"The Extended Opportunities Program and Services" - extracurricular activity

Be as mean as you would like.

In the 2009/2010 academic year I was elected to be the President of the Extended Opportunities Program and Services (E.O.P.S.) Honors Club at my college. That same year we were awarded with the "Presidents Award" and the "Club of the Year" award. These awards were but perks that came with a beautifully challenging experience. An experience that catalyzed my evolution into a "better" leader, thinker, organizer, and social being.

Maintaining a system of such magnitude was at first intimidating. I spent many nights just thinking and writing outlines about how I would orchestrate this intricate system that I had taken responsibility for. I felt like a civil engineer drawing the blueprints for the various systems of a small town. I feel that my preparatory outlines, my adventurous personality, and my work ethic were what made my experience a successful one. I would argue that the most valuable lessons are definitely not confined to a classroom.

Thanks in advance

I wouldn't surround better with quotation marks in line 3. And don't change your last sentence too much if you are altering it, it's a good conclusion line. I don't see any serious downfalls anywhere. Overall, I like it.

firstly, your first sentence bores me immensely. catch my attention. make me care

also you said the honors club at your college?aren't you applying for college? confusing...

dont put quotes around "better" it looks as is your mocking yourself

your last sentence is a cliche,do better & you did not talk about any lessons you learned in your essay s it really has no relevance

verall yur response was bring, said nothing of value, & ive alreay forgotten entirely what it was about

TELL me something, WHY did you club win some award. WHAT was your role in that win. was it te win or the journey? let me see your personality. DETAILS DETAILS the 5 senses areyour friend. utilize them. this essay does not stand out at all. or say anything! ambiguity will kill you. pick a point write about it in detail. get admitted. have a good happy life.

please look at my two essays, feel free to be blunt

elected to be the President
Overall it is good but I agree with em2always. You can improve it by doing as she said.

Thanks a lot for helping with my Brown essays, but I would like you to tell me your overall comment on the advice essay. Do you think I answered the prompt accurately....Right now, I don't know if I have to change it or go with that advice.

Good luck

Thanks for your reviews, This is my new essay, thoughts?

Wherever you stand at the moment is your classroom. This is my motto. My work with the Extended Opportunities Program and Services (E.O.P.S.) Honors Club taught me what I consider to be priceless lessons on leadership, management, and people. During a relatively easy school year I felt that I could handle more responsibility so I decided to enter the race for Presidency of the E.O.P.S. Honors Club, a race that I would eventually win. In a very brief summary, we conducted a number of different fundraisers where we raised thousands of dollars in cash, food, and clothing. The donations went towards local homeless, struggling students, and scholarships. Our activities won us the "Club of the Year" and the "Presidents Award". I feel that I utilized the power given to me successfully because we were able to help many people, which is a great indicator of success for me.

ditch your last sentence completely.. makes you sound pompous and full of yourself

delete this line...In a very brief summary,....its obvious that its a breif sumamry u dont need 2 tell me

i would be wary of this line ...During a relatively easy school year...it makes itsound like your not taking hard classes...say instead that you wanted a chance to push yourself further or exploreyour capabilites or something like that