Extra-curricular essays for UVA

I would be very grateful if you helped me edit any of these five short-answer essays:

Please list, in order of their importance, the five activities outside the classroom that have been the most significant to you and, in fewer than 150 words per activity, describe why the activity has been meaningful, especially as it relates to your leadership experience and your commitment to citizenship. These activities may include employment and organized or individual pursuits.

1) HIV/AIDS Peer Educating
We sing songs, act skits, and read monologues. We teach about HIV/AIDS through theatre, investing our efforts to make a difference in Montezuma. I am a peer educator.

It all started sometime ago in Ghana: my heart bled anytime I heard the statistics: "200 Ghanaians get infected with HIV a day", "5 000 children orphaned by AIDS". When I realized that so many perished because of lack of knowledge, peer educating gave me a voice. I learned about HIV so I could teach others. In our team of educators, we went from school to school, distributing condoms, busting myths, reinforcing accurate stereotypes, and increasing awareness. We not only taught about modes of transmission, but also explained prevention methods, provided support and increased awareness. Four years down the lane, my heart still bleeds, but it also overflows with the hope that very soon, we will win the fight against HIV/AIDS.

2) Campus Store
It had been a long day and my muscles ached from the exhaustion, but as I tapped away endlessly at the cash register, I was oblivious to the pain. This was a dream come true - the aroma of freshly baked pizza wafting towards me, the endless queue of people waiting to be served, the buzz created as my friends' animated voices fused into one - the campus store was my bliss.

Working these hours taught me lessons my passion couldn't: I have learned the value of organisation whilst scheduling weekly shifts. Baking order after order of pizza showed me hard work and endurance, and anytime I smiled at a tired customer with a word of encouragement, I knew that friendship was priceless. Most of all though, I love selling because through that I help raise money for another scholarship fund; I give back to a school I love.

3) African Chorus
"Children of Africa, Lift your voices to the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords. From Cape Town to Cairo, He's won the victory, so let's glorify his wonderful name."

Twenty years from now, I may forget the words of each song we sang as a chorus, and the hours of practice we put in for every spectacular performance. What I could never forget is the endurance I learned from those hours, and the heartfelt passion with which the children of Africa sang these words for our motherland.

In United World College, African Chorus is more than an avenue to showcase our culture; it is a community, a statement of our identity. Our songs echo our collective dream, the dream that someday Africa will overcome the ravages of poverty and disease, and that our leadership will mean liberation for our homeland. Whether I am hitting my highest E sharp in a concert or playing the opening notes of a song, it is this dream that inspires me to give my best. It is for this dream that I sing.

4) Challenge Course Facilitation - Constructive Engagement of Conflict
My first encounter with challenge course reminded me of the time I jumped fully clothed into the Abiquiu Lake in New Mexico. I had had no idea what "Challenge Course" meant, just like I hadn't known a thing about swimming. In time though, my initial passion for both swimming and challenge course inspired me to learn.

I threw myself into studying group dynamics and mastering skills for team building. I experienced low and high ropes courses and enjoyed the outdoors whilst I learned that experience was invaluable. Challenging myself on rock-climbing and canoeing expeditions deepened the values of hard work and determination I grew up with. But I loved even more the joy of seeing others experience those very things, for I knew that after we learn our lessons of teamwork and cooperation, we all understand that the greatest challenge is engaging our own internal conflicts; discovering ourselves.

5) Debating
Debates have always inspired me, for I have long admired the eloquent battles of contradicting ideas. I am grateful for the chance I had to debate on various issues affecting my homeland Ghana, for it taught me to appreciate critical analysis and continuous learning. I love competitive debating because through that I learn about and ponder over the pertinent questions whose answers might have eluded us. I have come to understand that even though I might lose some debates, there is never any real loss, for at the end of it all, we all leave wiser than we came, we leave enriched with a rare lesson in diversity of opinion. Debating means even more to me: it gave birth to my desire to study law, my passion to lend my voice to the helpless, to speak for the speechless, to break the silence.

Thanks a lot :)

Ok...one I will


Good thoughts present here, but it sounds more like an informal conversation than a short answer essay


some time ago* dash or semi-colon instead of colon, my heart bled whenever* <I'm not sure how to separate these quotes.


repeated increased awareness? why? otherwise, this is good stuff


the whole bleeding thing, it's touching, but it somewhat distracts. four years down the lane sounds like its in the future. make sure the tense remains consistent. the HIV/AIDS thing...I guess it works, but sort of cheating it yea? just say one, they go hand in hand, so I think one will suffice.

I'll edit another if you want :P good luck!

Thanks a lot Jonathan!

Princess Daisy Akita, I can't find anything wrong with your essay!!

I especially loved the first part about aids...i got goosebumps while reading it!

Its really really great... I dont think you should change anything...but if there's something you have to change like grammar or something..then change it!

I would love if you could edit some of my essays one time :)

Thanks Rowa!

Very good ideas to write about but (maybe its just me) you were a bit...idk...arrogant, I would say. Very good writing nonetheless.

Thanks Amit,

I hope I can correct the arrogant tone you perceived. Do you happen to have any suggestions? Thanks again though :)

When you have part of a sentence that could be a complete sentence by itself, use a comma to separate it:
It had been a long day, and my muscles ached...

Now I'll remove the last comma of the sentence, and the sentence will have a nice rhythm:
It had been a long day, and my muscles ached from the exhaustion, but as I tapped away endlessly at the cash register I was oblivious to the pain.

any time is 2 words in this sentence:
...and any time I smiled at a tired customer with a word of encouragement, I was reminded that friendship is priceless.

Nice job! You are going to be great in your chosen field, that is my prediction!

Thank you Kevin. It reads much better now.