Fashion Institute of Technology essay - advertising and marketing communications

Thank you to anyone who proofreads! My essay is too wordy, the limit is 750 words and mine is a few hundred over so please give ideas on what to cut out. Thanks!

Prompt:

What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT?

Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? The essay is also your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments.

For thousands of years, beauty has been a large factor in the societal hierarchy of humans, helping determine power, rank, and amount of respect received. People revered Cleopatra because of her beauty alone. Beauty is an instrumental key backbone and standpoint of society, and knowing how to create beauty gives you power in the industry and in life too. The path I am currently on is one to reach my full potential with the ability to create, and also define and redefine beauty. I truly believe that potential will be reached at FIT because of the incredible programs offered and endless opportunities available to expand upon my dreams. The major I have chosen is advertising and marketing communications, with the plan to enroll in the bachelors program of cosmetics and fragrance marketing once my Associates degree is complete. My ultimate goal out of getting my degree is to become a multifaceted makeup artist with my own business. With the ability of creation and design on one hand, and all of the industry information and business knowledge on the other, the world will be at my fingertips.

My passion for beauty and cosmetics has been a long time in the making. As a child, I would obsessively watch the runway shows on TV, Like NYFW or Victoria's Secret. At first I loved how the beautiful clothes would correlate with the seemingly otherworldly makeup but as time went on I became increasingly more fixed on the makeup looks and the way the cosmetics transformed the models. Since then my love for makeup and it's artistry has never died, but only burns brighter each day. I went from borrowing my mom's makeup and have to sneak it back and wash my face before she got home, to investing my money into building my pro kit to work as a professional. My mother always told me to chase my dreams and ignore the comments of " pick a real job" or " what a waste of intelligence" that I would always hear. A large part of my high confidence in pursuing a career in what I love is from her pushing me and giving me guidance to accomplish my goals. My mom was my biggest supporter, but she tragically passed away from stage 4 breast cancer in October of 2018. She fought her battle for three years and during the time I was her primary caregiver. From the moment she woke up until we went to sleep, I even often slept in the same room as her to continue to make sure she was alright and provide care. Doing everything that she needed to take care of her took up all of my time, but as reflected on my transcripts I kept my grades up and worked as hard as I could in school. Even with her passing I have kept the same work ethic; I use the pain as motivation. The loss affects me terribly but in the end it only pushes me harder to achieve the dream that we planned together. I always put my all into everything I do, so I will not stop or give up; not now and not ever. I invested 10+ years of my life in the Girl Scouts dedicated to helping others, and have completed 200+ hours of community service contributing to my town. during this time I was given the bronze and silver awards - I was unable to pursue the gold because of my mother's circumstances. Helping others is something I enjoy with all my heart, and if I can help others by making them feel beautiful with makeup, I will be one of the happiest girl in the world.

As for right now, I am focusing all of my energy into my future career as a makeup artist. After I receive my degree I plan on beginning my own business, selling my own line of cosmetics and fragrance is. One of my dreams is to be doing people's make up with my own products! I've already begun building a platform as a foundation for my future by running my own promotive social accounts, showcasing my art and skill with photo posts of looks done on myself and others. I also locally travel to do makeup for others for events to practice and gain skill. There can be no successful plan without the knowledge to back it though, that being why I have chosen FIT is my number one school. The unique programs offered only at FIT is when I'm sure I need to gain insight needed to advance further. My chosen major to complete during my first two years, advertising and marketing communications, is a choice I firmly believe is right to learn the ins and outs of a business so that I may delve deeper when I can apply for my bachelors degree in cosmetics and fragrance marketing. I look forward excitedly to learning underneath the industry professionals that conduct the classes! Being taught by someone who shares the same love to the subject of the course makes the experience even more valuable. Gaining insight or knowledge while also requiring higher intelligence and skills is priceless and it would be a dream to receive that.

Another reason I confidently feel I belong at FIT is the environment. The everyday life of living in the city is extremely exciting, much different in the suburbs I reside in now! It is a blank slate away from my small town where I've been judged and ridiculed by my peers since we were young, mainly about my appearance. I hope the opportunity to attend FIT and meet fresh faces with whom I look forward to building lifelong friendships, something I am not able to do where I live. The judgment free environment will be a breath of fresh air, and I will finally be free to express myself and make an impression of who I really am with nothing holding me back. In accordance with the bountiful social aspects of campus life, the school's location in NYC also provides unless paths and opportunities. The curriculum taught at FIT will open many new doors on its own, but combined with the atmosphere of the city that never sleeps, I'm positive I will run into much more incredible possibilities like valuable internships, jobs in my intended career field, and plentiful networking opportunities. There is nowhere better to be for me!

Taking all events together and having followed matter from the beginning, I strongly hope you will consider accepting me to FIT and give me the honor of calling myself a part of FIT alumni. I resolutely believe I can accomplish great things at your school and I am eager for the chance to prove it! I will be a great addition to the entering class of fall 2019, shall you accept me, and I will patiently and humbly await your response.

Very long essay, indeed. To cut some words, I suggest cutting the first paragraph. I believe the second paragraph delivers the essay about your personal life while explaining your passion for your desired major in a brisk manner. I suggest cutting the last paragraph, as well. No need to ask them for their approval. The second to last paragraph is fine as a conclusion.

Jordan, the essay is very strong but wavers a bit in the second paragraph, which creates an unnecessarily long essay. The story about you taking care of your mother, her struggle with breast cancer the time it took for you to care for her isn't really necessary. The reference to the girl scouts also doesn't move your essay further along. Instead, these two references create a diversion from the reason for your interest in your major, along with the experiences and activities or accomplishments that help to depict your strength as a potential candidate. If you remove the problematic references in the second paragraph, the essay will remain focused on the required prompt information and come across as tremendously strong, without wavering from the content presentation. I find all of the elements you presented in the essay to be important, except for the second paragraph reference I made earlier. You have a very good chance for acceptance consideration, just focus the essay in the right discussion points to hold the interest and properly inform the reviewer of your considerable abilities as a candidate.