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Facts I discover from my health care experience and my childhood - common app

djwasimani 1 / 1  
Aug 28, 2011   #1
I remember in childhood I was always thought to be helpful to others, visited the sick or injured people spend time with them ask them if they need anything? Those culture thoughts always stayed with me and day by day I am getting involved with people. I believe that what brings fulfillment to one person is not necessarily what makes another happy. Just like beauty is in the eyes of the beholder the fulfillment in my eyes comes from helping and caring for people. I desire to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant in order to fully use my talents, capacities and potentials to be in service of others.

During my undergraduate year while I am attending school fulltime I was working as a fulltime too as a sales person. This tremendous amount of pressure did effect on my school performance; However, the work experience thought me great communication skills and dealing with people. During my senior of my college I began to actively devote my spare time to volunteering at the Doctor office in New York. There I have the opportunity to constantly interact with patients and observed the work of doctor. To explore my knowledge and become familiar with hospital life I enrolled myself in volunteering Kings Brook Jewish Medical Center. There I was involved in Health Literacy Program and working with direct patient care in dialysis room and also observing the doctors and nurses when they are dealing with patients. I expend my knowledge with research and did internship in Brookhaven National Laboratory twice in consecutive years. My great achievement was to publish a paper which had been recognize in international level and presented that paper in AAA Science exhibition. I was rewarded by the CEO of Department of Energy.

Day by day my interest was growing to be in the PA program. I applied twice to PA Program but I guess my undergraduate performance was in competitive amongst other students. I knew this is I wanted, it is my goal no matter what I will achieve that and I enrolled into Master program of Long Island University in New York. I knew I have to prove myself, I have to show my enthusiasm, my eager and dream to become PA. As I am continuing in Medical Microbiology field and keeping my cumulative GPA of 3.5 I was also a Teaching Assistant of Anatomy. Being a TA of Anatomy refresh and explore my knowledge of human body. I work side by side with professor and help students.

Living in New York is expensive and I needed other source of income to support my family. While doing all these I continued to working and learning communication skills.
amrosca 4 / 130  
Aug 28, 2011   #2
Hei there! :)

Below are some corrections. It would be best if you would rewrite it and then put it up for a second correction.

Perhaps you might want to check some of the prepositions some verbs require. I know they can be really annoying at times, but you end up using them a lot, so it's an important part of grammar to master.

Also, keep in mind that when you are referring to past events in an essay you must be using the past tense. Take the time to make a short revision on the simple past and the past continuous, since those are employed most of the time.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask them.
Good luck!

* - to expend (vb.) = to use up (e.g.: They expended time and money on their project with no result.)
*- to expand (vb.) = to increase, to broaden, to grow in extent
OP djwasimani 1 / 1  
Aug 28, 2011   #3
amrosca. Thank you very much do you think this essay sounds convincing
isabellaclaudia 14 / 31  
Aug 28, 2011   #4
hello, i think your essay is quite convincing in the sense that you manage to develop the ideas smoothly and make it flow.

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