How have your extra-curricular activities contributed to your personal development?

Thank you!
Prompt:

How have your extra-curricular activities contributed to your personal development?
Tell us about the extra-curricular activities you have participated in such as clubs, societies, voluntary work, sports teams, teaching or research assistantships and individual hobbies that you have pursued to a high level. (Please do not exceed 300 words)

From a fledgling to an experienced person

Essay:
As the founder of a rapidly growing student organization(CUSA), I have closely collaborated with internal and external partners. This leadership experience cultivates my professional working ethic and business communication skill, which build fundamental soft skills for my future career and will definitely help me lead our team to smoothly finish group projects at UI .

First, from this experience, I have gained time management skills and developed a habit of careful planning. For example, I designed and coordinated Mid-autumn Gala, a four-hour performance social evening. This was the most challenging event for me and our organization, including setting up stage, contacting performers, as well as preparing additional supports for special needed people. Adding more commitments to my already coursework-filled schedules needed me to better prioritize important tasks first and manage my schedule more wisely and efficiently. To achieve my objects, first, I approached this problem from the big picture: I listed and categorized all tasks we need to accomplish, which prevented us from wasting time on redundant works and helped us combine similar jobs together and focus on the core. Then, I gathered several groups of appropriate members in charge of different tasks. To better connect our teammates in different groups, I rotated in various groups and provided suggestions for them in details.

Second, I am always a conversational and open-minded person. Cooperating with people in organization-related activities has further developed my communication and interpersonal skills. To keep sustainable development, I successfully built the partnership with local businesses, through various communication media such as face-to-face meeting, brochures, etc. I found out the key of in-depth business relationship is mutual understanding.

These organizational activities shaped me from a fledgling to an experienced person from both strategic and tactic aspect. I believe my experience could better strengthen a diversity and inclusion atmosphere at UI.

Right off the bat, what is CUSA, maybe it is because I am out-of-field, but it would be helpful for those unfamiliar to get a spelled out one as well?

Also I would get rid of the first/second transitions, while they are very nice and easy to understand. It sounds like a written out with more detail resume of sorts.

Also the second paragraph seems to contain several long, long sentences. I would break this up to allow for better flow!

Sun, you have really paid attention to the details about how this extra curricular activity has helped you develop a well rounded personality and work ethic that will be of use to you in college. I really like how you detailed all of your participation in the club and went the extra mile to exemplify how you can use these skills later on. However, you have chosen to describe an extra curricular activity that does not go by the simple name of the Red Cross, math club, garden club, etc. So you have some explaining to do in this part. The reviewer needs to have a background regarding the club. What is it all about? Why did you feel that you needed to fund such an organization? Tell him about the objective of the club and your leadership role in it before you get into the detailed explanation so that the reviewer will have clear insight into the club, your activities, and your development within the organization. Right now, you have most of those points covered. A little expansion is all that is needed in the first paragraph to complete the essay. You might need to edit the later parts for content if you go over the word limit though.

@Holt
This application also requires to upload an CV. I elaborately explain the main goal and function for this organization in my CV. So, do you think it is necessary to provide more background about the organization in this essay?

Also, thanks for your professional insight and advice.

Sun, the CV is the overview of all your credentials for consideration as a student. The essay is the in-depth presentation of certain required facts. Therefore, you should fully explain the extra curricular activity and the club in this essay while keeping an overview or summary in your CV. By doing that, you will allow the reviewer to get an introduction in the CV and more important information in the essay. Add information in the essay that is not completely detailed in the CV. That way, you are able to add information that the CV did not allow you present. As such, your essay becomes a complete representation of the prompt. By the way, no need to thank me. I am happy to help you out in whatever way I can. I hope I will be able to help you get into your university of first choice. Thanks for the trust me and my advice as well.