Short extracurricular essay. 'Model UN is the activity I enjoy the most'

//Please help me as I am really unsure if it is okay to ELABORATE by describing a specific event. Any help is appreciated!
//Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Model UN is the activity I enjoy the most, because doing it not only gives me insights on global issues, but also taught me invaluable life skills.

As a delegate for Germany (on my school's Model UN team), what should I do to gain the support? I analyzed my position, seeking a reasonable response. "Because stabilizing the society is the best cure..." I stated the view and the position of "my country" and showed the willingness to work with others. Last year's conference was a failure for me; I was arrogant, attacking the dissenting ideas. However, I had learned my lessons. This year, l kept telling myself that modesty and friendliness are universally appreciated. My collaborative attitude was the reason why I won two awards at the conference. I was very proud of myself, not for the awards, but for the life skills I learned.

Model UN gives me an opportunity to taste what it was like to be a diplomat not only in the UN, but also in the real life with team spirit and open-mindedness.

Thank you very much for your time!

Model UN is the activity I enjoy the most, because doing it not only gives me insights on global issues, but also teaches me invaluable life skills.

As a delegate for Germany (on my school's Model UN team) , I wondered what I should do to gain support.A question seems a little odd to put there I analyzed my position, seeking a reasonable response. "Because stabilizing the society is the best cure..." I stated the view and the position of "my country" and showed the willingness to work with others. Last year's conference was a failure for me; I was arrogant, attacking the dissenting ideas. However, I had learned my lessons. This year, l kept telling myself that modesty and friendliness are universally appreciated. My collaborative attitude was the reason why I won two awards at the conference. I was very proud of myself, not for the awards, but for the life skills I had learned.

Model UN gives me an opportunity to taste what it is like to be a diplomat not only in the UN, but also in the real world?with team spirit and open-mindedness.This conclusion seemed a bit awkward.

The activity is great but I think you need to work on producing a better flow for the essay. It was a little choppy and all over the place. I would focus on just the event and its impacts on you. Good Luck!

Thank you kimisizer for your response.
"I would focus on just the event and its impacts on you. "
Could you please explain it a bit more? I thought I already did...
Many thanks!

Bump!

I like your short response, but I do agree with kimisizer on how it is kind of choppy.

"As a delegate for Germany (on my school's Model UN team), what should I do to gain the support? I analyzed my position, seeking a reasonable response. "Because stabilizing the society is the best cure..." I stated the view and the position of "my country" and showed the willingness to work with others."

I feel like the entire focus of your response is how this activity taught you certain life skills, so I don't understand how the above sentences has anything to do with it. Is this talking about how you learned about global issues? IMO, you should take that out and focus more on the life skills part. Elaborate. How did being arrogant ruin last year's conference?

I hope this helps! and good luck!

It would be awesome if you could also take a look at my common app essay!