"Fashion" - an essay for the art institute of philadelphia

i want to know if what i wrote is understandable catches the readers attention and is a good essay to be sent out to the school

Question : "what are your career goals and how do you expect your education at the art institute of Philadelphia to help you attain them ? in what ways will you participate and commit to your education to be successful ?"

My answer :

The environment embraces your creativity, which is wonderful because I tend to wear my uniqueness on my sleeve. The Art Institute Of Philadelphia allows you to be open and provides a quality learning experience with that said Throughout the time I spend at the Institute I will participate in every way that I can so that my career will be a huge success such as Internship, Fashion Shows, Fashion Week and Assisting people around the campus with their sense of style. Often times sacrifices tend to come in and destroy things when it is in the mixture of life. Sacrificing will not be a problem with me because honestly all my life I have sacrificed something to get where I am now everyone should understand that not only does education come first but your career is at stake. I am aware that it will be important for me to surround myself in activities that is encouraging to my passion for fashion. Along the way I learned that I could also strive to become the Fashion Stylist, Fashion Merchandiser and Fashion Event Planner that I've always dreamed of, it was not until the end of my freshman year that I learned about The Art Institute, and its offers. Going to The Art Institute of Philadelphia , seems to be my ticket OUT of the doors of Tragedy and into the doors of Good Fortune. Fashion is unique and creative. Fashion also allows you to gain insight of the embrace it has over your creativity and imagination.From my understanding, after researching, I can attain a Bachelors of Arts, in Fashion design , Management and Marketing, within three years. After taking all the classes that are required for this career, I will be well prepared for what I enjoy doing, for a living. Buying, styling, and having the proper knowledge to become apart of the business that moves the world, Fashion !

This is a good essay. However, I would probably mention my goals first in the essay because I kind of got confused about what were your goals. Hope this helps! :)

Thanks . :)

I like the essay but there are some parts that sound akward


I think if you changed what you had to that part it would flow alittle better. :)

So i should just take that part out of the essay ?

You have two questions here, so you should answer in at least 2 paragraphs... one for each question. But then maybe you should also use a short intro paragraph to express a theme that connects the two big ideas together.

But anyway... use paragraphs! :-)

This part is confusing! --> The Art Institute Of Philadelphia allows you to be open and provides a quality learning experience with that said Throughout the time...--Maybe you need a period after the word experience? And you won't be capitalizing "throughout" unless it begins a sentence.

Your reason for wanting to go there is rather general. You could say the same thing about any decent school. Is there some professor at this school or some program of area of focus that is aligned with your own artistic aspirations? Do you admire the work of one of the professors or administrators, and if not, why not go learn from those whose work does resonate with you? You should answer in terms of your intellectual and artistic ideas... and that may sound intimidating, but actually all it takes is looking at what you love the most and seeing how this school can enable you to actualize more of it in your life.

So... of all the schools that could get you into the world of fashion, you choose this one. I hope it is because of the people you will be learning from and the fascinating classes that have more appeal than classes at other schools. :-)

Separate it into paragraphs. When it is all one paragraph, it is like when my mouse, ipod, and power cord get all tangled up around the cat.

;-)