"I faced my fears" - College Admission Test Essay

can someone help me out on my essay..

this is my draft... i'm never good at writing essays

As i was a kid, i lack the confidence to reach what i aim for.I was shy and silent, i was the kid who never started conversations.

When i grew Older,I improved my self esteem and increase my confidence by facing my fears, forgetting all failures and learning from them. I became an assertive person, i always look up to my goal of finishing my school and having a stable job, even if i don't excel much at school, i still give what i can to prove to myself that i can do it to make my family proud of me . For me it's thinking outside the box by going out your comfort zone and immersing yourself in an unimaginably different experience, that makes you somehow see yourself mor clearly. To contribute a big part in this school.

Im looking forward that this school will improve me even more academically and make me perform more socially.

I would change as to when and lack to "lacked" and aim to "aimed"
I think "When I was a kid, I lacked the confidence to reach what i aimed for is better"
"Older" should be older. and improve should be "improved"
I became an assertive person, i always look (looked) up to my goal of finishing my school and having a stable job, even if i don't(didn't) excel much at school, i still give what i can to prove to myself that i can(could) do it to make (which) my family proud of me . For me it's thinking outside the box by going out your comfort zone and immersing yourself in an unimaginably different experience, that makes you somehow see yourself mor (more) clearly. To contribute a big part in this school.

Im looking forward that this school will improve me even more academically and make me perform more socially.

Hi.

I understand that it is difficult in school once you felt that you are being left out and admire your faith in the new school life.


Elaborate more on how you want to contribute. This will make your essay more convincing.

G L~

clark,

I think you should show instead of stating the facts.

Like when you wrote,

As i was a kid, i lack the confidence to reach what i aim for.I was shy and silent, i was the kid who never started conversations.

When i grew Older,I improved my self esteem and increase my confidence by facing my fears, forgetting all failures and learning from them

ok. here. How did you change from a shy, introvert, weak to a confident, strong person. There must be a
cause to bring about that significant change. Elaborate on that.

When I was a kid, I lack the confidence to reach what I aim for.

I was shy and silent, i was the kid who never started conversations.--- this is a run on sentence.

Don't capitalize older:
When i grew Older,I ...

Be consistent: improved ----> increased
...improved my self esteem and increased my confidence by facing my fears, forgetting all failures and learning from them.----- Now this is a very good sentence!!!

I became an assertive person, i always look up to my goal of finishing my school and having a stable job., even if i don't excel much at school, i still but I give what I can to prove to myself that i can do it to...--- I took out the part about not doing well. :-)