this is my first time posting, but im too self consious to ask any one I know to critque this for me. I am Currently attending a community college, and want to transfer into Texas A&M, but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm a mathematics major that is trying to get into computer engineering. the prompt was to "explain any extenuating circumstances"
INTRODUCTION- At the ripe age of nineteen, I find myself in my fourth semester of college ready to move into my major specific classes. I want to improve my education so that I can work with on the cutting edge of the advancement of computer hardware.
BODY 1- Right now where we are as a culture and a civilization we are at the dawn of a new revolution that shows no sign of slowing down in the near future. Specifically I really hope to get into work with different types of solid state memory devices and integrated circuits.
BODY 2-When I was working on a paper for a less than exciting class, my hard drive completely crashed, it was at this moment that I got my first taste of computer engineering, when I had to replace my hard drive, which subsequently led to a complete overhaul of my system, and I was hooked. Since then computer hardware has become a hobby that I am more than egger to advance to the next level. The Texas A&M University offers great resources through which attaining an internship at a company and gaining hands on experience with top notch computer engineers.
BODY 3-Going into my college career, my family determined that it would best for me to start off in community college because of our financial situation. I am glad to have made this choice, because it has given me the opportunity to explore different majors and ultimately led to me deciding on computer engineering.
BODY 4-Texas A&M applies to me, not only because of their fantastic reputation as one of the best engineering schools in the United Sates, but also because of their well grounded moral values. Your school's firm moral belief in honesty, hard work, and goodwill summarizes what I want from my education as well any career that would result from it.
CONLUSION-When I reflect on where I am in my life I am met with pride for how far I have come and an eager since of humbleness for the long road that lies ahead of me.
Naturally there won't be words next to the paragraphs, but any and all criticism would be really great, I super appreciate it, thanks a bunch! <3
For the sake of expanding your essay, maybe include some sort of theme.
I'm thinking your desire to innovate.
Also, discuss how your creative mind will improve the field.
although i definitely changed it up a lot since I've posted this you sir have been a rather large help as I was polishing it off, thank you for helping me with my theme!! :D
alright, so I'm almost done, I THINK but the conclusion and introduction still need some work, I'm just not sure what to say thats both eye catching and not too crappy sounding... also I'm not sure how to edit my thread thingy, so I'm just posting it as a reply
INTRODUCTION-At the ripe age of nineteen, I find myself in my fourth semester of college and, by the end of this semester, will have completed my entire core curriculum. I want to push my education forward so that I can work on the innovation and advancement of computer technology, the driving force behind most modern development. The Dwight Look College of Engineering at Texas A & M is the ideal school for me to in order to improve my knowledge of computers in an environment that is morally straight and provides me with opportunities to prove myself and work with advanced technology.
BODY 1-On a warm summer day my laptop decided the floor was a much more suitable place to be than my desk. Unfortunately, my hard drive did not like this and would never boot again. It was at that time that I got my first experience really working with computers internally. I unscrewed the base of my laptop and was met by a masterpiece of capacitors and resistors, microchips, memory, copper and silicon. It was at this moment that I determined to learn about each component in this work of art. After replacing my hard drive, computer hardware remained a hobby of mine. The latter half of my freshman year of college until the present was spent reading up on hybrid state memory devices and integrated circuits. Eager does not begin to define my interest in taking my electronics hobby to the next level. In the future I hope to be able to innovate the computers we use, but before one can innovate they must first become educated. Texas A & M University offers great resources, like the Industrial Affiliates Program that is a great window to get a foot in the door of an honest and reputable company.
BODY 2- Companies like Intel have been innovating the world of computers and with it all other sciences since 1969 with the invention the micro processor and since then computer technology has advanced at a faster rate than any other before it. The age of computer technology, has changed the way that people look at the world and perpetuated human ingenuity in every field of exploration. Advances in medical technology, scientific research, and business are almost all done with the use of computers. All of this comes from sand, or the silicon derived from sand. Computers are becoming the most important tool at the disposal of mankind, and keeping these tools in proper working order and continuous innovation is the key to further human development.
BODY 3-However, innovation is not something that can come without an education. Going into my college career, my family determined that it would best for me to start off in community college because of our financial situation. I am happy to have made this decision because it has given me the opportunity to explore different types of majors and gave me time to discuss my options with professionals, which ultimately led to me deciding on computer engineering. Going through these first two years has been tough, but I am proud to say that when times got tough I did not drop classes like so many others seem to do. I rode through the storm and I learned about myself because of it. Although I have gained a lot of life experience during my time at community college, having completed most of my core classes, and in the process of completing the remaining few, the time has come for me to move on to a four year university to advance my education to learn the fine craftsmanship of computer engineering. The world renowned professors in the Dwight Look College of Engineering soar well above expectations, and I could not ask for better mentors from which to learn.
BODY 4-Texas A&M you are super awesome, not just because of your fantastic reputation as one of the best engineering schools in the United Sates, or the excellent faculty, but also because of the pride you take in your moral values. Your school's firm belief in honesty, hard work, and goodwill summarizes what I want from my education as well any career that would stem from it. As it weren't enough to ask for the great moral compass that is A & M and the reputation that speaks for it nationwide, I am also looking forward to the diverse research opportunities that are offered at Texas A & M. In the field of computer engineering alone your school offers research opportunities in a plethora of different facets from quantum computing to intelligent systems. I especially cannot wait for the chance to jump on your school's research into solid state computing, and the impending day in which they render traditional memory devices obsolete.
CONLUSION- I want to improve my education so that I can work with on the cutting edge of the advancement of computer hardware. The Dwight Look College of Engineering at Texas A & M is the ideal school for me to in order to improve my knowledge of computers in an environment that is morally straight and provides me with opportunities to prove myself and advance technology.
I also added the sentence "My hard drive was only a baby of no more than two when she lost her life, but if it were not for the accident I would not have wanted to major in computer engineering. " to the very beginning, I think/hope it added some pizazz to it, without going overboard
too self conscious to ask any one I know to critque this for me.
Well, I'm glad you are here! Do not be self-conscious, because if you are fearless you empower others to be fearless in sharing their work with you. When you notice that self-consciousness is just a manifestation of the ego, you become fearless and uninhibited!
The beginning is not meaningful. It is well-written and shows your intelligence, but to say "cutting edge," etc., does not help. This is the good part:
solid state memory devices and integrated circuits. ----This shows something about your plan. The reader is impressed if you have a plan and strong intentions.
Body 2 ---excellent
Body 3---excellent, add one more sentence.
Body 4---
applies appeals to me, not only because of ...
Your school's firm moral belief in honesty, hard work, and goodwill summarizes what I want from my education as well any career that would result from it. ----I don't know if I believe this. I think it would be more powerful to talk about the great work of one specific prof whom you admire.
In the intro and conclusion, try to use a theme that pertains to your interest in solid state memory devices and/or the work of a prof from whom you look forward to learning.
You write very well!!