I wrote the following on 26th December, Christmas
I value your opinion more than anything else on the planet!!
As Common Application, essay of your choice
Intending to apply to selective LACs (Dart, CMC, Bowdoin), Cornell, Gtown. And some safe schools
N: Hey.
M: Hmm?
N: Asleep?
M: Asleep.
N: Then I'd better evanesce.
M: How to not be a failure?
N: Why you think you're a failure?
M: Because I received only 3 Christmas cards.
N: I see.
M: What?
N: I know, deep down your heart, you want to be loved more than anything. That's also why you then guilted yourself for putting off the "write xmas cards" to-do because of all the application stuff you put off until now.
N: The floodgates broken, you recalled the friendships you screwed up, and you thought you're gonna end up nowhere anyway because of the AP English and the transcript and such. So you just collapsed and left all to-dos deadly idle. You didn't even find help because you were afraid you'd disappoint yourself by disappointing others.
N: Or, I think, you're abusing melancholy.
M: I thought my subconscious is supposed to cheer me up.
N: I am! By the way I'm your NOTEBOOK, not subconscious.
M: Which? DIARY, CALCULUS, TO-DO LIST...?
N: All. And I was just summarising your recent catharsis.
M: (Sigh) I think my worst habit is procrastination.
N: It is.
M: I DON'T WANT TO!!!
I don't want myself falling prey to my own emotions! I'm like the last college applicant on EARTH who has this problem!
N: Then you need to learn self control.
M: So I told myself! But I keep failing...it is so hard. Why can't I just give up and find an easier path?
N: Because you have goals. To annihilate otherness, for example.
M: Tell me what's the point of life, then.
N: Yours being?
M: Life is like a blanket too short.
N: Dead Poets Society.
M: At the brink of sweetness of dream and cold darkness of reality, you yank it and curl up and brutalise it again; pointlessly trying to keep warm, to get rid of the night as soon as possible, only to find your soul miserable.
N: Maybe life is like your own house.
You keep building it and deciding and repairing it; so as to house your soul or to house others', to show off, to sell it sometime after death - or for no reason at all.
M: ...
Most everyone had moments doubting what s/he's good at, or what's the purpose of his/her existence. Including the folks screening your application, too.
M They do? Adults don't seem to worry that at all.
N: They do. Remember Vincent?
M: Yeah, my best friend who attempted a suicide 2 years ago just like the young Werther.
N: In your book, although he's flawed in many ways, he's also the most special friend you know.
M: ...I get your point.
N: No you didn't. Now tell me more failures.
M: I think I'm immature. Like getting caught eating in classroom, et cetera.
N: Isn't having a mid-life crisis over the 17th Christmas super mature? What is mature?
M: And the only things I'm good at are those which don't require life experience. Like studying - not exactly, I failed AP English.
N: So you're saying you're good at something but not everything?
M: Alright! You're only my notebook! Perspectives, right?
But you're just telling me to bury my head in the sand!
N: No! It's faith!
What you did was burying yourself in an ocean of failure and letting the dark oily ink eat away your soul.
N: Icarus, just never, never, never give up. By not giving up I mean not losing yourself in THAT ocean again.
N: Remember you used to do track - quite good at long-distances I heard - but you gave up until this year?
M: Because I needed to study.
N: I am your notebook!
You want to be strong. You want to be fast. But reality was you couldn't always outrun everyone and when you failed, you'd easily lose breath or give up altogether.
M: ...I had wanted to be the first, but I didn't want the hardship.
N: You doubted your goal because you doubted the means.
M: I didn't doubt the hardship. I just disliked it!
And maybe I don't want to be the first.
N: You doubted your goal because you doubted the means.
M: ...
N: What have you learnt now that you resumed working out every day?
M: That I could always beat myself and endure the distance at my own pace, and by faith, however long the race.
...Thanks for reminding me.
N: And you said Life is tough...
M: ...But I'm tougher.
M&N: ...
M: You know, sometimes you get cold and grey
N: Remember Vincent?
M: What?
N: You discovered because of his status update on MSN, and you helped him out, didn't you?
M: A friend in need is a friend indeed.
N: Listen: friends really are human, who, like you, will change and want to be cared for. Just send hearty messages to them and you'll be surprised how many will reply - Don't be afraid! You kindhearted and sincere fool.
And don't think you can please everyone either. That's no less foolish.
M: I wrote these words, you theft.
N: Remember the warmth rushing to your eyes that evening when your father suddenly told you not to push yourself too hard?
M: And my mother too. You know I miss her whenever I am lost.
N: I knew you had screwed up your relationship with her before...
M: I won't write my letters on notebooks again.
N: ...That's painful to remember, but now you're mature enough to empathise and even correspond with her - that's a remarkable thing you should pride yourself on.
M: Their love is unconditional - it's amazing.
N: Always has and always will - don't be a cliché.
M: Anything more?
N: Remember a hot shower?
M: A mid winter night sleep.
N: An exhausted gym workout.
M: Even a cuddle.
N: Mind your language, son.
M: (Smiling)
N: Oh. One last thing. You said you want to take a gap year to travel. New Zealand then the Middle East?
M: M-hm. To find my faith. To mature, you know.
N: You know, there are things you can't "acquire" out of the blue, from wise people or thick books, by introspecting or by travelling. Maybe they have been...diffusing into your life - you usually "realise" you'd had them there, don't you?
M: There's a term for it, right?
N: Que sera, sera.
N: Meanwhile, you'd better do your part and keep the artistic faculty of your brain at bay.
M: Oh. How can I not be a failure again? I forgot.
N: FAITH!
M: Haha.
Zzz.
N: (Sigh.)
M: Reading you is like holding a roll of film.
N: Instants became permanent.
M: ...
Thank you. Zzz.
I value your opinion more than anything else on the planet!!
As Common Application, essay of your choice
Intending to apply to selective LACs (Dart, CMC, Bowdoin), Cornell, Gtown. And some safe schools
N: Hey.
M: Hmm?
N: Asleep?
M: Asleep.
N: Then I'd better evanesce.
M: How to not be a failure?
N: Why you think you're a failure?
M: Because I received only 3 Christmas cards.
N: I see.
M: What?
N: I know, deep down your heart, you want to be loved more than anything. That's also why you then guilted yourself for putting off the "write xmas cards" to-do because of all the application stuff you put off until now.
N: The floodgates broken, you recalled the friendships you screwed up, and you thought you're gonna end up nowhere anyway because of the AP English and the transcript and such. So you just collapsed and left all to-dos deadly idle. You didn't even find help because you were afraid you'd disappoint yourself by disappointing others.
N: Or, I think, you're abusing melancholy.
M: I thought my subconscious is supposed to cheer me up.
N: I am! By the way I'm your NOTEBOOK, not subconscious.
M: Which? DIARY, CALCULUS, TO-DO LIST...?
N: All. And I was just summarising your recent catharsis.
M: (Sigh) I think my worst habit is procrastination.
N: It is.
M: I DON'T WANT TO!!!
I don't want myself falling prey to my own emotions! I'm like the last college applicant on EARTH who has this problem!
N: Then you need to learn self control.
M: So I told myself! But I keep failing...it is so hard. Why can't I just give up and find an easier path?
N: Because you have goals. To annihilate otherness, for example.
M: Tell me what's the point of life, then.
N: Yours being?
M: Life is like a blanket too short.
N: Dead Poets Society.
M: At the brink of sweetness of dream and cold darkness of reality, you yank it and curl up and brutalise it again; pointlessly trying to keep warm, to get rid of the night as soon as possible, only to find your soul miserable.
N: Maybe life is like your own house.
You keep building it and deciding and repairing it; so as to house your soul or to house others', to show off, to sell it sometime after death - or for no reason at all.
M: ...
Most everyone had moments doubting what s/he's good at, or what's the purpose of his/her existence. Including the folks screening your application, too.
M They do? Adults don't seem to worry that at all.
N: They do. Remember Vincent?
M: Yeah, my best friend who attempted a suicide 2 years ago just like the young Werther.
N: In your book, although he's flawed in many ways, he's also the most special friend you know.
M: ...I get your point.
N: No you didn't. Now tell me more failures.
M: I think I'm immature. Like getting caught eating in classroom, et cetera.
N: Isn't having a mid-life crisis over the 17th Christmas super mature? What is mature?
M: And the only things I'm good at are those which don't require life experience. Like studying - not exactly, I failed AP English.
N: So you're saying you're good at something but not everything?
M: Alright! You're only my notebook! Perspectives, right?
But you're just telling me to bury my head in the sand!
N: No! It's faith!
What you did was burying yourself in an ocean of failure and letting the dark oily ink eat away your soul.
N: Icarus, just never, never, never give up. By not giving up I mean not losing yourself in THAT ocean again.
N: Remember you used to do track - quite good at long-distances I heard - but you gave up until this year?
M: Because I needed to study.
N: I am your notebook!
You want to be strong. You want to be fast. But reality was you couldn't always outrun everyone and when you failed, you'd easily lose breath or give up altogether.
M: ...I had wanted to be the first, but I didn't want the hardship.
N: You doubted your goal because you doubted the means.
M: I didn't doubt the hardship. I just disliked it!
And maybe I don't want to be the first.
N: You doubted your goal because you doubted the means.
M: ...
N: What have you learnt now that you resumed working out every day?
M: That I could always beat myself and endure the distance at my own pace, and by faith, however long the race.
...Thanks for reminding me.
N: And you said Life is tough...
M: ...But I'm tougher.
M&N: ...
M: You know, sometimes you get cold and grey
N: Remember Vincent?
M: What?
N: You discovered because of his status update on MSN, and you helped him out, didn't you?
M: A friend in need is a friend indeed.
N: Listen: friends really are human, who, like you, will change and want to be cared for. Just send hearty messages to them and you'll be surprised how many will reply - Don't be afraid! You kindhearted and sincere fool.
And don't think you can please everyone either. That's no less foolish.
M: I wrote these words, you theft.
N: Remember the warmth rushing to your eyes that evening when your father suddenly told you not to push yourself too hard?
M: And my mother too. You know I miss her whenever I am lost.
N: I knew you had screwed up your relationship with her before...
M: I won't write my letters on notebooks again.
N: ...That's painful to remember, but now you're mature enough to empathise and even correspond with her - that's a remarkable thing you should pride yourself on.
M: Their love is unconditional - it's amazing.
N: Always has and always will - don't be a cliché.
M: Anything more?
N: Remember a hot shower?
M: A mid winter night sleep.
N: An exhausted gym workout.
M: Even a cuddle.
N: Mind your language, son.
M: (Smiling)
N: Oh. One last thing. You said you want to take a gap year to travel. New Zealand then the Middle East?
M: M-hm. To find my faith. To mature, you know.
N: You know, there are things you can't "acquire" out of the blue, from wise people or thick books, by introspecting or by travelling. Maybe they have been...diffusing into your life - you usually "realise" you'd had them there, don't you?
M: There's a term for it, right?
N: Que sera, sera.
N: Meanwhile, you'd better do your part and keep the artistic faculty of your brain at bay.
M: Oh. How can I not be a failure again? I forgot.
N: FAITH!
M: Haha.
Zzz.
N: (Sigh.)
M: Reading you is like holding a roll of film.
N: Instants became permanent.
M: ...
Thank you. Zzz.