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'when my family broke' - VT short answer


bbrunette312 2 / 7  
Sep 26, 2011   #1
So i have to write a short response for a "If there is something you think would be beneficial for the Admissions Committee to know as we review your academic history, please take this opportunity to explain." I think this fits please let me know what you think

When I think of the word "family," I think of unity, but when I think of my "family" I think of broken. You see my oldest sister gave birth to my niece, Allison, on December 4, 2009. Incapable of taking care of her, Ali came to my home 2 days later. With both of my parents working they were unsure of being able to raise a 10th child. My sister, Megan, and I decided that we would do whatever we could to help. We set up a crib in her room and were up at all hours with Ali, even if this meant I had a test the next morning. [...]

Paul Jo 6 / 29  
Sep 26, 2011   #2
I couldn't see any keen insight in your essay. Academic history is barely mentioned.

You gave insufficient explanation what influence did your family situation affected you.

I corrected some grammatical errors. Please carefully revise your essay.

I think of broken - I think of breakdown. Since you said unity, I think it's better to replace broken with a noun to make a parallel sentence.

even if this meant I had a test the next morning - what are you trying to say by inserting 'this'?

everything was perfect up until the other grandparents - everything was perfect when other grandparents

won due to their attorney telling my parents - won because their attorney told my parents

if Ali were never to be born my grades would be better - if Ali had never been born, my grade would have been better

:)
OP bbrunette312 2 / 7  
Sep 27, 2011   #3
Yeah i tried mentioning as much as possible its just that it has to be under 250 words... ill probs just use it as a free response option

Thanks!!!
Sophya 3 / 10  
Sep 28, 2011   #4
You don't really have to mention specified date, do you? This will help you save a lot of words.
Editor1010 9 / 33  
Oct 12, 2011   #6
When I think of the word "family," I think of unity, but when I think of my "family" I think of broken. You see My oldest sister gave birth to my niece, Allison, on December 4, 2009. Incapable of taking care of her, Ali came to my home 2two days later. With both of my parents working they were unsure of being able to raise a 10th child.reword this it's kind of confusing, try : With both of my parents working, they were unsure if they'd be able to raise a tenth child.

Do not talk to the write try not to use you. Your use of pronouns is quite confusing, I didn't make everything I edited red, so you have to read it to see what I changed I hope you like it :)


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