by paralleling the relationship of marksman and his rifle with the relationship we forged with each other. And in the middle of my draft I've got a sentence:
Just like the shooter reaches out to his gun, and the gun also reaches out to its shooter.
Instead of waiting for others to talk to me, I started to reach out myself. I would no longer be the passive one.
I wanted to make the bold sentence a turning point of my essay and echo with the next paragraph, but no matter how i fined it it always seemed very awkward...
does anyone know how to fix the para? or any suggestion is ok..
THANK YOU~~
Hello
Do yourself a major favor and do NOT write this...Just like the shooter reaches out to his gun, and the gun also reaches out to its shooter. Instead of waiting for others to talk to me, I started to reach out myself. I would no longer be the passive one. Those two sentences conjure up an image that you do NOT want any admissions officer to have, especially in these times where school campuses are on heightened alert. While you are free to write whatever you want, this is not the best decision. - Admissions Advice Online
Hope thsi helps.
I would rewrite that sentence as:
"Just like the shooter reaches out to his gun, the gun too reaches out to its shooter."
The way you have the sentence right now, it is a fragment (not a complete sentence) so this change fixes that and makes it a whole sentence, and also adds "too" instead of "also" which I think puts more impact into what you're trying to say.
Thank you! But I'm still not very clear about the "image" thing you've mentioned... do you mean that because guns are sensitive topics on campus so I'd better not mention it?
By writing " Instead of waiting for others to talk to me...I was no longer the passive one..," you conjure up the image of the lonely kid, or maybe the kid that was bullied and felt all alone. Unfortunately when you mix this with talking about shooting a rifle, especially in a school setting, it will make some admissions officers very uncomfortable. I would steer clear from this type of a topic for an admissions essay. - Admissions Advice Online
Hope this helps
Umm... my essay was actually about how I, a reticent girl who shut up herself from the outside world, turned into an extrovert student activity leader, and the trigger of this change was my attending riflery... and I've already mentioned some of the changes before these two paras. So under this situation, will this para still sound that uncomfortable?
