Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
Of course spelling/grammatical corrections are ALWAYS welcome! I'd also appreciate any insights you might provide on the content and style. I'd especially like to know if the piece answers the question while giving the reader a sense of who I am. =) Thanks for taking the time.
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I was a sensitive kid; Adults fondly teased that I was an "empath," somehow innately aware of the mental states of those around me. I didn't understand where this special ability came from, but I was grateful that it allowed me to sense when my friends and family needed someone to talk to. When I was 13 years old, my mother was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and possible borderline personality disorder. I grew to understand that her often erratic behavior had taught me at an early age to be sensitive to minute changes in peoples' moods. I finally understood where my unique ability came from. I was awed and humbled that the ability that had brought me so much joy could have arisen from my mother's painful emotional turmoil. From that point forward, I was fascinated by psychology. I bought and borrowed every "pop psychology" book I could find. I searched library used book sales for bargains on old college text books. While my classmates flipped through the pages of Seventeen and CosmoGirl, I poured over articles about gender differences, nonverbal communication and relationship dynamics. By age 15, I knew that I wanted to become a psychologist.
In 2002, I began to work for multiple medical clinics in the area. In my line of work, a missed deadline could jeopardize the livelihoods of many of my co-workers and cause patients to lose insurance benefits. Being responsible for such a key role in medical clinics for six years taught me to be disciplined and manage my time efficiently. In the course of my work, I reviewed and summarized psychiatric medical records detailing evaluations, treatment methods and final diagnoses. During visits to the offices, I was able to speak with therapists and psychiatrists who worked directly with patients. This vital access to professionals in the field gave me the opportunity to learn about biofeedback techniques and the core psychological principles of pain management. Working in such close proximity to my life's passion has only reaffirmed my desire to continue my education.
In watching my mother's struggle with her condition, I have come to believe in the value of an empathetic and compassionate professional in facilitating growth and healing. My experiences in the workforce have taught me the importance of hard work and having clear priorities. I believe that the insights I have gained through living with a loved-one suffering from a mental disorder give me a unique perspective. I believe that I can only achieve personal fulfillment and professional success through service to others and I want to transfer into a B.A. program so that I can continue to study psychology and hopefully, one day, be able to offer the level and quality of care that I would have liked my mother to have received.
I was a sensitive kid. Adults fondly teased that I was... I changed this to a period, seeing 'adults' was capitalized.
I was awed and humbled by the fact that this ability...This seems to make the sentence flow better.
In 2002, I began to work for multiple medical clinics in the area. In my line of work,...What was your job there?
...clinics for six years taught me to be disciplined and to manage my time efficiently.
My experiences in the workforce have taught me the importance of hard work and having clear priorities.
I believe that the insights I have gained through living with a loved one suffering...
Here is a place where a long sentence would be good:
When I was 13 years old, my mother was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and possible borderline personality disorder, and I grew to understand that her often erratic behavior had taught me at an early age to be sensitive to minute changes in peoples' moods.
That way, you don't have ne sentence (the one about her diagnosis) that seems out of place in the paragraph.
Or you can use a semi-colon:
When I was 13 years old, my mother was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and possible borderline personality disorder; I grew to understand that her often erratic behavior had taught me at an early age to be sensitive to minute changes in peoples' moods.----- it keeps the sentences together because they go together.
Thanks very much, Susan and Kevin. I really appreciate the feedback. I'll make those changes =)
Somayeh
i think your essay covers exactly what needs to be covered in a trasnfer essay. the one thing i would look out for, besides grammar, are your transitions. maybe it's just me, but i thought you're paragraphs were a bit choppy.
