These are the few experiences that have motivated me to develop a career in STEM - 1st Caltech essay

the question is:
What three experiences or activities have helped you explore your desire to study and possibly pursue a career in STEM?

my response:
When I was in class 5 one day my cousin asked me, when there is a storm why do we see lightning before we hear thunder. I didn't know the answer. I tried searching in all my books. At last when l found out the answer it gave me a joy that I had never experienced before. This is how I became curious to know more about the phenomena that happen around me and their causes.

At first I didn't like mathematics. But one day when my father was teaching me trigonometry he asked me to observe the symmetry that lay in every formula and graph. This helped me develop a gradual love for mathematics, in its easy to understand patterns that makes it so simplified.

A few days ago, my junior asked me why does like charges attract each other? I couldn't tell him the answer so while I was searching for it, I realized that however much I learn I could be intrigued by a simple question, one that I had never wondered about which is why I will never be bored.

This are the few experiences that have motivated me to develop a career in STEM.

Writing an essay for the first time please critique it.

Smiriti, what you have is actually an outline of the topics that you want to discuss in your essay. The overview is strong and informative but it does not completely answer the prompt requirements. You have to expand your responses to offer more information about your interest in STEM.

Take each idea that you presented and extend the discussion. Explain what kind of information you came across as you looked for the answer about lighting and thunder. What did you learn specifically that could tie in to one of the fields of STEM? Make sure that the connection is clear and that your narrative is strong.

The story about Math, try to make it sound more personal. How did you feel about Math before your father introduced you to Math in such a way that it stirred an interest within you? How did that lead you to the conclusion that you require further STEM studies?

The question from your junior, try to make it sound more interesting than it is. It just seems so straightforward and you don't really seem connected to the events happening. Try to have a more active voice in your essay. The passive voice that you are currently using is doing a lot of harm to your essay.

Make sure to clarify the connection between your interests and STEM. Try to mention a specific STEM related career that you want to pursue and highlight that interest in the essay. The more connected your experience is to your chosen career, the more interesting your essay should become :-)

thanks for the help.