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My fencing world teaches me to work diligently on things that I am passionate about - UC prompt 1


abc81012 1 / 1  
Nov 25, 2015   #1
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"En garde, pręts, allez!" Fencing seems to happen at the speed of light to many people, but, at that moment, everything in front of me slows down. "44-44" displays on the scoreboard. Whoever gets the next point his team will win. Being the youngest team and ranked last, is beating the second-ranked team possible? I think so.

Most of the nights, you can find my teammates and me at OlympiaFencingClub, drowning the floor with our sweat from six to nine o'clock. Practice wasn't fun: endless footwork, blade work, and drills. I often woke up with many sore muscles in the morning. Sometimes, I wished I could stay at home and watch soccer. My friends didn't understand, when they asked me to a movie, why I always had to respond, "Sorry I can't. Have practice tonight."

What pushes me and my teammates back to our second home every night is the dedication and loyalty the fencing community feels for one another. We all share the same hunger and dedication for success. We train with each other, providing encouragements and advice for improvements. Sacrificing our weekends and driving to New York or flying to Portland to fence in tournaments, we never complain. In tournaments, we coach and cheer for each other when any club member is on the strip. When a teammate scores, our whole club screams with excitement as if we were on the strip with our teammate.

"Focus!" my coach yells. My teammates have done their jobs to put me in this position. As the captain, my job is to finish this bout. I lunge! Screams break out behind my back. Without looking at the scoreboard, I know we've upset the second-ranked team and taken third place in the biggest New England fencing tournament.

The world of fencing teaches me to work diligently on things that I am passionate about no matter how difficult the process may be. In college, I wish to explore something that I'm as passionate for as for fencing and dedicate myself into that area in order to success and excel in that area.

What do you guys think? Do you think it answers the prompt well?

halokenisis 3 / 11 4  
Nov 25, 2015   #2
Hey Alan. I enjoyed reading it and I think you answered the prompt very well when it came to the 'world.' However, there needs to be more 'how it shaped your dreams and aspirations.'

Maybe, justify the first assertion you make in the last paragraph with something else that you do in your every day life and maybe how it'll help you achieve your dreams.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 25, 2015   #3
Alan, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.

- drowning the floor with our sweat from six to nine o'clock.
- I often wokewake up with many sore muscles in the morning.

- Portland to fence in tournaments, we never complain.
- I wish to explore something that I'm as passionate for as forabout like fencing
- and dedicate myself into that area in order to successsucceed and excel in thatthis area.

Alan, your dedication to the craft and to whatever you put your heart into, you will definitely succeed, you reap what you saw, this is absolutely true and it

happens in real life. Going back to your essay, aside from the minor corrections I made above, your essay is written well and I wish

you the best of luck in this endeavor.
hasdymath 11 / 25  
Nov 25, 2015   #4
hi, well, your writing is well, but you need some reviews. let me help you out in your last paragraph.

The world of fencing teaches me ...

In last paragraph. You need to show what you have mentioned before, or we call it conclusion. My advice is
'give readers you are in a conclusion such as in conclusion, all in all, to sum up etc'. in addition, to establish a sense of closure, you might do one or more of the following:

- Conclude by linking the last paragraph to the first, perhaps by reiterating a word or phrase you used at the beginning.
- Conclude with a sentence composed mainly of one-syllable words. Simple language can help create an effect of understated drama.
- Conclude with a sentence that's compound or parallel in structure; such sentences can establish a sense of balance or order that may feel just right at the end of a complex discussion.

- Don't simply summarize your essay. A brief summary of your argument may be useful, especially if your essay is long--more than ten pages or so. But shorter essays tend not to require a restatement of your main ideas.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 26, 2015   #5
Ala, while I admire your fencing skills and dedication to the sport of kings, it does not accurately respond to the prompt. The story that you have related does not exactly reflect how your dreams and aspirations in life were shaped by fencing. Does it relate to your chosen major in some way? If it doesn't I am not sure how applicable it can with regards to the prompt requirements. One of the problems that I see with your response is that you always offer a group response to certain activities rather than a singular response regarding the effect of the activity on you.

While I understand that fencing is a group sport in the sense that the score of one team member means a better chance of winning for the team, I don't see how this method of competing has affected your dreams and aspirations in life? Unless your aspiration in life is to become part of the national team and your dream is to play the sport in the Olympics that is.

You could try to revise the essay based upon the following line:
The world of fencing teaches me to work diligently on things that I am passionate about no matter how difficult the process may be. In college, I wish to explore something that I'm as passionate for as for fencing and dedicate myself into that area in order to success and excel in that area.

You obviously were personally influenced by the fencing world. So rather than pointing out the negative, like not being able to go to the movies with your friends because of practice, try to discuss the positive influence the sport has had on you. Just you. Not the whole team. By putting the spotlight on your dreams and aspirations and the way that fencing has influenced that aspect of your personality, you will have bene able to revise the essay to offer better prompt adherence.
OP abc81012 1 / 1  
Nov 26, 2015   #6
Thank you for your inputs. I think one of the problems is I haven't really decided what I want to be in the future. I am going to apply as an undecided student, so I am not exactly sure what my "dream and aspirations" would be. What should I do?

The reason I focused on the group during most of the essay is because I was trying to display the "community" that I come from. Do you think I should foucus more on myself?
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 26, 2015   #7
Well Alan, to help you out in this matter, the focus of the essay should be you as the writer and the doer of the action, however,

what the essay is asking from you is your actions towards greater community welfare and to be able to do that,
you have to have a definite plan that soon will be executed once you get admission to the institution.

The only thing with you is that you're still indecisive on what you want to pursue and this is somehow affecting your application, however, you don't have to decide now, I mean, a lot of students have decided what they want to pursue in college, but is that what they really want and what they want to pursue in life, sometimes, or shall I say, most of the time, not really, most of the time, students and people in general, find things, develop interests and discover a great deal of options in life, so you see, it's not really a bad thing to be indecisive.

I believe all you have to do is, draw your essay to focus on who you are and what you can contribute to the institution and you will be fine.

Good Luck!!!


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