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'experience in Venice' - An experience that has changed your life

Wyn 1 / 4  
Oct 29, 2009   #1
My college essay that i'm dieing to submit, I just want it to be perfect.. tell me what you think please!

an experience that changed my life
Once a year the Venetian people dress in the traditional costume that their ancestors once did, and roam the streets of Venice feasting and celebrating. They don exquisite and elaborate masks of human faces, jokers, animals, and various religious symbols like the sun and the moon, along with long gowns and draperies that are adorned with bells and gems. Venice is a uniquely striking city, unlike anything I've ever seen before, with traditions different from any other city. In between rustic houses and buildings run narrow waterways which flow to the Grand Canal. Gondolas and boats float by one another in front of a vast background of ancient churches and magnificent plazas. My experience in Venice was just as amazing as the rest of my trip. The past summer, I traveled in Berlin, Germany; Paris, France; and various cities in Italy, experiencing the best each city had to offer.

For a month I was enveloped in a cultural experience that changed my views on life. Throughout my trip I learned so much about the world I live in, and the people who share it with me. I love to experience new things and visit new places. My trip inspired me to become a worldlier person; it opened my eyes to the beauty, hardship and reality of the outside world. It has influenced me to think on a larger scale about my creativity and the decisions my life is based upon. Berlin is a beautiful city that is ripe with modern and street art, new methods of architecture and advancing technologies; I was amazed at how much progresses the city had done since the time of the Berlin Wall and World War II. I couldn't help compare it to my upcoming challenge, College. Berlin is proof hard work and determination are factors that accomplish anything. I am excited to start my college career because I now have more insight and confidence to face the journey ahead. My time spent soaring through these cities is one of the best memories I hold and factors into so much of my life now. It is reflected in my personality, my art, and my goals. In every city I visited, I saw stunning landscapes and the most detailed and exquisite churches and landmarks. There is such intense beauty in the world; I don't plan to miss an inch of it. Believe me, seeing The Versailles Palace on television is nothing compared to seeing it right before you. I am so lucky to have been able to visit these countries that I had once dreamt about.

The journey experienced taught me so much more than just how to live out of a suitcase, it opened my eyes to the beauty of other countries and their ways of life. There is more to this world then your circle of friends, or the town mall. The world is a vast collection of history, culture, and mystery that I cannot wait to explore later in my life.
zfsallman 1 / 1  
Oct 29, 2009   #2
i think its great....detailed very nicely....just make sure you don't exceed the word limit...
OP Wyn 1 / 4  
Oct 29, 2009   #3
Thank you, i just hope its not too desciptive and not reflective enough
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 30, 2009   #4
Here is a stronger start:
Once each year, the Venetian people...
Using "each" instead of "a" is a good way to add "definition" to that first sentence.

In that first paragraph, you give some great descriptions, but it seems to be about 2 different subjects. One is that holiday, and the other is the beauty of Venice in general. I think it will be good if you take a more formal approach and put an intro paragraph before that initial paragraph of description. Tell the reader you are going to write about an experience in Venice that changed the way you think.

For example, you might want to switch the order of the first 2 paragraphs and make some modifications so that you give a very clear idea of what the essay will be about.

This can be improved also if you tell not just about the beauty and brilliance of the place but about the actual insights it gave you about life. In what way did it change your life? Do you now think differently about your career or academic aspirations? I think it will be good if you use less description and more reflection on how it changed you. HOWEVER, you really wrote very well in giving these descriptions.
OP Wyn 1 / 4  
Nov 1, 2009   #5
any critique will help, i wanna send this out asap thanks!
Locoluke - / 2  
Nov 2, 2009   #6
Avoid using passive voice. "In between rustic houses and buildings run narrow waterways which flow to the Grand Canal" is a good example. Instead, phrase it something like, "Narrow waterways run between rustic houses and buildings, flowing down into the Grand Canal."

In addition, like EF_Kevin said, description is good, but this essay is supposed to be about you and how these experiences have affected you.
jolapham 2 / 11  
Nov 2, 2009   #7
Nicely written; however, I personally would like to read more about how this experience affected you. You wrote: "It is reflected in my personality, my art, and my goals.", but the essay doesn't really show that. I can't find anywhere in the essay how you actually changed.

Nevertheless, it's undeniable that your description is very good. :)


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