So, this is a really rough draft I wrote last night. I have been struggling with the prompt as I am not used to talking about myself at all. I feel that is kind of reflected in my essay, as I spend the first paragraph explaining anthropological terms... But anyway, please, any criticism, advice, etc... (especially pertaining to content) would be extremely helpful! I worry it gets a little too after-school-special at some points haha.
Also, something I would like to talk about in the other essay is my struggle with mental illness. However, I have been advised against this by some because it will apparently make me seem weak and not ready for college. Any opinions on this? This is a fairly important part of my life that I have learned a lot from, after all.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
In anthropology, there is a term often used to describe the 'old' techniques. Aptly named 'armchair anthropology', it refers to when anthropologists were all white men who sat around and 'theorized' about the exotic brown people and what they were like. They rarely ever had first hand experience with their 'subject' of study, and they certainly did not particularly try to relate to them. Instead they read books and judged their subjects on the basis of their own culture- for example, a person from a society where tattoos are taboo would consider a tattooed individual barbaric, even if in that individual's own society to be tattooed is acceptable for a variety of reasons. This is called ethnocentrism, believing your culture to be the 'right' one.
While academically this is outdated and 'relativism' anthropology is the norm (studying a culture based on its own values, not on another's), judging others on your own values is still a problem I see often in today's society, leading to many conflicts. However, I was lucky in that 'relativism' was instilled in me since the day I was born, and am able to view people and their actions without including me in the picture.
Growing up, I was the only white Jewish child in a mostly Mexican and Asian community. While stories like these, growing up the only something in a community of something else, usually end badly, I was extremely fortunate in only having a wonderful experience. Growing up, I gained a fascination with people. Why did they act the way they did? What did they believe? What differentiates one person from another? These questions in my head might have led me to an interest in psychology if I did not grow up with so many people with diverse identities. What began to interest me more than the actual people themselves were their back grounds. While all people are different, the culture they grow up in (such as ethnicity) or have come to be part of (such as sexuality) has a profound effect on them as well.
In my short life so far, I have seen people who have embraced, rejected, been ambivalent about, been hurt, and more by their identities. From a friend who found healing in religion to another who had depression partly caused by the same religion, culture in all its forms is such an important part of our lives. For this reason, I want to understand it. My goal in this life is to understand what makes people do what they do, and anthropology has been my source for understanding since I was young and learning why people spoke different languages to now, when I analyze why different groups sit together in the cafeteria.
When I was able to stop a group of friends (white, Asian and Mexican) from judging a group of other students who were African American for mostly staying together rather than branching out, I felt I had done a little more to increase understanding. What I want to do with this understanding is what people of all academic disciplines want to do: help make the world a better place. I want to do this by making people understand each other and be able to solve problems with this strategy. Too accomplish this would be immensely more satisfying than all the money in the world.
I haven't read your essay yet, and I will, but a comment on your question about your mental illness:
An essay like that might seem like a dangerous move, but if it is a very well written, carefully thought out essay, I don't feel that it would make you seem weak at all, especially if it is something that caused you to find a passion for something else, which I don't know that it did. My friend has a hormonal disorder, and it causes her to get awful acne, I mean awful, and she had to get medication and it ended up causing scars covering her entire body. And not little inconspicuous scars, really really noticeable scars. She wrote her UC essay on that, and alot of people told her that it was not a smart move and that it was too weird, but her essay was beautiful. It was so well written, that no one cared what it was about.
If you can pull off an essay that talks about that with amazingly strong writing, no one should consider you weak; not many people would be able to do that. At least that's my opinion.
After all of your questions in the second paragraph, I would scratch the following sentence: "These questions in my head might have led me to an interest in psychology if I did not grow up with so many people with diverse identities." It's not necessary.
This is just a personal stylistic preference but I would rearrange this sentence "My goal in this life is to understand what makes people do what they do, and anthropology has been my source for understanding since I was young and learning why people spoke different languages to now, when I analyze why different groups sit together in the cafeteria." to look more like this:
"My goal in this life is to understand what makes people do what they do and speak how they speak, starting from my childhood community to now in my own school cafeteria; anthropology has been my source for this since I was young and I believe it always will."
i love your last sentence, it is amazing (Except you used the wrong "to". You used "too" and it should only have 1 "O"). But, I'm not quite sure about the last paragraph as a whole. It is not as strong as the rest of the essay and it just doesn't fit. I'm not quite sure what advice to give you on how to change that, but maybe it has to do with just the first two sentences. Perhaps rearranging them or adding something would make them stronger? Right now I'm just not sure.
Great job and Good luck! :D
Oh and after reading your essay, I think if you decided you wanted to write your essay about your mental illness, you could definitely make it stunning. I don't think there would be any thoughts of you being weak because of it. Your writing is beautiful. in fact, I think I could really benefit from your help on my essay...it kind of needs it.
About your desire to write about your struggle with mental illness, I think it's a great idea. Although risky, it would really show who you are and what you've been through. Like you said, you learnt a lot from it so I'm sure it would be a good topic for prompt #2 as long as you make sure you don't sound like you want their sympathy.
I think there's something off about your introduction. Maybe make it shorter or join it with the second paragraph. I somehow can't feel how it connects to the gist of your essay.
In your second paragraph, I think you used the term 'growing up' too often. You could replace it with other phrases (I can't think of any right now, but I'm sure you can come up with your own) to add variety.
When I was able to stop a group of friends (white, Asian and Mexican) from judging a group of other students who were African American for mostly staying together rather than branching out, I felt I had done a little more to increase understanding.
I feel that the above sentence doesn't really connect well with the rest of the paragraph. Maybe elaborate on what you actually achieved when you stopped them from judging?
Overall, I enjoyed reading it, the topic's interesting :) You have good writing skills too, no apparent grammar mistakes except for the 'too' already mentioned by shmaceroo. Keep it up :D
