Family's impact on my education/ Common App

i got like an hour to submit my stuff. i already posted a bigger first essay that if you would not mind looking at too, could help me grately.

it is hard doing one in only 250 words but this is what i came up with. i dont know how to change the ending without going over 250 words

Briefly discuss how your family, school, neighborhood, and background have impacted your educational goals and aspirations.

My family has always been strong believers in good education. My father always dreamed of going to collage but never could. Ever since I was little I was told that I was going to go to high school, graduate, go to college and start my career. This goal of achieving higher education has been kept in the family ever since. Now, a few years later, I am about to complete high school and start in collage where I will spend four years dedicating myself to the art of learning to gain knowledge about computer and technology related subjects. This aspiration towards technology is also deeply rooted in my background. As far back as I can remember my brothers were always enraged by advances in technology, whether it be the home PC in the 90s or the growing popularity of the Internet to the public, I have always been awed by great achievements that come in technology. Since then I grew up using and learning the PC, then the internet and once I was older, the cellphone, various software, operating systems and more. These interests lead me to try to create a few things of my own like developing a video game when I was only in seventh grade, not great but I managed to do it, and more recently learning the components of a pc while building one myself. I am always surrounded with technology, by using it and even selling it at my job in Best Buy.

He is not going to do arts, so I guess "college"?


how about this? "I was going to go to high school, to graduate, to go to college, and to start my career"


I would use "the" here


long and wordy. Try this. Now, a few years later, I am about to enroll in college where I will spend four years dedicating myself learning, and, hence, gain knowledge about computer and technology.


Just "as far as I can remember"


Enraged? This word means make very angry. I think you go the wrong word here, probably engaged or excited or passionate?


you are substituting "advances in technology" which is plural with "it". Which is wrong, change it and make them agree.


Bad parallel structure and awkward sentenced, change this sentence.
try this "Since then I grew up using and learning about the PC and the internet, and once I was older I learned and used cellphones, various software, operating systems, and much more"


badly worded you should rewrite this whole sentence.

Finally, after reading your essay. WHAT IS YOUR FREAKING ASPIRATION OR DREAM? OR EDUCATIONAL GOAL? just attending college is not a great educational goal, use your education to improve the world is an good educational goal. I cannot stress it more enough, answer the prompt.

Help with this essay too, please.

linting2012
thanks for the info

Final Draft for Small 250 word Essay. Please Look Over it one last time!!!

Briefly discuss how your family, school, neighborhood, and background have impacted your educational goals and aspirations.

My passion towards technology is deeply rooted in my family and my childhood in Mexico. Since an early age, my older brothers were always fascinated by the magic of computers. Even though we were poor and hence had no computer of our own, we followed all news regarding technological breakthroughs. Whenever the chance came to visit the United States, my brothers and I spent hours learning about all the different computers at the local Best Buy; for us Best Buys were like museums with everlasting knowledge and new inventions. Being poor, although depriving us from computers, it did not take away our passion and my particular aspiration to eventually obtain a degree in Computer Science. This passion, deeply rooted in my experience as a kid, has only grown ever since. It has led me to develop a creativity to build things of my own, like developing a modest video game when I was only in seventh grade, and more recently, a state-of-the-art PC from scratch. Since as a child I had experienced the humble conditions of poor nations firsthand, I aspire to eventually use my passion and creativity to give back to society by developing technologies more accessible to low-income families. I aspire to develop new technologies that will help the world for the better. There is no better path to arrive at that goal than by joining a great university like CU Boulder.

I think its pretty damn perfect tbh. You tie everything in very neatly (your family, your Mexican background, your poverty, your interest in technology).

The only thing I'd say mention is that you could maybe state in a little more detail why you specifically want to go to Boulder, rather than just saying it is a great school. 'There is no better path to arrive at that goal than by joining a great university like CU Boulder.'

Just a suggestion, it'd still be pretty damn good if you left it though.

Good luck! I'm applying there too.