Her face looks funny... Common App essay prompt 1

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story:

It was an Egyptian winter day around the middle of January; people in the streets were buried in many layers of heavy clothing to protect their bodies from the "bone-chilling" 12 degrees Celsius (this is considered extreme cold when you live in Egypt). Returning from soccer practice, I followed the inviting smell of Romanian food into the kitchen to find my grandmother standing by the stove in her beige knitted pullover and checkered skirt. Snowy, our white Persian cat sauntered between her frail legs as if he was guarding her. As I approached the source of the mouth-watering smell, I recognized that she was cooking stuffed cabbage rolls, which happened to be my favorite homemade dish. With a gleaming smile on my 10-year-old face, I gave her a hug and kiss while she asked how training went. When she spoke I sensed a slur in her speech that wasn't present beforehand and as I moved away to have a clear look at her, I became aware that the left side of her face was slightly drooping. Confusion and shock engulfed my mind but I was careful not to show any of my feelings to avoid worrying her. Being a young child I didn't really understand the cause of this deformation, or why my grandmother didn't speak normally, but I knew something was wrong. The image of my grandmother's face did not leave my mind, and I was more than curious to find out why this was happening to her. My first instinct was to look for my pocket sized "First Human Body Encyclopedia," amongst the piles of comic books and soccer magazines. To me, those 200 pages were the solution to all my problems, all my questions, and the cure for my mind-controlling urge for science. I spent, what seemed to be, hours looking through each section, but didn't manage to find anything useful. It was way past my 9 o clock bedtime, but as my dad came to tuck me into my Spiderman sheets, I hid the book underneath the pillow and impatiently waited for him to leave. Once again, I pulled out the encyclopedia and started looking for useful information. Still...nothing. (To this day, I am still surprised about how I managed to clear out all the "normal 10 year old" thoughts, and focus on how to help my Grandmother). As I hopelessly stared at the many posters on my wall, I realized that the only way I could solve this issue is by asking other people. I bounced out of bed imitating Spiderman and ran straight to my parent's room. The urgency of the situation was invisible to me up until the point where my parents jumped out of their seats, much like Spiderman as well, and hurried to my grandmother. I can clearly remember seeing the, calm but slightly distorted, look on her face as we walked in. She was at the primary stages of having an ischemic stroke. That day taught me a myriad of life lessons that I still utilize in my everyday life. Yes, I was a young child. Yes, I had an endless passion for knowledge. But I learned that the importance of communication in our lives is more than the fundamental tool for developing mankind. Without it, humans will be drowned in the abyss of ignorance.

That day marked a milestone in my life, as I took my fascination with science and allowed it to blossom into a future pathway entering the complex world of medicine.

My passion for medicine and science will grow with me through every stage of my life, along with the need to glean knowledge from every moment, every event and every person I meet. To be fair, I am half pharaoh, from my Egyptian side, and half vampire, from my Romanian side, giving me the gift of healing and the persistence to succeed.

Here are some things I noticed:

It was an Egyptian winter day around the middle of January; people in the streets were buried in many layers of heavy clothing to protect their bodies from the "bone-chilling" 12 degrees Celsius (this is considered extreme cold when you live in Egypt) - I think with bone-chilling, an explanation isn't needed.

Returning home from soccer practice, I followed the inviting smell of Romanian food into the kitchen. I found my grandmother standing by the stove in her beige knitted pullover and checkered skirt. - Is this an uniform for her?

I recognized that she was cooking my favorite homemade dish stuffed cabbage rolls. , which happened to be my favorite homemade dish.

I say start the scene with you following the smell into the kitchen then noticing your grandmother's face. After that, speak on the research and how hopeless you felt since you were unable to help. Then, end with how your curiosity in terms of science transitioned into an interest in medicine.

I really like how you set up the scene wit your grandmother and the kitchen. It is really vivid imagery.

Yes, I was a young child. Yes, I had an endless passion for knowledge. , with an endless passion for knowledge.

You mentioned that one of the life lessons that you learned was communication, but you only slightly touched upon it. I think you can expand more of what you learned that day and how those life lessons lead you to the path of medicine.

Thanks for all your corrections. Below is the revised version of the essay. Can you please tell me if you think this essay is powerful and if it catches your attention right away. Also i would like to know if it fully answers the prompt. Thanks again :)

It was an Egyptian winter day around the middle of January; people in the streets were buried in many layers of heavy clothing to protect their bodies from the "bone-chilling" 12 degrees Celsius, which is considered extreme cold when you live in Egypt. Returning home from soccer practice, I followed the inviting smell of Romanian food into the kitchen. I found my grandmother standing by the stove in a beige knitted pullover and checkered skirt. Snowy, our white Persian cat sauntered between her frail legs as if he was guarding her.

"How was practice?" She asked.

When she spoke I sensed a slur in her speech that wasn't present beforehand and as I moved away to have a clear look at her, I became aware that the left side of her face was slightly drooping.

Confusion and shock engulfed my mind but I was careful not to show any of my feelings to avoid worrying her.
With a forced smile on my 10-year-old face, I replied,
"I scored 2 goals today!"

Being a young child I didn't really understand the cause of this abnormality, but I knew something was wrong. The image of my grandmother's face did not leave my thoughts, and I was more than curious to find out why this was happening to her. The words of my mother telling me to take care of my grandmother resonated through my mind. I felt the responsibility push down on my shoulders. But my first instinct was to look for my "First Human Body Encyclopedia," amongst the piles of comic books and soccer magazines. To me, those 200 pages were my safe haven, the solution to my questions and the cure to my mind-controlling urge for science.

I spent what seemed to be hours looking through each section with no result. It was already past my bedtime and my parents weren't home to tell me otherwise. Sleep was not an option for me; my mind was occupied with a mission to fix my grandmothers face, but nothing seemed to come my way. I felt hopeless and all I wanted was to be the superhero that saved the day. As I desperately stared at the many posters on my wall, I realized that the only way I could solve this issue is by asking other people, the sound of my parents entering my home was like music to my ears. I bounced out of bed imitating Spiderman and ran straight to the front door. The urgency of the situation was unveiled as I witnessed my mother rush to my grandmother's room. I can clearly remember seeing the, calm but slightly distorted, look on her face as we walked in. She was in the primary stages of an ischemic stroke.

After all the only power I needed was the power of communication. I was a young child with an endless passion for knowledge, and determination to help those close to my heart. But I learned that the importance of communication in our lives is more than just the fundamental tool for developing mankind. It can save lives, generate thought and eliminate boundaries. Without it, humans will drown in the abyss of ignorance.

That day also marked a milestone in my life, as I took my fascination with science and allowed it to blossom into a future pathway entering the complex world of medicine. My curiosity for science along with my interest in helping others gives me the opportunity to thrive in a field where these factors support its existence.

My passion for medicine and science will grow with me through every stage of my life, along with the need to glean knowledge from every moment, every event and every person I meet. To be fair, I am half pharaoh, from my Egyptian side, and half vampire, from my Romanian side, giving me the gift of healing and the persistence to succeed.