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'to explore the fantastic world' - my PS, any suggestions?



karencao 2 / 4  
Nov 17, 2011   #1
In a hot and restless afternoon, hundreds of cars are running on a street. A "Cadillac" is just behind our "Blue bird". Suddenly, Cadillac crushes into the right-hand bend line and becomes in front of us. We keep the constant speed in the original straight ahead line. A brunch of sunlight reflects from Cadillac's mirror, and glares our eyes. However, Cadillac's "success" is just temporary. When we get near to the crossroad, Cadillac fails to get back in the straight ahead line since there is no space for it. We can easily continue on our way, while Cadillac is forced to go into the wrong way.

It reminds me of a deep autumn, my first wild-hiking to see a scene of waterfall hidden in the mountain. At the very beginning, I was very anxious of being the first one arriving at the splendid waterfall, so I jumped onto a stone far from me instead of two close stones. As a new visitor, I fell into the cold water. My shoes, even socks were wet. Eventually, I became the last one in our group. A rush decision, I thought that would make things faster, turned out slowing down my whole process. "More haste, less speed!"People all know it, however, people always tend to choose the cut way in the exact situation. So did me. After the terrible experience, I thought about my step firstly before every move, and chose the most efficient and safe way to go.

My motivation got enlarged when I heard the sound of water falling on the stones stronger and stronger. Finally, I arrived at the foot of the waterfall. It is so glorious, huge number of water gathering together, falling from the top and moving constantly. I began to wonder where the waterfall comes from. Our team leader told me that there is a spring on the top of the mountain, which offered continuous water to form the waterfall and pour this area. It's amazing. To see the spring, there would be more way to go. I had to go cross the waterfall which was at the top of my head. It was so steep and scared me off. Our leader asked "don't you want to see what it really is? If you looked forward to it, you have to give effort for it." Then I cleared up my mind and started my journey again.

On the way, I forgot about the tire and thirsty and just longed to the magic I was going to see. After another one hour of hiking, though getting sweat wet, I finally reached the very top of the mountain and saw the source of the waterfall. On the top of mountain, the final meet with my dreamed spring was not so fancy to what I expected. It was just a small hole in a tough stone. But it did lead me to see a great scene. Standing on the highest point, I felt the world was not so vast for me reaching every corner of it if I concentrated to walk step by step.

Indeed, the one, who clearly knows where he is going and insists in it, often achieves his dream in the long run. However, the one, who easily gets distracted by lures and decides to change their direction temporary, usually be farer and farer away from his original goal. As if I, sitting on the blue bird's back, safely flies into sky to explore the fantastic world.

Jennyflower81 - / 674  
Nov 17, 2011   #2
Some suggestions for your first paragraph:

On a hot and restless afternoon, hundreds of cars are running on a street. A "Cadillac" is just behind our "Blue bird". Suddenly, the Cadillac rushes into the right-hand bend line and moves in front of us. We keep the constant speed in the original straight lane . A beam of sunlight is reflected into our eyes from the Cadillac's mirror . However, Cadillac's "success" is just temporary. When we get closer to the crossroad, the Cadillac fails to get back in the straight lane since there is no space for it to merge . We can easily continue on our way, while Cadillac is forced to go into the wrong way.

A rush decision It was a rushed decision

turned out slowing down my whole process ...slowed down my progress

People all know it, however, people always tend to choose the cut way in the exact situation. So did me. The lesson I learned is that many people take a shortcut to save time, but in the end it can lead to delay.

My motivation got enlarged My motivation grew

You have a great story, continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school!


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