Explanation for a low grade - Transfer Essay

Hi All,

I want to explain a C that I got in my Calculus III class in my transfer application. Does this do the job? And does the information at the end stick out? I can see no other place to put that information about the language requirement.

Also Vector Calculus is an extension of Calculus III.

Prompt:
If you are unable to meet one or more of the transfer admission requirements for your program, please explain in the box to the right. You can also use this opportunity to share any additional information you feel we should be aware of while reviewing your application, including extenuating circumstances that affected your academic record.

I would like to take this opportunity to address the circumstances behind the sudden drop in my GPA especially during the Fall Semester of 2011.

Late during the summer of 2011, my father decided to move back to India to be with my grandparents. They were not able to meet their financial obligations without him and were in danger of being evicted.

That caused a sudden unusual financial pressure on our family here in the US. We went from a two-income household to a single income family and the effects were immediate. That was how I ended up working 2 jobs and 42 hours a week while trying to keep up with 16 credit hours of course load for most of the Fall Semester of 2011. For the majority of my Calculus III classes that semester, I would enter the class completely exhausted after having been through an eleven-hour day combining both work and school.

After the initial shock of the C had passed, I decided to pull myself together and work harder. I made a request at [...] for a day off, brought my work load down to a more manageable 36 hours and used that time to catch up. I took the Additional Topics-Vector Calculus course and managed to ace it with flying colors. I admit that was when I really developed a more comprehensive understanding of Calculus.

Looking back, I believe that I learned a really practical lesson and gained valuable time management skills from this episode. Although it led to a poor grade, I believe that this experience made me a better student and a better person. I hope that my circumstances will be taken into account when evaluating my application.

Another information that I would also like to share is that I am proficient in Hindi and I am willing to take the proficiency test to complete the language requirement.

Hi :) You have done a fine job explaining your "C". I think that is is easy to feel for you and your family and that your reasons are rational. You are obviously a very determined person and are willing to admit that you are not perfect either. There are a few things you can improve upon:

Paragraph structure: It would look better if you consolidated into about 3 paragraphs.

That caused a sudden unusual financial pressure on our family here in the US. We went from a two-income household to a single income family and the effects were immediate. That was how I ended up working 2 jobs and 42 hours a week while trying to keep up with 16 credit hours of course load for most of the Fall Semester of 2011.

You could elaborate on this a bit... stretch it out into more content to make it easier to read.

Although it led to a poor grade, I believe that this experience made me a better student and a better person.
I'd like to hear a bit more about how you felt when you received the "C" and how that feeling led you to realize these things- more details.

These are really minor things that I have suggested, but ideas in case you want to make some changes, Good luck in school!

Thanks for the feedback Jenny.

I worked a bit on the ideas you gave and here is what I got. Also how do you feel with the language requirement thing sticking at the end?

I would like to take this opportunity to address the circumstances behind the sudden drop in my GPA especially during the Fall Semester of 2011. Late during the summer of 2011, my father decided to move back to India to be with my grandparents. They were not able to meet their financial obligations without him and were in danger of being evicted. That caused a sudden unusual financial pressure on our family here in the US. We went from a two-income household to a single income family and the effects were immediate with very painful cuts having to be made to our budget. That was when I decided to take up another 20 hour part-time job at [...] to my existing work load of 22 hours at [..] while simultaneously trying to keep up with 16 credit hours of course load. For the majority of my Calculus III classes that semester, I would enter the class completely exhausted after having been through an eleven-hour day combining both work and school.

After the initial shock of the C had passed, I decided to pull myself together and work harder. I made a request at [...] for a day off, brought my work load down to a more manageable 36 hours and used that time to catch up. The C ignited a fire in me and I grew determined to do better. I took the Additional Topics-Vector Calculus course and managed to ace it with flying colors. I admit that was when I really developed a more comprehensive understanding of Calculus. Looking back, I believe that I learned a really practical lesson and gained valuable time management skills from this episode. Although it led to a poor grade, I believe that this experience made me a better student and a better person. I hope that my circumstances will be taken into account when evaluating my application.

Another information that I would also like to share is that I am proficient in Hindi and I am willing to take the proficiency test to complete the language requirement.

I think that final sentence should be "worked in" to the essay (I assume there is no other place on the application for this info) In the concluding paragraph, you could add in a sentence relating your renewed educational discipline to your goals in life. Mention that you have the talent of speaking another language and you feel confident about successfully completing the proficiency test. That should work, so that the sentence doesn't stand out, but you are still keeping it obvious to the reader. Emphasis on life goals is always a good thing :) I like how you re-structured the paragraphs, it is more appealing to my eyes. Nice work.

Thanks Jenny. That is a great idea!
YOU...ARE...AWESOME :)
Appreciate all your help.